Fic: To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Quite Gone Before (3/3)

[rusty_armour]

Title: To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Quite Gone Before (3/3)
Author: Rusty Armour
Pairing: McShep, Sheppard/Spike, Archer/Reed
Summary: Stepping through the Stargate can sometimes lead to some pretty unexpected places!
Category: Slash, Crossover, Action Figures
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Sanctuary, Epiphany, The Tower, Michael, Miller's Crossing, The Kindred (for SGA) and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (for Harry Potter)
Disclaimer: Thou Shalt Not Steal. Even in the interest of fic. Most of these characters aren't mine. I, uh, borrowed them. Yeah.
Author's Notes: I originally meant to post some pictures of my action figures for fun, but then it kind of blossomed into this very surreal fic. While this obviously doesn't measure up to pollitt's and maverick4oz's Action Figure Theatre, I hope it will still give people a laugh.

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Last time on To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Quite Gone Before, Sheppard found himself in a rather sticky situation. Yes, this time it is that kind of a sticky situation. You should be ashamed of yourself, Sheppard!


"Rodney, I can explain," Sheppard said. "This isn't what it looks like."

McKay rolled his eyes. "Oh, please, Colonel. Don't insult my vast intelligence. I think we both know exactly what you were doing."

Sheppard leapt off the mattress. "It wasn't like that, Rodney. I swear."





"Oh, let me guess," Rodney said. "It wasn't like that with Chaya, Teer, or that bimbo from the ren faire planet gone wrong either."

Billy Idol sat up on the mattress, scrutinizing McKay. "Whoa, are you shacked up with this guy? Being shacked up with a Canadian is seriously uncool, mate."





McKay glared at the vampire. "At least I'm able to accept the fact that the eighties ended, like, two decades ago, Billy."

"The name's Spike, Rodney," the vampire said.

McKay snorted. "Yeah, sure it is."





"Right," Spike said. "I'll get you for that." He launched off the bed, and Sheppard just managed to grab a hold of him before he attacked. However, Spike managed to throw him off easily.





McKay quickly fumbled for his gun, but he was saved the effort when another weapon fired instead. Spike fell to the ground, screaming and clutching his arm.





Sheppard stared incredulously as a little robot dog, and a man dressed in the same uniform as those freaky guys on the spaceship, entered the room and stood beside McKay.





"Bloody hell!" Spike shouted. "That robotic mutt shot me!"





"Affirmative," the robotic mutt said.

The man beside McKay crouched down to pet the robot. "Good work, K-9!"

"Thank you, master," K-9 said.

Sheppard stood up and looked at McKay. "Who are your friends?" he asked.

"As you no doubt heard, the robotic dog is K-9," McKay said. "The man to my left is Jonathan Archer, captain of the Enterprise." Sheppard burst out laughing, and McKay glared at him. "No, he really believes that he's the captain of the Enterprise."





Archer placed his hands on his hips. "I am the captain of the Enterprise. Why does everyone always laugh whenever I say that?"





McKay cleared his throat. "Captain Archer and K-9 were kind enough to give me a lift here. Of course, if I'd known you'd just gone off to play slut again, I wouldn't have bothered." He sat down on the mattress, looking like his cat had just died.





"Ah, come on, Rodney. It really wasn't like that," Sheppard said, sitting beside him. He placed a hand on McKay's back. "Hey, buddy…"

"Don't 'Hey, buddy' me, you-you Kirk!" McKay snapped.





Sheppard removed his hand then smiled sheepishly at Archer and K-9. "His blood sugar is probably just low. He always gets cranky when that happens."

"I could take care of his blood problems for him," Spike said from his position on the ground. Sheppard frowned and moved a bit closer to McKay, who immediately shifted away and turned his back on him.

"You know, whenever my armoury officer gets testy, I find it helps if I smile at him and squeeze his shoulder," Archer said.

"Is your armoury officer this little English guy named Malcolm Reed?" Sheppard asked.

Archer broke into a grin. "Yeah, that's him."

"Well, Reed's nuts. He's hanging out with a killing machine and talking about becoming a human Dalek."





Archer sighed. "I was afraid this would happen. Malcolm just hasn't been the same since Hayes died." He stood lost in though for a moment before his eyes moved swiftly to Sheppard again. "Did you say 'Dalek'? Do you mean that thing is still on my ship?"

Sheppard nodded. "Yeah, I'm afraid so. Oh, and rumour has it that you've been exterminated."





"I was," Archer said, "or, at least, I thought I had been." He took a seat beside Sheppard on the mattress. "I heard Malcolm's agonized scream and saw the bright flash of the Dalek's weapon firing, but I didn't die. Instead, I found myself on some strange planet."

"It was a teleportation device," K-9 explained. "Instead of disintegrating my master's molecules, it first disassembled them and then reassembled them in another dimension."

Archer smiled at K-9. "If it wasn't for this little fella, I probably would have died on that planet."

"Negative, master," K-9 said. "I would not have known to look for you if Porthos had not apprised me of the situation.

"Porthos?" Sheppard asked.





"His beagle," Rodney muttered from where he sat sulking.

"Cool," Sheppard said. "I guess dog really is man's best friend."





McKay didn't even look at him. "Well, it certainly isn't American Air Force colonels."


^ ^ ^





Sheppard had been afraid that McKay might freeze him out permanently. However, it turned out that all was forgiven about ten minutes later, when they were standing in K-9's ship and McKay was holding on to Sheppard for dear life.





Sheppard was secretly relieved, though he pretended otherwise. "McKay, the ship is perfectly safe. The forcefield around us is invisible, remember?"





McKay sniffed against Sheppard's shoulder. "So the dog says."

"Rodney, if the forcefield wasn't working, we would have been sucked into space," Sheppard said.

McKay moaned. "Oh, thanks a lot! I was only worrying about the lack of oxygen inside the ship a minute ago: now I have to consider what will happen if we lose the forcefield!"

Sheppard sighed. "Rodney, you already travelled on this ship once and you got through it okay without me being here, didn't you?"

"That's because he was clinging on to me," Archer said.

The ship jolted and McKay clung to Sheppard even tighter. "Don't let me go, John. Promise you won't let go of me."





Sheppard patted McKay's back reassuringly. "I won't, Rodney." Hoping to distract his terrified friend, he asked, "What kind of technology is this ship using, anyway?"





McKay took a deep breath and managed to loosen his grip on Sheppard. "I don't know," he admitted, "but I'm guessing it's some revolutionary new source of power we've never come across before."


^ ^ ^





After making a quick trip to Earth to pick up Porthos, K-9 delivered Jonathan Archer safely to his ship and everything returned to normal again.





Well, almost normal.





Close enough.





In the Pegasus Galaxy, McKay managed to track down a mattress that was almost identical to the one Spike possessed. He designed a futon frame for it, so that the mattress could serve as a couch when the team, or just he and Sheppard, wanted to watch movies.





Then there were the nights when Sheppard was feeling a little bit frisky.





On those occasions, the futon was put to an entirely different use altogether.


The End


Part One

Part Two