Being a Little Less Quiet

[rusty_armour]

A friend on Facebook (who's also on my LJ flist) said I'd been quiet lately and asked how I was doing. She may have simply been starting a conversation, but I assumed that she might be concerned as well. You see, I confided something to her that I've only shared with a handful of people -- mostly because the subject came up in other contexts. It's not that I don't trust all of my good friends. It's not a matter of trust at all. It's courage. I'm not good at discussing problems when I'm actually experiencing them. I'm the type who goes into a corner to lick her wounds. I guess I need to process everything before I can really confide in people. Hell, to be honest, I haven't even told my siblings about this. My dad had to find out from my mom --and I'm not sure if he even has the full story. And I don't mean to sound all scary and mysterious. I'm only sharing this in case it might help other people. Actually, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time.

I had a breakdown in August. Well, my therapist thinks it was probably a breakdown. At the time, I thought it was perimenopause. I've always had bad PMS (in terms of mood swings) and the symptoms seemed to match. I was crying all the time and feeling depressed and anxious. When I returned from my trip to Victoria, it got so bad that I literally lost the will to live. That was when I went to see my doctor. She prescribed Zoloft and tried to get me to see a therapist. As I was convinced it was perimenopause, I wanted to get tests done first. It honestly came as a shock when all the tests came back clear and I had to accept that it was me not my hormones. I'm not sure why it was such a surprise. Depression runs in the family. All the same, I cried for the entire day after that doctor's appointment and it took me some time to come to terms with the news.

In the new year, I finally made an appointment with the therapist that my doctor had recommended. She pinpointed the problem by the third appointment: I was feeling trapped in my job -- a job I never liked. She thinks the breakdown came because I very much don't identify myself by my job and my identity was being threatened because I was feeling more and more penned in. And that sounds so lame. My therapist explained it a lot better. Anywaaaaaay, once I knew what the problem was, and knew what steps I had to take (e.g. look for a new job and break my negative cycle of thinking), I felt so much better. In fact, after months and months, I actually started feeling like myself again. It makes such a difference when you know exactly what you're facing and can be proactive about it. And I'm doing a LOT better. Okay, I'm still on anti-depressants, but I've been seeing my therapist much less and haven't been having any issues with depression or anxiety at all lately.

Again, I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't even care whether or not you comment. I'm only sharing my experience in case it might help someone. I want to say that if you're feeling depressed and/or anxious, you need to talk to someone, even if it's just your doctor. I'm usually the Queen of Denial, but let me tell you right now that it won't go away on its own. You have to get help. And, even if it seems hopeless right now, it will get better.

Wow. I wasn't kidding about being less quiet, eh? *g* Well, on the lighter side of things, I've actually been getting work done on my original fiction project (e.g. what I'm supposed to be working on). Once I got Stalky & Co out of my system (and finished writing An Awful Biznai), I found I could focus on it again. And, yes, I know how many times I've said that before. However, now that I'm past the difficult part (e.g. the techy/sciencey stuff), it's been a lot easier. Okay, it's still a great big mess at the moment, but I've had ideas on how to fix certain parts. I've even had ideas about what I might do with it once it's done. That's "when" not "if" because I will finish it.

Comments

[grondfic.livejournal.com]

((((((hugs))))))

[grassle.livejournal.com]

Just to send you a great big hug and say thinking of you. Glad you're feeling better. I'm always here if you fancy a chat any time.

grassle

[crew4.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for sharing rusty_armour I'm a self confessed Denial Queen as well :-/ I often say to myself 'Just think of something else' with the idea of burying it and 'getting over it'. So many things are currently buried but every now and then they pop their ugly heads through the dirt and wiggle their eyebrows at me, laughing as they taunt me with their pain. I know I need to deal, but I find it hard to do. *hugs* thanks for the advice :-)

[alysscarlet.livejournal.com]

Well done for sharing, my dear Claire. I know how difficult it can be to talk about these things. I'm so glad to hear that you feel you are doing a lot better and I hope you will continue on that upward path. And well done for going to see your doctor in the first place. As you may remember, I suffered a similar sort of breakdown about 15 years ago, also brought on by my work, and my attitude to it. I too found that medication and therapy helped a great deal to get me through it. I stopped the medication years ago, but I still see my therapist regularly and I think it still helps me keep balanced.

So if there is any help or advice I can give, please don't hesitate to ask. But it sounds like you have some good support mechanisms. You WILL get better and will find that you will be stronger and better able to cope in the future. What doesn't kill you does indeed make you wiser and stronger. :-P

The only advice I would give you is that if/when you decide to come off the anti-depressants, take it VERY slowly. It is worth taking three months or more to reduce the dose gradually. If you do it too fast you can get some unpleasant side effects.

Looking forward to seeing you around here a lot more!

((((hugs))))

[njc2007.livejournal.com]

((((HUGS)))) Yes, all caps for really big hugs.

I am not surprised by your post perhaps because I've been there too.

I have nothing concrete to substantiate my view but I feel we pay a psychological price for our creativity. That said, you are very creative and this may be the price you pay.

Finding the root cause is wonderful news. (I'm still seeking mine.) It gives you something to work on. It is true that being able to face a problem and "do" something about it is very empowering.

I sought help in the late 1990s and have been at this for a while. I started with Zoloft and have been on Prozac, Wellbutrin, and finally Cipralex. My psychiatrist is currently increasing my dose of Cipralex. I found Zoloft did two things: it made me very sleepy and it stifled my creativity. Prozac gave me tremors and Wellbutrin did nothing (apparently it is supposed to work with another antidepressant but the family doctor tried it alone). I am telling you this because I want you to know that you may need to try a few different medications until you find the right one for you. Zoloft saved my life and I was incredibly grateful for it until I could not get back to my creative pursuits.

You have been very generous in offering support to me. This goes both ways. You are not alone and you have a lot of people who care about you.

As an aside, thank you for the heartfelt card. It was the nicest I have received because you wrote it yourself.

Lots of love....

[boobamiaow.livejournal.com]

awwww I'm really sorry to hear about this :( I can totally empathise with your feelings. I'm so glad you sought help and are finding your way through the tunnel. You're always so supportive whenever anyone else is struggling. You always offered an email shoulder to me when things were bad, so I gladly offer you the same courtesy :)

I'm in the same scenario with my job (which I have moaned about on here before). Do you have any sort of plan formulated as to seeeking another job? I know your dream is to write and mine is photography/art so it's very difficult to struggle on year after year in a desk job that sucks all your creativity out!

Sending you lots of love xxxxxx

[pyrateanny.livejournal.com]

Hi, Rusty!

My apologies for being so late to see this post. [I'm hardly ever on LJ.] I'm sorry to hear that you've been having such a rough time. But it sounds as if you're well on the way to sorting it all out. I'm so pleased to hear that you've been inspired to start working on your original fiction again! In the meantime, if you ever feel you need some, ahem, "musical therapy" *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*, a sympathetic virtual ear via e-mail, or a night drowning your sorrows in a local pub, I'm at your disposal!

Be well, dear friend!

[karen9.livejournal.com]

I'm a bit behind with lj so my apologies for not commenting sooner.

First:*BIG SQUISHY HUGS.* I'm so glad that you're feeling so much better. I hope you can soon find a job that will make you happier.

I had picked up that something was wrong because I occasionally look at my lj friends' friends pages. I think you have great self-control rather than denial! I understand about depression because I inherited it from my mother. I've suffered four major bouts, the last two taking me to the point of not wanting to live, and I've stayed on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medicines since the last major one. In 2007 finding friends on lj actually helped me enormously! And writing, with which you really encouraged me. With the last two bouts I saw a therapist for some time and a psychiatrist to get the right medicine. So, yes, one has to get professional help and I'm glad you did.

I'm pleased you're making progress with your original fiction. I know you'll get it done and I hope you'll share it with us.

[funkyinfishnet.livejournal.com]

All the love from me and Anthony *hugs*, both of us have quite dark depressive mood swings - Winston Churchill called his depression 'the black dog' and that's what it feels like, haunting your steps and refusing to leave you alone. Anthony had a dark night of the soul the other night, breaking down and crying for a while because he's so scared about his Dad's Parkinsons and because he has times when he feels like he's literally utterly useless and can do nothing right. I have times when all I can do is cry. But you're right, talking to someone is super important and I'm glad you found an outlet. I'm always here if you need anything, you're uber important and special to me *squishy hugs* <3

[fengirl88.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm very sorry to hear you've had such a rough time, but I am so glad that you were able to talk to your doctor and get help, and that you are starting to feel more like yourself again. it is so important to be able to seek help when you need it - and to get it, of course.

[sorne.livejournal.com]

HUGS! Man! I can SOOO relate to that hiding in the corner, and I'm really glad to hear that things are going better. And let's be honest, I'm full of admiration for your courage in tackling this issue, and especially for sharing it with us. I'm also full of guilt as you've been dealing so well with all the AF admin while I've been hiding in my own corner for much less good reason.....(I suppose I should do a post really). Thank you Rusty :)

[tazzles.livejournal.com]

*HUG*
It's awfully brave of you to share this. I'm glad that you were able to start working your way through this. Good luck.
And good luck with your original fiction project.