Fic: To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Quite Gone Before (3/3)

[rusty_armour]

Title: To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Quite Gone Before (3/3)
Author: Rusty Armour
Pairing: McShep, Sheppard/Spike, Archer/Reed
Summary: Stepping through the Stargate can sometimes lead to some pretty unexpected places!
Category: Slash, Crossover, Action Figures
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Sanctuary, Epiphany, The Tower, Michael, Miller's Crossing, The Kindred (for SGA) and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (for Harry Potter)
Disclaimer: Thou Shalt Not Steal. Even in the interest of fic. Most of these characters aren't mine. I, uh, borrowed them. Yeah.
Author's Notes: I originally meant to post some pictures of my action figures for fun, but then it kind of blossomed into this very surreal fic. While this obviously doesn't measure up to pollitt's and maverick4oz's Action Figure Theatre, I hope it will still give people a laugh.

---

Last time on To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Quite Gone Before, Sheppard found himself in a rather sticky situation. Yes, this time it is that kind of a sticky situation. You should be ashamed of yourself, Sheppard!


"Rodney, I can explain," Sheppard said. "This isn't what it looks like."

McKay rolled his eyes. "Oh, please, Colonel. Don't insult my vast intelligence. I think we both know exactly what you were doing."

Sheppard leapt off the mattress. "It wasn't like that, Rodney. I swear."





"Oh, let me guess," Rodney said. "It wasn't like that with Chaya, Teer, or that bimbo from the ren faire planet gone wrong either."

Billy Idol sat up on the mattress, scrutinizing McKay. "Whoa, are you shacked up with this guy? Being shacked up with a Canadian is seriously uncool, mate."





McKay glared at the vampire. "At least I'm able to accept the fact that the eighties ended, like, two decades ago, Billy."

"The name's Spike, Rodney," the vampire said.

McKay snorted. "Yeah, sure it is."





"Right," Spike said. "I'll get you for that." He launched off the bed, and Sheppard just managed to grab a hold of him before he attacked. However, Spike managed to throw him off easily.





McKay quickly fumbled for his gun, but he was saved the effort when another weapon fired instead. Spike fell to the ground, screaming and clutching his arm.





Sheppard stared incredulously as a little robot dog, and a man dressed in the same uniform as those freaky guys on the spaceship, entered the room and stood beside McKay.





"Bloody hell!" Spike shouted. "That robotic mutt shot me!"





"Affirmative," the robotic mutt said.

The man beside McKay crouched down to pet the robot. "Good work, K-9!"

"Thank you, master," K-9 said.

Sheppard stood up and looked at McKay. "Who are your friends?" he asked.

"As you no doubt heard, the robotic dog is K-9," McKay said. "The man to my left is Jonathan Archer, captain of the Enterprise." Sheppard burst out laughing, and McKay glared at him. "No, he really believes that he's the captain of the Enterprise."





Archer placed his hands on his hips. "I am the captain of the Enterprise. Why does everyone always laugh whenever I say that?"





McKay cleared his throat. "Captain Archer and K-9 were kind enough to give me a lift here. Of course, if I'd known you'd just gone off to play slut again, I wouldn't have bothered." He sat down on the mattress, looking like his cat had just died.





"Ah, come on, Rodney. It really wasn't like that," Sheppard said, sitting beside him. He placed a hand on McKay's back. "Hey, buddy…"

"Don't 'Hey, buddy' me, you-you Kirk!" McKay snapped.





Sheppard removed his hand then smiled sheepishly at Archer and K-9. "His blood sugar is probably just low. He always gets cranky when that happens."

"I could take care of his blood problems for him," Spike said from his position on the ground. Sheppard frowned and moved a bit closer to McKay, who immediately shifted away and turned his back on him.

"You know, whenever my armoury officer gets testy, I find it helps if I smile at him and squeeze his shoulder," Archer said.

"Is your armoury officer this little English guy named Malcolm Reed?" Sheppard asked.

Archer broke into a grin. "Yeah, that's him."

"Well, Reed's nuts. He's hanging out with a killing machine and talking about becoming a human Dalek."





Archer sighed. "I was afraid this would happen. Malcolm just hasn't been the same since Hayes died." He stood lost in though for a moment before his eyes moved swiftly to Sheppard again. "Did you say 'Dalek'? Do you mean that thing is still on my ship?"

Sheppard nodded. "Yeah, I'm afraid so. Oh, and rumour has it that you've been exterminated."





"I was," Archer said, "or, at least, I thought I had been." He took a seat beside Sheppard on the mattress. "I heard Malcolm's agonized scream and saw the bright flash of the Dalek's weapon firing, but I didn't die. Instead, I found myself on some strange planet."

"It was a teleportation device," K-9 explained. "Instead of disintegrating my master's molecules, it first disassembled them and then reassembled them in another dimension."

Archer smiled at K-9. "If it wasn't for this little fella, I probably would have died on that planet."

"Negative, master," K-9 said. "I would not have known to look for you if Porthos had not apprised me of the situation.

"Porthos?" Sheppard asked.





"His beagle," Rodney muttered from where he sat sulking.

"Cool," Sheppard said. "I guess dog really is man's best friend."





McKay didn't even look at him. "Well, it certainly isn't American Air Force colonels."


^ ^ ^





Sheppard had been afraid that McKay might freeze him out permanently. However, it turned out that all was forgiven about ten minutes later, when they were standing in K-9's ship and McKay was holding on to Sheppard for dear life.





Sheppard was secretly relieved, though he pretended otherwise. "McKay, the ship is perfectly safe. The forcefield around us is invisible, remember?"





McKay sniffed against Sheppard's shoulder. "So the dog says."

"Rodney, if the forcefield wasn't working, we would have been sucked into space," Sheppard said.

McKay moaned. "Oh, thanks a lot! I was only worrying about the lack of oxygen inside the ship a minute ago: now I have to consider what will happen if we lose the forcefield!"

Sheppard sighed. "Rodney, you already travelled on this ship once and you got through it okay without me being here, didn't you?"

"That's because he was clinging on to me," Archer said.

The ship jolted and McKay clung to Sheppard even tighter. "Don't let me go, John. Promise you won't let go of me."





Sheppard patted McKay's back reassuringly. "I won't, Rodney." Hoping to distract his terrified friend, he asked, "What kind of technology is this ship using, anyway?"





McKay took a deep breath and managed to loosen his grip on Sheppard. "I don't know," he admitted, "but I'm guessing it's some revolutionary new source of power we've never come across before."


^ ^ ^





After making a quick trip to Earth to pick up Porthos, K-9 delivered Jonathan Archer safely to his ship and everything returned to normal again.





Well, almost normal.





Close enough.





In the Pegasus Galaxy, McKay managed to track down a mattress that was almost identical to the one Spike possessed. He designed a futon frame for it, so that the mattress could serve as a couch when the team, or just he and Sheppard, wanted to watch movies.





Then there were the nights when Sheppard was feeling a little bit frisky.





On those occasions, the futon was put to an entirely different use altogether.


The End


Part One

Part Two

Comments

[neevebrody.livejournal.com]

SERIOUSLY - Laughed my ASS off! This was great - I enjoyed every bit of it. Fantastic job!

ETA: I rec'd this, hope you don't mind. I've gone back and read it again and honestly, this is so brilliant I can't stand it. Definitely going into the memories and please, please, please GIVE US MORE!

[inkscribe.livejournal.com]

ZOMG ... dude ... shacking up with Canadians is uncool? *snerks* And K-9! And disco-dancing Dalek! (Okay, so maybe not disco but seriously, those poses? I couldn't help but hear wee baby!MichaelJackson singing 'ABC' in the background).

Fab fab fab. Thanks! *continues to giggle madly off in all directions*

[bitter-crimson.livejournal.com]

LOLZ! This was hilarious. Loved the endless crossovers. Aw, now I want fun action figures to play around with.

[morebliss.livejournal.com]

Cracky crossover brilliance! And I am sooooo pleased that Spike saved Severus. That's a big load off my mind!!

[vida-boheme.livejournal.com]

I'm here from neevebrody's rec - and it was WELL worth it!

I must say though, my brain has obviously been consumed by slash, because I saw this and immediately thought...



DALEK-SUCKER BLOWJOB!!!

[pixiequeen10thk.livejournal.com]

LOL! Brilliant!

[pyrateanny.livejournal.com]

K-9 would be the perfect pet for Rodney!

And I can't believe you actually have a tiny plastic ZedPM!

What a cool, crazy, crossover universe you've created -- in miniature!

So, what will The [Plastic] Boys' next adventure be?

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

SERIOUSLY - Laughed my ASS off! This was great - I enjoyed every bit of it. Fantastic job!

Thank you very much! I'm thrilled that you laughed your ASS off! :-)

ETA: I rec'd this, hope you don't mind.

Of course I don't mind! That's extremely kind of you! Thank you once again! :-D

I've gone back and read it again and honestly, this is so brilliant I can't stand it. Definitely going into the memories and please, please, please GIVE US MORE!

*Grins in delight* Oooooh! I don't think anyone's ever added one of my posts to their memories before! That's almost as exciting as the rec! :-)

Considering how much fun I had with this bizarre story, I hope to create another fic featuring action figures at some point. However, I'll need to come up with some ideas first. Oh, and I should probably finish the next installment of my WIP before my readers either track me down or abandon the story altogether. As I saw a theatre production of Misery a couple of weeks ago, I'm actually a little more paranoid about being tracked down... *g*

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Yeah, as a Canuck myself, I couldn't resist throwing in that line about shacking up with Canadians being uncool. *g* Oh, and I absolutely love K-9, so I had to find a way to work him in too. I'm happy you like the dancing Dalek. I actually was thinking of disco when I put together those poses, so well spotted! I hadn't imagined a particular song, but I think "ABC" would work perfectly!

Thanks again for reading this! I'm so happy you enjoyed it! :-)

[monkey-junkey.livejournal.com]

I am blown away by your brilliance :D

[sgakaz.livejournal.com]

Sweet and hilarious, bit surprised John didn't get jealous about Rodney clinging to Archer but then he did have an handful of Rodney to distract him.

[inkscribe.livejournal.com]

Yeah, as a Canuck myself, I couldn't resist throwing in that line about shacking up with Canadians being uncool. *g*

Oooh ... moi aussi! If you do a followup with Chuck someday, make sure he's snacking on Smarties. I have the sekkrit belief that he was highly disappointed that for the first year's provisions, they only included M&Ms. *g*

*makes note to friend fellow Canuck*



Oh, and I absolutely love K-9, so I had to find a way to work him in too.

I used to have a K9 in my postal code, so I was inordinately fond of him. *g*



I'm happy you like the dancing Dalek. I actually was thinking of disco when I put together those poses, so well spotted! I hadn't imagined a particular song, but I think "ABC" would work perfectly!

I'm woefully not 'up' on disco ... my memories remain hazy. Actually, that's probably a good thing. But that little horror of a song seems to pop up lately whenever I'm out shopping or whatever. Ack. Thank god CBC doesn't play music very often.


Thanks again for reading this! I'm so happy you enjoyed it! :-)

Thanks for taking the time to shoot/write it. I'm still snerking! :-)

[argosy.livejournal.com]

Hurray! Very funny! Is it wrong that I lust after tiny plastic Rodney?

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Yeah, as a Canuck myself, I couldn't resist throwing in that line about shacking up with Canadians being uncool. *g*

Oooh ... moi aussi!

Ah, I wondered if you might be. I figured that only a Canadian would really find that line funny. *g*

If you do a followup with Chuck someday, make sure he's snacking on Smarties. I have the sekkrit belief that he was highly disappointed that for the first year's provisions, they only included M&Ms. *g*

LOL! I actually can picture Chuck munching on Smarties! I can even imagine him eating the red ones last! *g* Man, Chuck's disappointment about the first year's provisions only including M&Ms would make a fic in itself!

*makes note to friend fellow Canuck*

Ooooh! Thanks for friending me! I've now friended you back. :-)

I used to have a K9 in my postal code, so I was inordinately fond of him. *g*

Oh, that's cool. Cooler than my reason for liking him. My reason for liking him doesn't really go much beyond "Ahhhh! What an adorable itty bitty metal doggie!" ;-)

I'm woefully not 'up' on disco ... my memories remain hazy. Actually, that's probably a good thing. But that little horror of a song seems to pop up lately whenever I'm out shopping or whatever. Ack. Thank god CBC doesn't play music very often.

Yeah, "ABC" is played a lot for some reason. And I have to confess that my knowledge of disco is also pretty pitiful. To be honest, I'm not sure if Trip and Travis had the right moves for disco. However, as they live in the 22nd century, I think they can be forgiven. *g*

Thanks for taking the time to shoot/write it. I'm still snerking! :-)

Ahhhh! It's great that you're still snerking! :-)

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I wasn't sure how the crossovers would be received, so I'm really glad you liked them! :-)

I should probably warn you that playing with action figures can very addictive. However, it's also a lot of fun. I do recommend the SGA action figures if you're at all interested. I think Diamond Select did a really good job. The McKay action figure is especially exciting because he comes with all these cool McKay gadgets and a ZPM!

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

LOL! Well, I'm glad that somebody wasn't spoiled when it came to Snape! *g* I'm also glad that the rescue has taken a big load off your mind. I know I was worried for a while because J.K. made the situation seem pretty bleak.

Thanks for reading this crazy fic. I'm happy you enjoyed it. :-)

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

LOLOLOLOLOL!!! Oh, man! I can't believe I didn't notice that before! I mean, it's hard not to go there when the evidence is right there in front of you! *VBG*

Well, despite all the moral corruption in this fic, I appreciate you taking the time to read it after neevebrody was kind enough to rec it. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. :-)

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! I'm glad you liked it! :-)

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

K-9 would be the perfect pet for Rodney!

Although Rodney is a cat person, I think K-9 would be the perfect pet for him. For one thing, K-9 probably wouldn't run away like his last dog...

And I can't believe you actually have a tiny plastic ZedPM!

Would you believe that the McKay action figure comes with that ZedPM? I was so pleasantly surprised when I came across it! Then I was a little concerned because I was afraid Sheppard might get jealous. However, a little healthy competition isn't necessarily a bad thing.

What a cool, crazy, crossover universe you've created -- in miniature!

Thank you! :-) If the cool, crazy, crossover universe works at all, it's mostly due to those fabulous action figures!

So, what will The [Plastic] Boys' next adventure be?

That's a very good question. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea. However, I've already received a couple of suggestions! *g*

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

And I'm blown away by your comment! Thank you, monkey_junkey! I'm so happy you enjoyed the story! :-D

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

LOL! Now that's the kind of response I was aiming for! Thank you very much! :-)

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sgakaz! I'm glad you liked it! :-)

To be honest, I'm not sure why John didn't get jealous. However, I think your theory works nicely. It's either that or John was so relieved to be out of the doghouse (and on the dogship) that he kept his jealousy under wraps.

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you found this funny! :-) And if it's wrong to lust after tiny plastic Rodney then I don't want to be right! *g*

[pyrateanny.livejournal.com]

Face it: we all lust after tiny plastic men that we can bend to our will! *g*

Now, if we could just peel those plastic clothes off them ....!

[pyrateanny.livejournal.com]

>>>Would you believe that the McKay action figure comes with that ZedPM? I was so pleasantly surprised when I came across it! Then I was a little concerned because I was afraid Sheppard might get jealous.<<<

Jealous indeed! That ZedPM is way cooler that Shep's tiny plastic P90!

[smirnoffmule.livejournal.com]

Oh that was genius. I love the disco dancing dalek too. Made of win!

[njc2007.livejournal.com]

Yup. Dalek sucker blowjob is definitely what jumped into my mind. Maybe you could get the Dalek and K9 into some sexual situations. That might be fun. The Dalek would be like a Black Widow and kill his partner after sex.

Damn. Now my imagination is active and I have to do boring bookkeeping today. Curses. Foiled again.

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

You should definitely be writing Dalek slash! *g* Well, I'd be okay with the Dalek and K-9 getting in on the action, though I'd have to have the Dalek kill something else after sex because I couldn't bear it if K-9 died. Still, I bet a Dalek would be like a Black Widow after sex!

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Face it: we all lust after tiny plastic men that we can bend to our will! *g*

LOL! Too true! :-)

Now, if we could just peel those plastic clothes off them ....!

I still think that's a brilliant idea! Someone should market that! *g*

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! I'm so glad you enjoyed this strange fic...and the disco dancing Dalek! :-)

[njc2007.livejournal.com]

No, don't let K-9 die!!! I'd say that the Dalek should have action and K-9 should have action; but not together. That way, K-9 is safe(ish).

I'm much better at imagining than I am at writing. My writing talents (I use that word very loosely) are more suited to plays than stories as I am very lean on description.

Feel free to use my ideas. No credit necessary.

Oh my god!

[jackycomelately.livejournal.com]

I recognize that bed! Heee!

Your Rodney finally arrived! Awesome! The other guys are all well and good, but nothing can replace THE RODNEY! THE RODNEY RULES! And, so DO YOU! Adventures in plastic continues! Sorry to take so long to respond!

Don't 'Hey, buddy' me, you-you Kirk!" McKay snapped.

Hee, way to make canon slashy! And, on the show it's all in the way Joe F. says it really.

McKay sniffed against Sheppard's shoulder. "So the dog says."

Classic McKay! Great line!

Futon! Howl!

Awwwww...they're holding hands...

I have to agree with Inkscribe "disco-dancing Dalek" is the bombe! My favourite however is the lowering level of normality:

"Well, almost normal."

"Close enough."

I'm dying to get an up close look the action figures!

Re: Oh my god!

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

I recognize that bed! Heee!

Well, I would hope so considering that you gave it to me! *g* I was hoping you'd get a kick out of seeing it show up in the fic. And, hey, I was happy to be able to put it to good use! :-)

Your Rodney finally arrived! Awesome! The other guys are all well and good, but nothing can replace THE RODNEY! THE RODNEY RULES!

In the end, I had to order Rodney from ToysOnFire.ca (http://www.toysonfire.ca/) because Silver Snail stopped carrying the SGA action figures. However, he was definitely worth the wait! :-)

And, so DO YOU! Adventures in plastic continues! Sorry to take so long to respond!

Ah...thanks! No worries about the delay in response. I know how busy you are at work. Besides, like my McKay action figure, your comments were worth the wait. :-)

Don't 'Hey, buddy' me, you-you Kirk!" McKay snapped.

Hee, way to make canon slashy! And, on the show it's all in the way Joe F. says it really.

Oh, Joe F. totally makes that word slashy! It's sad but one of my favourite parts of "Grace Under Pressure" was Sheppard saying, "Hey, buddy" on the radio.

McKay sniffed against Sheppard's shoulder. "So the dog says."

Classic McKay! Great line!

LOL! I'd forgotten about that line! I'm glad you like it! :-)

Futon! Howl!

Awwwww...they're holding hands...

Well, it's Sheppard and McKay + a futon, so I figured they had to at least hold hands.

I have to agree with Inkscribe "disco-dancing Dalek" is the bombe! My favourite however is the lowering level of normality:

"Well, almost normal."

"Close enough."

I really lucked out with both the pictures and the description. Both my photo and action!figure fic muses were extremely kind to me that day!

I'm dying to get an up close look the action figures!

And so you shall! Next time we see each other, I'll be sure to bring along both the action figures and their various accessories! :-)

[canadian-jay.livejournal.com]

"Being shacked up with a Canadian is seriously uncool, mate." "

<That line there just about killed me again, but I decided you probably didn't want to clean up more feathers, so I didn't die, just keeled over for a while. xD Seriously hilarious! Just... too funny.

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

LOL! I figured you would either hate that line or love it! And, as I had a Canadian character, I had to make at least one shameless reference to the Great White North! *g*

I'm glad you just keeled over instead of dying. It's not that I object to cleaning up the feathers. It really is concern about your well-being. ;-)

[canadian-jay.livejournal.com]

But of course you did! And of course I loved it. I mean, omg, Canada, mentioned in fic! On teh internetz! zomg!

Your concern is really quite touching! ;D