Fic: Mr. Bean Goes to the Doctor

[rusty_armour]

Title: Mr. Bean Goes to the Doctor
Author: Rusty Armour
Summary: The title pretty much says it all.
Category: Action Figure fic. What else? It’s mostly gen with some not-so-subtle slash overtones. Crossover of Mr. Bean, Doctor Who, Primeval, Enterprise, Stargate Atlantis, Harry Potter, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Rating: PG-13ish
Word Count: 2,149
Spoilers: Not really. Well...there are slight spoilers for “The Return of Mr. Bean,” “The Day of the Doctor,” “The Reign of Terror” (Doctor Who), “The Expanse,” “Harbinger” (Enterprise), “The Hive” (Stargate Atlantis), and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
Disclaimer: These characters aren’t mine. They’re owned by smarter, richer people. It’s totally not worth it to sue me.
Notes: My annual fic offering for jackycomelately’s birthday! Apologies in advance! *g*

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“What is it?” McKay asked, staring at the sight before them.

Sheppard scratched his head. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s a statue.”

“I thought I saw it move.”

“Well, maybe it’s one of those living statues,” Sheppard said. “You must have seen those street performers that dress up like Elvis and spray-paint themselves silver.”

McKay lowered his voice to a whisper. “That thing doesn’t look anything like Elvis and he isn’t spray-painted any colour.”

“Okay, it’s a new kind of living statue...or a really creepy mime.” Sheppard’s eyes widened. “Oh God! You don’t think it’s a clown, do you? I hate clowns.”





“Hullo!” said a surprisingly deep voice that could have only come from the living statue/creepy mime/clown in front of them. Then the mysterious being raised his hand and waved. McKay gave a high-pitched scream and took off. Sheppard wasn’t far behind him. Mr. Bean watched them for a minute, his rubbery face scrunching up in confusion. Then he shrugged and continued his trek through rusty_armour’s apartment.





It wasn’t long before Mr. Bean saw Captain Jonathan Archer and Ensign Travis Mayweather having an animated conversation in the kitchen. Mr. Bean concealed himself behind a pillar and listened.





“So what you’re saying is that we’re now living in a completely different apartment,” Archer said.

Mayweather nodded emphatically. “YES!”

“And it isn’t just some holographic projection?”

“No, sir. It’s a completely different apartment. Sub-Commander T’Pol explained everything. Remember?”

“Are you sure this isn’t another conspiracy theory that Malcolm cooked up?”

Mayweather sighed. “No, it’s real, Captain. We moved over a year ago. That’s why we’re in a different apartment.”





Archer narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “I don’t know. It sounds a lot like a conspiracy theory to me.”

Mayweather snorted. “Only if you’re completely paranoid.”

“Well, that’s a pretty accurate description for Malcolm, isn’t it?”

“Sir, it wasn’t Malcolm who decided to move.”

“Just because it wasn’t Malcolm’s decision doesn’t mean that everything around us isn’t one of his paranoid delusions.”

Mayweather stared at Archer for several seconds. “Sir, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Exactly!”





Mayweather swore under his breath using the foulest boomer language he could think of. Then he dredged up a smile and a huge measure of patience. “Captain, I promise it’s true. It isn’t a conspiracy theory or even an alien abduction. We really have moved to another apartment. Look, do you remember when were thrown into a bag with the other action figures and then that bag was stuffed inside a box?”

“Yeah,” Archer said. “It happens all the time.”

Mayweather grimaced. “Well, yeah, I guess it does, but do you remember when the box then moved?”

“Into the closet? Yes.”

Mayweather closed his eyes. “No, it went much farther than that and we were jostled around quite a bit.

“Oh, of course. That was the day that rusty_armour couldn’t decide where to put us in the closet, so she had to carry the box around the apartment several times.”

“Sir, that was the day we moved,” Mayweather said. “That’s why it felt like the box was being moved around so much.”

“Are you sure?” Archer asked. “The journey didn’t seem to take that long. It took us a lot longer to reach the Expanse.”





Mr. Bean snuck away. These men obviously couldn’t be relied on if they didn’t know where they were. No, Mr. Bean would have to inquire elsewhere. Mr. Bean had just crept past the bed and was about to walk past the filing cabinet when he heard two voices call out to him from above.





“Hi!” Rose said. “I’ve never seen you before. Are you new around here?”

Mr. Bean squirmed and looked away shyly.





Jenny shouted down to Mr. Bean next. “I’m Jenny and this is Rose. We’re both from London. Where are you from?”

Mr. Bean gulped and, still avoiding eye contact, said, “Oh, I’m from London too, but I think I got a bit lost. The man who put me in rusty_armour’s care said he found me in Port Stanley.” Mr. Bean made a face. “I think it must be in a completely different shire because I’ve never heard of it before.”

Jenny quickly covered her mouth when she felt the urge to giggle. “I hate to break it to you, but you’re in Canada now. I would guess that this Port Stanley is in Ontario if the man who found you knows rusty_armour.”





Rose frowned. “I wouldn’t have thought that rusty_armour knew a lot of men – not with her life...or lack of one.”

“Well, he wasn’t really a man, I suppose,” Mr. Bean said. “He was rusty_armour’s brother.”

Rose grinned. “What’s your name?”

Mr. Bean looked up and couldn’t help blushing at the two attractive women. “Bean.”

“Sorry?” Rose asked.

“Bean. It’s my name.”

“Oh, I see! Why don’t you come up here and sit with us? Giant Hand could give you a lift.”

“That’s awfully kind, but I really must be going,” Mr. Bean said. “I need to find the Doctor.”

Rose raised an eyebrow. “The Doctor not a doctor?”

Mr. Bean drew himself up to his full height. “The Doctor – the one with the blue police box.”





Jenny exchanged a look with Rose and said, “I thought I overheard the Master telling Lester that he’d sabotaged the TARDIS again.”

Rose bit her lip. “I’m sorry, Bean, but I think you’ll have to ask the Master just where and when the Doctor might be. Last time I saw the Master, he was sitting on a deck chair in the bathroom.”

“Oh, thank you,” Mr. Bean said. “That’s most kind.”

Rose stared down at her feet guiltily. “You might not thank me when you meet the Master.”

Jenny placed a hand on Rose’s arm. “I think Lester’s with him. He might be able to convince the Master not to be too horrid.” Jenny raised her voice and called down to Mr. Bean. “Come back for another chat when you’re done.”

“If you survive,” Rose muttered.

Jenny elbowed Rose and then waved cheerfully to Mr. Bean who was already heading eagerly towards the bathroom. Jenny’s hand fell and her shoulders slumped. “Oh, that poor man.”








As soon as Mr. Bean entered the bathroom, he spotted the Master and Lester lounging in deck chairs on the bath mat. He reached into the pocket of his tweed jacket and patted his teddy bear reassuringly on the head. “Almost there, Teddy.” He marched determinedly up to the deck chairs. After listening to several seconds of throat-clearing, Lester reluctantly opened his eyes.

“Yes?” Lester asked. “Can I help you?” His tone wasn’t exactly convivial, but Mr. Bean didn’t notice. He almost never did.





“I’m looking for the Doctor,” Mr. Bean said. “That’s the Doctor, not a doctor.”

Lester groaned and reached out to shake the Master’s shoulder. “Someone wants to know if your bestest friend and enemy can come out to play.” He glanced back at Mr. Bean. “I’m sorry. What’s your name?”

“Bean.”

“That’s a vegetable, not a name,” the Master muttered. He still hadn’t opened his eyes.

Mr. Bean spluttered indignantly. “Well, it’s my name.”

“Bean...” Lester said to himself. “Why does that name seem familiar?” He looked at Mr. Bean again. “Have we met before?”

Mr. Bean tapped his foot impatiently. “I was told that someone named the Master might know where to find the Doctor. Would that name belong to either of you?”





The Master finally opened his eyes and sat up a bit in his chair. He recoiled slightly when he saw Mr. Bean, but then quickly recovered. “You’re not exactly my type, luv, but I suppose I could be your master if you’re a very good boy. We should at least find something useful to do with that red tie of yours.”





Lester glared at the Master. “I don’t think that’s entirely appropriate, do you?”

The Master grinned at Lester. “I love it when you’re jealous, snookums. Your eyes grow even greener.”

“I’d be happy to blacken one of your eyes if you ever call me ‘snookums’ again,” Lester growled.





The Master’s grin grew even wider and he pounced on Lester. Mr. Bean coughed loudly, but it was almost a minute before Lester was able to break free of the Master and push him away. Then Lester’s eyes widened when he caught sight of their visitor again. He leapt out of his chair, pointing a finger straight at Mr. Bean.

“You should be arrested!” Lester cried. “You’re a-a public menace!”

The Master stared at Lester in surprise. “What? You mean this guy? Dobby the house-elf?”

Lester’s eyes narrowed and he was actually shaking. “Dobby the house-elf, as you call him, was involved in an unfortunate altercation with the Queen at a royal premiere. He’s been a security risk since 1990. He – ” The rest of Lester’s rant was cut short as the familiar grinding, wheezing noise of the TARDIS filtered into the bathroom. Then the TARDIS was materializing on the bath mat beside them. The TARDIS door opened an instant later and the Doctor stepped out.





“I’ve been on one watch list or another since 1562,” the Doctor said. “If you’re going to panic about your nation’s security, you should really be more concerned about me.”

Lester’s hands curled into fists. “I wasn’t panicking. I never panic.”

The Master placed a comforting hand on Lester’s shoulder and studied the Doctor curiously. “How could you have possibly heard our conversation if your TARDIS hadn’t even materialized yet?”





“Oh, I didn’t need to hear it,” the Doctor said. “I read the script, of course.”

The Master frowned. “There’s a script?”

The Doctor beamed at Mr. Bean and hurried towards him, extending his hand. “Hello! It’s lovely to see you again!”

Instead of shaking the Doctor’s hand, Mr. Bean reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out Teddy. “I think he has a detached retina.”

The Doctor gently took the teddy bear from Mr. Bean, nodding soberly at the button hanging by only a few threads. “That’s more than just a detached retina you’ve got there. I’d say it was a detached eye. If you want to learn more about detached retinas, you should speak to Malcolm Reed, but I know just what to do when dealing with a detached eye.”

“Then you can help Teddy?” Mr. Bean asked.

The Doctor smiled reassuringly at Mr. Bean. “I’ll be back in a jiffy.” The Doctor carried Teddy with exaggerated care as he walked back to the TARDIS. Mr. Bean shifted anxiously from one foot to another while he waited for the Doctor to return. The Master and Lester simply stared at the TARDIS. It was more than ten agonizing minutes before the door of the TARDIS opened and the Doctor re-emerged.

“Sorry about that,” the Doctor said. “I couldn’t remember where I kept my needle and thread. I should have known that they’d be sitting right there on the TARDIS console all along.”





Mr. Bean grabbed the teddy bear from the Doctor. “Teddy, you can see from both eyes now!” He clutched Teddy to his chest for a moment before returning him to his pocket in an almost reverential manner. Mr. Bean started running out of the bathroom, and Lester muttered angrily about the rudeness of anarchists. Mr. Bean was just about to cross the threshold when he turned and smiled at the gathering on the bath mat. “Thank you, Doctor!”





The Doctor raised a hand and waved. “That’s quite all right, Mr. Bean. You and Teddy take care now.” He shot a glance at the Master and Lester once Mr. Bean was gone. The Master still looked stunned, while Lester seemed his usual grumpy self. “Well, I think I’ll be getting back to eighteenth century Paris now. They were about to storm the Bastille when I had to hop back in the TARDIS and come here.” The Doctor slapped the Master on the back. “I suppose I have you to thank for my trip to Revolutionary France. It was terribly sweet of you to set the TARDIS coordinates for one of my favourite periods of history. Thanks, snookums.”








“That’s it?” Spike said. “That’s the birthday fic that poor jackycomelately has been saddled with this year?”





Snape shrugged. “What else would you expect from rusty_armour?”

“I don’t know. Some attempt at plot?”

“It has a protagonist, a journey, a crisis, and a resolution,” Snape said. “It even has slash.”





Spike rolled his eyes. “It always has slash. You’re just happy because rusty_armour threw in a Harry Potter reference.”

Snape stared at Spike in disbelief. “The best she could do was mention Dobby. Dobby. I would have been far happier if I hadn’t been dragged into this ridiculous farce in the first place.”

Spike nodded and threw an arm around a startled Snape’s shoulders. “That makes two of us. Still...would it have killed her to throw in a Buffy reference as well?”