rusty_armour: (canadarm)
rusty_armour ([personal profile] rusty_armour) wrote2013-04-21 04:36 pm
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Being a Little Less Quiet



A friend on Facebook (who's also on my LJ flist) said I'd been quiet lately and asked how I was doing. She may have simply been starting a conversation, but I assumed that she might be concerned as well. You see, I confided something to her that I've only shared with a handful of people -- mostly because the subject came up in other contexts. It's not that I don't trust all of my good friends. It's not a matter of trust at all. It's courage. I'm not good at discussing problems when I'm actually experiencing them. I'm the type who goes into a corner to lick her wounds. I guess I need to process everything before I can really confide in people. Hell, to be honest, I haven't even told my siblings about this. My dad had to find out from my mom --and I'm not sure if he even has the full story. And I don't mean to sound all scary and mysterious. I'm only sharing this in case it might help other people. Actually, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time.

I had a breakdown in August. Well, my therapist thinks it was probably a breakdown. At the time, I thought it was perimenopause. I've always had bad PMS (in terms of mood swings) and the symptoms seemed to match. I was crying all the time and feeling depressed and anxious. When I returned from my trip to Victoria, it got so bad that I literally lost the will to live. That was when I went to see my doctor. She prescribed Zoloft and tried to get me to see a therapist. As I was convinced it was perimenopause, I wanted to get tests done first. It honestly came as a shock when all the tests came back clear and I had to accept that it was me not my hormones. I'm not sure why it was such a surprise. Depression runs in the family. All the same, I cried for the entire day after that doctor's appointment and it took me some time to come to terms with the news.

In the new year, I finally made an appointment with the therapist that my doctor had recommended. She pinpointed the problem by the third appointment: I was feeling trapped in my job -- a job I never liked. She thinks the breakdown came because I very much don't identify myself by my job and my identity was being threatened because I was feeling more and more penned in. And that sounds so lame. My therapist explained it a lot better. Anywaaaaaay, once I knew what the problem was, and knew what steps I had to take (e.g. look for a new job and break my negative cycle of thinking), I felt so much better. In fact, after months and months, I actually started feeling like myself again. It makes such a difference when you know exactly what you're facing and can be proactive about it. And I'm doing a LOT better. Okay, I'm still on anti-depressants, but I've been seeing my therapist much less and haven't been having any issues with depression or anxiety at all lately.

Again, I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't even care whether or not you comment. I'm only sharing my experience in case it might help someone. I want to say that if you're feeling depressed and/or anxious, you need to talk to someone, even if it's just your doctor. I'm usually the Queen of Denial, but let me tell you right now that it won't go away on its own. You have to get help. And, even if it seems hopeless right now, it will get better.

Wow. I wasn't kidding about being less quiet, eh? *g* Well, on the lighter side of things, I've actually been getting work done on my original fiction project (e.g. what I'm supposed to be working on). Once I got Stalky & Co out of my system (and finished writing An Awful Biznai), I found I could focus on it again. And, yes, I know how many times I've said that before. However, now that I'm past the difficult part (e.g. the techy/sciencey stuff), it's been a lot easier. Okay, it's still a great big mess at the moment, but I've had ideas on how to fix certain parts. I've even had ideas about what I might do with it once it's done. That's "when" not "if" because I will finish it.

[identity profile] rusty-armour.livejournal.com 2013-04-24 08:34 pm (UTC)(link)
awwww I'm really sorry to hear about this :( I can totally empathise with your feelings. I'm so glad you sought help and are finding your way through the tunnel. You're always so supportive whenever anyone else is struggling. You always offered an email shoulder to me when things were bad, so I gladly offer you the same courtesy :)

Thank you very much for your kind words, [livejournal.com profile] boobamiaow. Your compassion and support mean a lot. :-)

I'm in the same scenario with my job (which I have moaned about on here before). Do you have any sort of plan formulated as to seeeking another job? I know your dream is to write and mine is photography/art so it's very difficult to struggle on year after year in a desk job that sucks all your creativity out!

Well, my writing is definitely something I can only do in my free time, though I might look into professional writing at some point. I would need to see what kind of programs/courses are available. At the moment, I just need to get out of this job and away from this company. *g* My first steps have been to re-familiarize myself with things like resumes (CVs) and cover letters. I've found this website (http://www.quintcareers.com/) extremely useful. I've also joined sites like linkedin (http://www.linkedin.com/) and Workopolis (http://www.workopolis.com/EN/Common/HomePage.aspx) and have posted my resume online. Such sites are good because you can join communities that have information and tips about your area of interest. You can also get job alerts sent to your inbox. To be honest, I haven't come across any useful job alerts yet. I've been searching online for Toronto publishers and making note of the ones accepting resumes. In fact, I have to try sending another resume and cover letter off tonight and do a bit more research. If I find I’m not getting anywhere on my own (and I know it can be a lengthy process) then I might go to a career counselor.

In your case, you might want to look into what photography courses/programs might be available as this would definitely give you an advantage if you're serious about pursuing such a career. I would also talk to people who are already in the field and see what they did. The great thing about social media is that there are so many communities for specific fields and interests. I bet you could easily find some on photography. In fact, on linkedin (http://www.linkedin.com/), I've seen posts in publishing forums in which people ask for career advice.

Sending you lots of love xxxxxx

And the same back to you, [livejournal.com profile] boobamiaow! Thanks again and good luck with your own pursuits! :-D

[identity profile] boobamiaow.livejournal.com 2013-04-30 10:03 pm (UTC)(link)
Sorry for the late reply|! I know that I'm still wrestling with being in a job I dislike (but love the people I work with (not managers though)) versus wanting a job that means something. I'm in a pharma company and it's a massive global multi billion dollar company and I get sick of reading about profits and market share and how we must get moremoremore. I really want to work for a non profit charity, but of course the wages for those Comapnies are very low :( therein lies the dilema. Also it would mean commuting as no charity jobs near me.

I'm not sure it's even possible to make a living doing something creative these days as the market is so saturated. There are 1000s of amazing photographers so I'm trying to think of other things (merging art/photography). My job makes me feel blah so I have no creative energy. It's a hamster wheel haha!

I'm glad you're finding some useful websites and feeling motivated to send out cvs etc.

xxxxx

[identity profile] rusty-armour.livejournal.com 2013-05-01 07:28 pm (UTC)(link)
Well, I think the most important thing is that you have an outlet for your creative energy. If photography is your passion then keep at it and don't worry about whether you can make it into a career or not. Of course, as it's something you love, it wouldn't hurt to see what avenues are available. For example, digital publishing has been growing steadily. There might be writers looking for photographers/artists for covers, etc. That's why I figure it doesn't hurt to see what other photographers are doing.

I wish you had better news on the non-profit charity front. Maybe you could find a company that supports charitable works, even if it isn't a non-profit organization. You might consider paying a visit to a career counsellor. It costs money but such a service might give you some very useful guidance and advice.