Being a Little Less Quiet

[rusty_armour]

A friend on Facebook (who's also on my LJ flist) said I'd been quiet lately and asked how I was doing. She may have simply been starting a conversation, but I assumed that she might be concerned as well. You see, I confided something to her that I've only shared with a handful of people -- mostly because the subject came up in other contexts. It's not that I don't trust all of my good friends. It's not a matter of trust at all. It's courage. I'm not good at discussing problems when I'm actually experiencing them. I'm the type who goes into a corner to lick her wounds. I guess I need to process everything before I can really confide in people. Hell, to be honest, I haven't even told my siblings about this. My dad had to find out from my mom --and I'm not sure if he even has the full story. And I don't mean to sound all scary and mysterious. I'm only sharing this in case it might help other people. Actually, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time.

I had a breakdown in August. Well, my therapist thinks it was probably a breakdown. At the time, I thought it was perimenopause. I've always had bad PMS (in terms of mood swings) and the symptoms seemed to match. I was crying all the time and feeling depressed and anxious. When I returned from my trip to Victoria, it got so bad that I literally lost the will to live. That was when I went to see my doctor. She prescribed Zoloft and tried to get me to see a therapist. As I was convinced it was perimenopause, I wanted to get tests done first. It honestly came as a shock when all the tests came back clear and I had to accept that it was me not my hormones. I'm not sure why it was such a surprise. Depression runs in the family. All the same, I cried for the entire day after that doctor's appointment and it took me some time to come to terms with the news.

In the new year, I finally made an appointment with the therapist that my doctor had recommended. She pinpointed the problem by the third appointment: I was feeling trapped in my job -- a job I never liked. She thinks the breakdown came because I very much don't identify myself by my job and my identity was being threatened because I was feeling more and more penned in. And that sounds so lame. My therapist explained it a lot better. Anywaaaaaay, once I knew what the problem was, and knew what steps I had to take (e.g. look for a new job and break my negative cycle of thinking), I felt so much better. In fact, after months and months, I actually started feeling like myself again. It makes such a difference when you know exactly what you're facing and can be proactive about it. And I'm doing a LOT better. Okay, I'm still on anti-depressants, but I've been seeing my therapist much less and haven't been having any issues with depression or anxiety at all lately.

Again, I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't even care whether or not you comment. I'm only sharing my experience in case it might help someone. I want to say that if you're feeling depressed and/or anxious, you need to talk to someone, even if it's just your doctor. I'm usually the Queen of Denial, but let me tell you right now that it won't go away on its own. You have to get help. And, even if it seems hopeless right now, it will get better.

Wow. I wasn't kidding about being less quiet, eh? *g* Well, on the lighter side of things, I've actually been getting work done on my original fiction project (e.g. what I'm supposed to be working on). Once I got Stalky & Co out of my system (and finished writing An Awful Biznai), I found I could focus on it again. And, yes, I know how many times I've said that before. However, now that I'm past the difficult part (e.g. the techy/sciencey stuff), it's been a lot easier. Okay, it's still a great big mess at the moment, but I've had ideas on how to fix certain parts. I've even had ideas about what I might do with it once it's done. That's "when" not "if" because I will finish it.

Comments

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Well done for sharing, my dear Claire. I know how difficult it can be to talk about these things.

Well, thank you very much for reading, alysscarlet! :-) It's incredibly difficult to talk about these things. I can't seem to do it (person to person, at least) without crying, which is why I haven't been able to tell my dad and my siblings. My poor mom knows because she was there around the time of the breakdown.

I'm so glad to hear that you feel you are doing a lot better and I hope you will continue on that upward path.

Ah, thanks again! That's very kind of you! :-)

And well done for going to see your doctor in the first place. As you may remember, I suffered a similar sort of breakdown about 15 years ago, also brought on by my work, and my attitude to it. I too found that medication and therapy helped a great deal to get me through it. I stopped the medication years ago, but I still see my therapist regularly and I think it still helps me keep balanced.

It seems that work is the root cause for a lot of mental health issues. It's comforting to know that you were able to work through your own problems and found both medication and therapy useful. I'm glad you continue to see your therapist if it helps you stay balanced. I'm amazed by how much therapy has helped me.

So if there is any help or advice I can give, please don't hesitate to ask. But it sounds like you have some good support mechanisms.

I appreciate that very much. I do have good support mechanisms, but it's great to know that there's someone I can turn to if I need some extra advice. :-D

You WILL get better and will find that you will be stronger and better able to cope in the future. What doesn't kill you does indeed make you wiser and stronger. :-P

It's wonderful to hear that from someone who has faced the same struggles. And I keep trying to remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. :-)

The only advice I would give you is that if/when you decide to come off the anti-depressants, take it VERY slowly. It is worth taking three months or more to reduce the dose gradually. If you do it too fast you can get some unpleasant side effects.

I have a doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks and was going to discuss that very subject with her. I've heard that excellent advice from a couple of other people, so I'll definitely be careful.

Looking forward to seeing you around here a lot more!

((((hugs))))


((((hugs in return)))) Thanks for being so generous and open about your own mental health struggles! I'll do my best to be around her a lot more! :-D