Fic: The Doctor Must Die!

[rusty_armour]

Title: The Doctor Must Die!
Author: Rusty Armour
Summary: Could rusty_armour’s apartment possibly be big enough for two Masters and two Doctors when it’s barely big enough for her...?
Category: Action Figure fic, naturally. It’s mostly gen with some very slight slash overtones. Crossover of Doctor Who, Stargate Atlantis, Enterprise, Star Trek, and Sherlock Holmes.
Rating: Gen – PG-13ish
Word Count: 2,168
Spoilers: Not really. Well...there are references to “The Three Doctors,” “The Two Doctors,” “The Christmas Invasion,” “Time Crash,” and “The Day of the Doctor.” There are also spoilers for the show in general and some definite spoilers for “The Five Doctors”.
Disclaimer: These characters aren’t mine. They’re owned by smarter, richer people. It’s totally not worth it to sue me.
Notes: Here we go again. The latest fic offering for jackycomelately’s birthday! A blanket apology for everything!

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rusty_armour sat on the couch staring off into space. This was hardly unusual for rusty_armour, but, on this occasion, she was staring off into space because she was trying to come up with a birthday fic for jackycomelately.





“He has to go,” a voice at her right elbow said.

rusty_armour turned her head to find the Tenth Doctor standing on the wooden arm of her futon. “Who has to go? I’m pretty sure I’ve covered disappearances in at least a couple of action figure stories already. Do you have anything else?”

The Tenth Doctor gazed at rusty_armour confusedly for a few seconds and then shook his head. “I’m not here as your muse, but as an angry tenant. I wish to register a complaint.”

rusty_armour sighed. “What else is new? That’s all you action figures ever do. What is it now?”

“There are two Doctors in this apartment.”

“Yeah? So?”

“Yeah? So?” The Tenth Doctor rolled his eyes. “There should never be two Doctors around at the same time in the same time. He has to go.”

“Why?” rusty_armour asked. “There are two Masters.”

“Only here in your dingy little flat,” the Tenth Doctor said.

“And now there are two Doctors in my dingy little flat as well. Oh, don’t look at me like that. There’s precedence for more than one Doctor being around at the same time. It happened in ‘The Three Doctors,’ ‘The Five Doctors,’ ‘The Two Doctors,’ and ‘The Day of the Doctor’. Hell, in ‘The Five Doctors,’ there were four of you with multiple companions.”





“Oh, ‘The Five Doctors’. That’s one of mine, isn’t it?” The Fifth Doctor had appeared on the coffee table, resplendent in his cricketing attire. rusty_armour beamed at him and then giggled girlishly.

The Tenth Doctor scowled. “He’s only a paper cut-out.”

rusty_armour glared at him. “And you’re made out of plastic, like, like an Auton!”

The Tenth Doctor gasped in horror.

“I say, that’s rather harsh, isn’t it?” the Fifth Doctor said.





The Tenth Doctor turned to the Fifth Doctor angrily. “You stay out of it, you celery-sniffing, cricket-loving paper doll!”

The Fifth Doctor gazed at the Tenth Doctor sternly. “That’s really most unsporting of you, especially given your unfortunate resemblance to an Auton. I suppose it was only a matter of time before the green-eyed monster reared its ugly head.”

The Tenth Doctor whipped his head around, looking panicked. “Green-eyed monster? Where?”

“I think the Doctor is referring to jealousy,” rusty_armour whispered.

“Oi!” The Tenth Doctor cried. “He’s a Doctor, not the Doctor!”





“I was the Doctor long before you were, sonny,” the Fifth Doctor said. “Besides, in this particular flat, I am the Doctor because I’m rusty_armour’s Doctor.”

rusty_armour winced. “Oh, shit.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” the Tenth Doctor cried.

The Fifth Doctor smiled beatifically. “It means that I’m her first Doctor and her favourite Doctor!”

The Tenth Doctor looked at rusty_armour in outrage. “Him? He’s your favourite Doctor?”

rusty_armour bit her lip. “Umm...”





“That is correct. He is the human’s favourite Doctor.”





“He most certainly is.”





“Yep.”





“...”





“There’s two of them?”





“I’m sorry, Doctor, but it’s true.”

“Well, then. I can see I’m not wanted here. I’ll go somewhere where I might feel welcome, shall I? Somewhere like Skaro perhaps!”

“Oh, come now, old chap,” the Fifth Doctor said. “Don’t be like that.”

But the Tenth Doctor had already stormed off as best he could across rusty_armour’s legs and the futon.








“Psst! Over here!”

The Tenth Doctor was so preoccupied with his sulk that he almost didn’t notice his favourite frenemy peering at him in an even shiftier manner than usual. Too depressed to fend off the Master, the Tenth Doctor made no attempt to resist the summons. Then he wished he had when he saw both Master 1.0 and Master 2.0 grinning at him maniacally.

“So,” Master 1.0 said, “we hear you have a problem that needs taking care of.”





Master 2.0 nodded. “Yeah, someone you want rubbing out.”

“Eliminated.”

“Terminated.”

“Dispatched.”

“Crushed.”

“Shouldn’t be too difficult considering he’s made of paper.”

“We would just need to toss a match at him – ”

“And he’d go up in seconds.”

“Whoosh!”

“WHOOSH!”





Both Masters began cackling wildly, falling against each other in their mirth.

“You do realize that if I kill him, I risk killing myself,” the Tenth Doctor said.

Master 2.0 lifted his head off Master 1.0’s shoulder. “And that would be a problem because...?”





“The answer’s no.” The Tenth Doctor started to walk away, but Master 1.0 quickly grabbed his arm.

“Okay, okay, we won’t set him alight,” Master 1.0 said, “but we could arrange to put him out of commission.”

The Tenth Doctor stared back at him in confusion. “How? By breaking his legs?”

Master 2.0 stepped between them. “No, no, no. That’s much too simple. We’d arrange for him to have a little accident. Of course, when I say ‘little,’ what I really mean is a rather big accident.”

Master 1.0 wrapped an arm around Master 2.0’s shoulders. “No, petal. It can’t be a rather big accident because that might make him dead. I was thinking of suspended animation or possibly cryogenics, though cryogenics might be a problem considering how much rusty_armour has crammed in her freezer.”





“No can do, I’m afraid.”

The three Time Lords turned as one to discover that McKay had been listening in on their conversation.

“If you froze the Fifth Doctor, it would still be a problem for this Doctor,” McKay said. “Don’t you remember what happened when your fourth incarnation got trapped in the time vortex? You kept collapsing and fading in and out of existence.”

“Bloody ‘Five Doctors’,” the Tenth Doctor grumbled.

Master 2.0 studied McKay curiously. “Where did you come from?”

“And how did you know about the time vortex and everything that happened on Gallifrey with Borusa?” Master 1.0 asked.

“What can I say?” McKay said. “I’m a big fan of the show.”

Master 2.0’s brow furrowed. “Show?”

“Look, I don’t know why you guys are making all of this so complicated. He’s made out of paper, right? Why don’t you just stick him between two pages of a book? There’s no shortage of books in this place. A Norton anthology would probably do the trick.”

The Tenth Doctor looked doubtful. “I don’t exactly wish to hurt him...”

McKay snorted. “He’s made out of paper. How’s it going to hurt? And he’ll be sandwiched between more paper, so he’ll feel right at home.”

“I don’t know...”

“You’d have the advantage of being able to get rid of him without killing yourself,” Master 1.0 said.

“Though killing yourself would obviously be preferable,” Master 2.0 murmured.

The Tenth Doctor looked at McKay. “I can understand why they’re supporting this plan, but why are you?”





McKay’s blue eyes turned a shade cooler. “That tea-drinking, fashion-challenged twit said that Canada would never be truly civilized until its people embraced cricket over hockey.”

The three Time Lords stared at McKay blankly.

“Trust me. That’s a massive insult to Canada. The Doctor must die!”

The Tenth Doctor cleared his throat.

“I mean, the Doctor must be placed gently, but firmly, between two pages of a massive tome!”

When the Tenth Doctor said nothing, McKay and the Masters eyed him expectantly.

The Tenth Doctor covered his face with both hands. “Argh! Instead of having an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, I’ve got two devils and a barmy Canadian on my back!”

“So two devils and an angel, then,” McKay said.

Master 1.0 placed a hand on the Tenth Doctor’s shoulder. “You have to do something with him, Doctor, or you’ll never know a moment’s peace.”





“Sorry. I don’t think so.”

Everyone spun around to see Sheppard pointing a gun in their direction.

McKay’s jaw dropped. “John?”

“I make fun of Canada all the time, and you don’t threaten to ‘tome’ me,” Sheppard said.

“And I shoot my mouth off all the time, and you don’t point a gun at me!”





“That would be my doing, I’m afraid.” The Fifth Doctor stepped out from behind the table leg and gave a cheery wave. “I’m terribly sorry about that remark I made about Canada. I meant it as a joke. I’d forgotten just how sensitive you simians are.”

The Tenth Doctor placed his head in his hands again and groaned. “Since when do we carry a gun?”

“Technically, we aren’t,” the Fifth Doctor said. “The nice colonel here got wind of what was happening and very gallantly offered his protection.”





Master 1.0 was now wielding his laser screwdriver. “And why would he be foolish enough to do that?”

Sheppard ignored the weapon that Master 1.0 was waving at him. “I don’t like bullies or fights where the sides aren’t evenly matched.”

Master 1.0 laughed. “Isn’t that sweet? The stupid ape doesn’t know how to count. He thinks 2 + 0 = 4. Even rusty_armour’s math is better than that.”





Mayweather walked out from the other side of the table. “Oh, his math is correct.”

“Because there are four people on his side, not two,” Rose said, stepping out as well.

The Tenth Doctor gaped at Rose, stunned. “Rose? Rose, how could you?”

“Because he’s the Doctor.”

“I’m the Doctor!”

Rose rolled her eyes. “You’re both the Doctor. I was there when you regenerated, remember? I was able to accept it when you got a new face, though I’ll admit it took time.”

“And it’s not as if there’s only a couple of you,” Mayweather said. “You’re on what? Your thirteenth incarnation now?”

Rose smirked. “And she’s a woman.”

Both Doctors winced.

The Masters glared at Rose. “And what’s wrong with that?”

The Fifth Doctor looked confused for a moment and then his face lit up with understanding. “Ah, don’t tell me. Your latest incarnation is a woman too.”

“It’s very liberating,” Master 1.0 said.

“We get to wear a frock,” Master 2.0 added.

An uncomfortable silence descended until the Fifth Doctor cleared his throat and moved closer to the Tenth Doctor.





“Listen, I can understand why you don’t like me. I seem to have that effect on people. Adric and I squabbled constantly, Tegan complained most of the time, and Turlough started off trying to kill me. Nyssa was the only one of my companions who genuinely seemed to like me and enjoy her time on the TARDIS. What I’m trying to say is that I’m hardly a threat to you. I’m a Doctor without companions. Even the Masters aren’t my Masters. They’re yours. I’ve seen enough fighting. I don’t want to see anymore. I’ll disappear between the pages of a book if that’s what you truly wish.”

The Tenth Doctor sniffed, trying to wipe away a tear surreptitiously. Rose handed him a hankie, and he blew his nose loudly. “I forgot how lonely I used to get when I was you, especially after Nyssa left. You do know that you’re wrong about Adric, Tegan and Turlough, don’t you? They liked you too. They just had rather interesting ways of showing it, that’s all.”

“I’m not sure if ‘interesting’ would have been the adjective I would have chosen...”

The Tenth Doctor began fiddling with the hankie in his hands. “I’ve been terribly silly and have acted appallingly.”

“Now, ‘silly’ and ‘appallingly’ do seem like the appropriate adjective and adverb in this instance,” the Fifth Doctor said, but then he smiled, taking the sting out of his words. “I don’t suppose you would consider giving me a tour of your TARDIS. I wasn’t there long enough to get a good look at it the first time I paid you a visit.”

The Tenth Doctor’s eyes widened. “Good Lord! I’d forgotten about that! Yes, come along with me to the TARDIS.”





“Wait!” Master 1.0 cried as the two Doctors walked off. “You can’t leave! No one’s been maimed yet!”

Sheppard sighed and placed his gun back in its holster. “I think maiming is off the table. We accomplished what we set out to do. Well, some of us, anyway.”

McKay stared down at his boots guiltily, but Master 1.0 still clutched his laser screwdriver, and there was a calculating look in Master 2.0’s eyes.

“Canada and the United States fought a war once, didn’t they?” Master 2.0 said.





Master 1.0 turned to Master 2.0 excitedly. “And Trump hates Trudeau!”

“But which one of them should we whack?” Master 2.0 asked.

“Who says we have to choose? Why can’t we blow them both away?”

“Uh, guys.” Mayweather jerked his chin at the empty space McKay and Sheppard were no longer occupying as they were running across the living room.

Master 1.0 frowned. “Damn. We’re used to the Doctor slipping through our fingers – ”

“But not weak, piddling humans,” Master 2.0 said.





Rose slipped between both Masters, removing the laser screwdriver from a surprised Master 1.0’s fingers. “Forget them. I want to hear about this frock of yours. Do you think the Doctor will wear one too?”