rusty_armour (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rusty_armour) wrote2013-04-21 04:36 pm
rusty_armour) wrote2013-04-21 04:36 pm
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Being a Little Less Quiet
A friend on Facebook (who's also on my LJ flist) said I'd been quiet lately and asked how I was doing. She may have simply been starting a conversation, but I assumed that she might be concerned as well. You see, I confided something to her that I've only shared with a handful of people -- mostly because the subject came up in other contexts. It's not that I don't trust all of my good friends. It's not a matter of trust at all. It's courage. I'm not good at discussing problems when I'm actually experiencing them. I'm the type who goes into a corner to lick her wounds. I guess I need to process everything before I can really confide in people. Hell, to be honest, I haven't even told my siblings about this. My dad had to find out from my mom --and I'm not sure if he even has the full story. And I don't mean to sound all scary and mysterious. I'm only sharing this in case it might help other people. Actually, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time.
I had a breakdown in August. Well, my therapist thinks it was probably a breakdown. At the time, I thought it was perimenopause. I've always had bad PMS (in terms of mood swings) and the symptoms seemed to match. I was crying all the time and feeling depressed and anxious. When I returned from my trip to Victoria, it got so bad that I literally lost the will to live. That was when I went to see my doctor. She prescribed Zoloft and tried to get me to see a therapist. As I was convinced it was perimenopause, I wanted to get tests done first. It honestly came as a shock when all the tests came back clear and I had to accept that it was me not my hormones. I'm not sure why it was such a surprise. Depression runs in the family. All the same, I cried for the entire day after that doctor's appointment and it took me some time to come to terms with the news.
In the new year, I finally made an appointment with the therapist that my doctor had recommended. She pinpointed the problem by the third appointment: I was feeling trapped in my job -- a job I never liked. She thinks the breakdown came because I very much don't identify myself by my job and my identity was being threatened because I was feeling more and more penned in. And that sounds so lame. My therapist explained it a lot better. Anywaaaaaay, once I knew what the problem was, and knew what steps I had to take (e.g. look for a new job and break my negative cycle of thinking), I felt so much better. In fact, after months and months, I actually started feeling like myself again. It makes such a difference when you know exactly what you're facing and can be proactive about it. And I'm doing a LOT better. Okay, I'm still on anti-depressants, but I've been seeing my therapist much less and haven't been having any issues with depression or anxiety at all lately.
Again, I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't even care whether or not you comment. I'm only sharing my experience in case it might help someone. I want to say that if you're feeling depressed and/or anxious, you need to talk to someone, even if it's just your doctor. I'm usually the Queen of Denial, but let me tell you right now that it won't go away on its own. You have to get help. And, even if it seems hopeless right now, it will get better.
Wow. I wasn't kidding about being less quiet, eh? *g* Well, on the lighter side of things, I've actually been getting work done on my original fiction project (e.g. what I'm supposed to be working on). Once I got Stalky & Co out of my system (and finished writing An Awful Biznai), I found I could focus on it again. And, yes, I know how many times I've said that before. However, now that I'm past the difficult part (e.g. the techy/sciencey stuff), it's been a lot easier. Okay, it's still a great big mess at the moment, but I've had ideas on how to fix certain parts. I've even had ideas about what I might do with it once it's done. That's "when" not "if" because I will finish it.
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First:*BIG SQUISHY HUGS.* I'm so glad that you're feeling so much better. I hope you can soon find a job that will make you happier.
I had picked up that something was wrong because I occasionally look at my lj friends' friends pages. I think you have great self-control rather than denial! I understand about depression because I inherited it from my mother. I've suffered four major bouts, the last two taking me to the point of not wanting to live, and I've stayed on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medicines since the last major one. In 2007 finding friends on lj actually helped me enormously! And writing, with which you really encouraged me. With the last two bouts I saw a therapist for some time and a psychiatrist to get the right medicine. So, yes, one has to get professional help and I'm glad you did.
I'm pleased you're making progress with your original fiction. I know you'll get it done and I hope you'll share it with us.
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Oh, please don't apologize,
First:*BIG SQUISHY HUGS.* I'm so glad that you're feeling so much better. I hope you can soon find a job that will make you happier.
Oh, thank you! *BIG SQUISHY HUGS* to you too! :-D I'm definitely feeling better and trying to stay positive about the job search.
I had picked up that something was wrong because I occasionally look at my lj friends' friends pages.
I'm not surprised that you picked up on that, even without the aid of friends' friends pages. You're very perceptive and empathetic. :-) And I know I wasn't posting much of anything while this was going on, though I did try to comment on what other people posted. Actually, reading other people's posts provided some comfort and a welcome distraction.
I think you have great self-control rather than denial!
I don't know if that's true, but it's very kind of you to say it. :-)
I understand about depression because I inherited it from my mother. I've suffered four major bouts, the last two taking me to the point of not wanting to live, and I've stayed on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medicines since the last major one.
I'm so very sorry to hear that. It was bad enough suffering through one bout, so I can only imagine what four were like, especially if the last two left you feeling suicidal. That was what really scared me. I'd never felt that low before. In any case, I'm glad to hear that you got through those bouts of depression. I hope the anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications continue to help.
In 2007 finding friends on lj actually helped me enormously!
Oh, that's wonderful! It's good to know that finding new friends on LJ helped you get through such a tough time!
And writing, with which you really encouraged me.
And I'm very happy to hear that your writing also helped! I found (and continue to find) writing very therapeutic. It helped take me away from my cycle of negative thoughts and was a very effective distraction. It also helped give me a feeling of power and control when I felt really helpless about everything else.
BTW, I hope you'll get back into writing again some day because you're really talented! And, no, I'm not saying that to be polite. I really admired your ability for writing description (one of my weaknesses) in such beautiful language. You're also great at plotting: something that doesn't come easily to a lot of writers.
With the last two bouts I saw a therapist for some time and a psychiatrist to get the right medicine. So, yes, one has to get professional help and I'm glad you did.
I'm so glad you got professional help as well! It's amazing what a difference a therapist and/or psychiatrist can make. I now have great sympathy for anyone dealing with mental health issues, which is why I thought I should share my own experiences.
I'm pleased you're making progress with your original fiction. I know you'll get it done and I hope you'll share it with us.
Thank you very much! You've always been so encouraging and supportive of my writing! I'm more grateful than I can say! :-D I'm hoping to get my original fiction published, even if it's self-published. Actually, as it's a bit out there, I think it probably will be self-published. However, I'm still weighing my options. Of course, it would help if I actually finished writing the damn thing. *g* Anywaaaaaaaay, I'll certainly send you a copy of it once it's done.
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BTW, I hope you'll get back into writing again some day because you're really talented! And, no, I'm not saying that to be polite. I really admired your ability for writing description (one of my weaknesses) in such beautiful language. You're also great at plotting: something that doesn't come easily to a lot of writers.
Thank you. This means a lot to me, though I seem to have lost my inspiration.
I realised that I unthinkingly asked you to share your original work as if it was fanfic! Apologies! It's a pity we no longer have those wonderful magazines with short stories and novels in series that Conan Doyle, P. G. Wodehouse and others had their work published in, such as the Saturday Evening Post. A friend on mine self-published a couple of long stories through Amazon, but I really think you should send your work to proper publishers. I look forward to buying a copy!
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It's very much appreciated,
BTW, I hope you'll get back into writing again some day because you're really talented! And, no, I'm not saying that to be polite. I really admired your ability for writing description (one of my weaknesses) in such beautiful language. You're also great at plotting: something that doesn't come easily to a lot of writers.
Thank you. This means a lot to me, though I seem to have lost my inspiration.
I hope you get it back. I know I've gone through periods where I couldn't write, so this may just be temporary. Don't lose hope yet, okay? I'm sure your muse will return. :-)
I realised that I unthinkingly asked you to share your original work as if it was fanfic! Apologies!
No, no, it's absolutely okay. No apologies necessary. I was actually hoping to send it to some friends to get some feedback (once it's finally done), so I would be honoured if you'd considered being one of my guinea pigs. :-)