Birthday Fic: Fall Out Boy Fall Out (1/2)
Sep. 23rd, 2011 12:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rusty_armourTitle: Fall Out Boy Fall Out (1/2)
Author: Rusty Armour
Summary: The action figures can’t stop singing Fall Out Boy songs – literally. Can the Doctor find a way to save his ears and his friends?
Category: Slashy Action Figure fic kind of deal. Crossover of Fall Out Boy, Doctor Who, Enterprise, Stargate Atlantis, Primeval, and Robin of Sherwood – with a tiny bit of Buffy and Harry Potter thrown in for good measure.
Rating: PG-13. Mostly.
Spoilers: Uh…possibly several?
Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine, with the exception of Giant Hand, Earhart and Lester!Dog. It’s not worth suing me because I have no real money to speak of – except that treasure that’s still buried in Bluffer’s Park.
Author Notes: This was written for
jackycomelately’s birthday. She specifically asked for an action figure story that involved Fall Out Boy in some way. I hope this fic won’t disappoint.
I can't remember, I can't remember
And I want it so bad, I'd shoot the sunshine into my veins
I can't remember the good old days
And it's kind of funny
The way we're wearing anchors on our shirts
When being anchored aboard just feels like a curse
The Doctor tilted his head and listened closely, trying to work out the significance of the lyrics. Curious, he moved closer to the source of the music.
My body is an orphanage, we take everyone in
Doing lines of dust and sweat
Off last night's stage, just to feel like you
The milligrams in my head burning tobacco in my wind
Chasing the direction, chasing the direction you went
You're a bottled star, the planets align you just like mars
You shine in the sky, you shine in the sky
The Doctor whipped out his sonic screwdriver and quickened his pace, determined to track down the singers.
The Doctor froze, staring at the spectacle before him in disbelief. “Why are you doing this? What’s happening to you?”
The way we're wearing anchors on our shirts
When being anchored aboard just feels like a curse
My mind is a safe and if I keep it then we all get rich
My body is an orphanage, we take everyone in
Doing lines of dust and sweat off last night's stage
Just to feel like you
(If home is where the heart is, then we're all just fucked)
The Doctor backed away slowly, still clutching his sonic screwdriver in his hand. He needed to gather the others and hope they could neutralize this Starfleet threat. He decided to seek out Sheppard first. With his military background, Sheppard was bound to be an asset. Even Sheppard’s pudgy Canadian friend could come in useful, though more in terms of brain rather than brawn. Of course, McKay wasn’t as brilliant as him, but, really, who was?
The Doctor seemed to remember McKay babbling about embarking on a scientific mission to explore whether Harry the succulent had succeeded in gaining a dominant position over Audrey 3, 4, 5 and 6 on
rusty_armour’s balcony. Knowing Sheppard, he would be equally bored and insist on accompanying his friend, so the balcony seemed as good a place to start as any. The Doctor had only made it about halfway to the balcony when he heard it.
Woah, love songs so genuinely cunning
Woah, we're so miserable and stunning
Woah, love songs so genuinely cunning, hey
“No, no, no!” the Doctor cried. “Not again!”
The Doctor clutched at his hair frantically. “Why is everyone singing? What is everyone singing?”
McKay reluctantly stopped singing long enough to answer the Doctor’s question. “It’s Fall Out Boy, and we’re singing because they’re the best group ever!”
Sheppard closed his eyes and sighed. “I don’t think they’re the best group ever. If I could stop singing, I would.”
McKay elbowed Sheppard sharply in the ribs. “Of course you think Fall Out Boy is the best group ever. Who else but the best group ever would name their band after a Simpsons’ character or be ranked the 93rd Best Artist of the last decade by Billboard?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” the Doctor said. “What did you say? Rewind.”
“To which bit?” McKay asked. “The part about Fall Out Boy naming their group after a Simpsons’ character or the part about being ranked the 93d Best Artist of the last decade by Billboard?”
The Doctor shook his head wildly. “No, not you! Sheppard! What did you mean when you said you couldn’t stop singing, Colonel?”
Sheppard shrugged. “It’s as if I’m compelled to sing Fall Out Boy lyrics. The more I fight it, the stronger the urge becomes to…”
For secret girls
Who never stood a ch-ch-ch-ch-chance in the world
I'm not ready for sincerity
I'd tell any lie to keep you listen-listen-listen-listening
The Doctor had learned over the centuries that sometimes a tactical retreat was the best option. Nevertheless, he shouted encouragement to Sheppard over his shoulder as he ran. “I’ll come back to save you, Sheppard! I promise!”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that one before,” Sheppard grumbled. Then he joined McKay in singing “Austin, We Have A Problem”.
After learning that a man like Sheppard had been rendered helpless by the insidious power of Fall Out Boy, the Doctor was desperate to ensure Rose’s safety. Unfortunately, he heard her voice long before he saw her. She was singing her heart out with two fellow Brits.
The best of us can find happiness in misery
I don't care what you think as long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness in misery
The Doctor placed his head in his hands and moaned. “No, not Rose too! Not Rose!”
Rose stopped singing and broke into a dazzling smile. “Doctor, you’re here! Come and join us! You can be Andy Hurley!”
The Doctor’s shoulders slumped and he turned, walking away dejectedly. If Rose was lost to him then what was the point of living in this wretched flat anymore? Perhaps if
rusty_armour was on the computer (which was more than likely), he could talk her into auctioning him off on eBay. However, when the Doctor reached rusty_armour’s desk, his depression quickly switched to rage. rusty_armour was watching a Doctor/Master vid that had been edited with Fall Out Boy lyrics: “Oh, you vicious cow!” the Doctor cried. “How could you?”
rusty_armour started guiltily and blushed. “What? It’s just a vid.” 
The Doctor glared at
rusty_armour. “That vid of yours is implying that I’m in some kind of kinky and sordid relationship with the Master – with both Masters.” “Well, aren’t you?”
rusty_armour asked. “I mean, there’s obviously something sick and twisted going on with the three of you.” The Doctor rolled his eyes. “Oh, you humans and your labels. Your labels, and your boxes, and your constant need to catalogue and categorize everything.”
rusty_armour raised her hands defensively. “Hey, I wasn’t making any judgments, Space Boy,” she said. “In fact, I was really enjoying this vid before you showed up and started hurling insults and accusations at me. You know, I have a good mind to auction you off on eBay, you little plastic pervert.” The Doctor nodded eagerly. “Yes, auction me off on eBay. Please. I’m begging you.”
“Naaah. The Masters would be heart-broken if they didn’t have you to play with.”
rusty_armour gave a quick command to Giant Hand, who lifted off of the keyboard to scoop up the Doctor. “Considering your low opinion of humans, I think maybe you should spend some quality time with your fellow Time Lords.” 
Unable to escape from the stubby, but surprisingly strong, fingers, the Doctor allowed himself to be carried over to the storage ottoman where the Masters were chilling out on the deck chairs.
“Well, if it isn’t the Doctor,” Master 1.0 said.
Master 2.0 grinned. “Hello, Doctor.”
The Doctor felt a muscle in his cheek twitch – the reaction he usually had when faced with his nemesis multiplied by two. “So, what evil plot are you both hatching today, then, hmm?”
“Plot?” Master 1.0 asked. “We were just sitting here admiring the view.”
“View? What view?” The Doctor whirled around and saw a cardboard model of the Eiffel Tower on the floor below. “Oh la la.” He turned back around to face his collective enemy. “Look, I couldn’t help noticing that neither one of you is singing.”
Master 1.0 raised an eyebrow. “Why? Should we be singing?”
“No, no, no!” the Doctor said. “No, I’m very happy that you aren’t. Discovering that Time Lords are immune provides me with a clue to this strange affliction everyone else seems to be suffering from.”
Master 2.0 gazed up at the Doctor innocently. “And what affliction would that be?”
The Doctor tossed a cautious look over his shoulder then lowered his voice. “Well, it’s the most peculiar thing. Everyone is singing Fall Out Boy songs. Can’t stop, apparently.”
Master 1.0’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really? That’s fascinating, Doctor.”
The Doctor’s eyes narrowed. “You wouldn’t know anything about this, would you?”
Master 2.0 laughed. “We’ve never even heard of Fall Out Boy.”
“Well, actually, that’s not entirely true,” Master 1.0 said. “He’s Radioactive Man’s sidekick, remember?”
Master 2.0 smacked his forehead. “Yes, of course. The Simpsons. Brilliant show.” He stood up, taking in the view. “Every time I see the Eiffel Tower, I think of A View to a Kill. Anyone want to play?”
Master 1.0 leapt up from his deck chair enthusiastically. “Could I be Max Zorin this time?”
Master 2.0 sighed. “No, we’ve been through this. You have the wrong hair colour. That’s why I get to be Max Zorin. You can be May Day.”
Master 1.0 put his hands on his hips. “But I always have to be May Day when I not only have the wrong hair colour, but the wrong skin colour and gender as well!”
“Yes, but you’re more than sexy enough to give Grace Jones a run for her money,” Master 2.0 said. And, with that, he grabbed Master 1.0 and proceeded to snog him senseless.
The Doctor yelped and averted his eyes quickly. “Taxi!” he shouted. “TAXI!”
Thankfully, Giant Hand quickly swooped in and carried the Doctor away. “Where to, handsome?”
“As much as it pains me to admit it, I think I need to consult Herne Bear.”
Lifting his brown furry arms, Herne Bear stated the bleeding obvious once again. “The sky cries out.”
“With singing,” the Doctor said. “Yeah, I know. I keep trying to shut it out.”
Herne Bear continued, undeterred. “The path you have followed has had many obstacles, yet – ”
“If you’re about to tell me that my song is ending, I can say, in all honesty, that it isn’t. No, there are many, many songs and, tragically, none of them are ending.” The Doctor scrubbed at his face wearily then glanced back at Herne Bear. “Oh. Umm. Sorry.”
Herne regarded the Doctor in an infuriatingly wise and patient manner. “Do you wish to lift the veil of darkness that is shrouding your friends?”
The Doctor nodded. “Yes. Yes, please.”
“Very well,” Herne Bear said. “The answer you seek will be found not in the future, but the past, and deliverance will come from an unlikely source.”
The Doctor inclined his head politely. “Thank you.” Although he hadn’t worked out the meaning of Herne Bear’s prophecy, he was grateful for the information all the same. With this terrible menace he was facing, he needed all the help he could get.
As Herne Bear faded into the mist, the Doctor contemplated what his first step should be. His foot was literally hovering in mid-air when he spotted a very welcome sight rolling towards him.
“K-9!” the Doctor cried. “You’re safe!”
“Affirmative, master,” K-9 said.
“So, you feel no urge to prance around like an idiot and sing Fall Out Boy songs?” the Doctor asked.
“Negative, master.”
The Doctor stroked his chin thoughtfully. “Hmm…that’s interesting. Obviously, computerized dogs, like Time Lords, aren’t being effected by…by whatever this thing is.”
“I have additional data, master,” K-9 said.
The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”
“It would appear Earth animals are also immune. The dog known as Lester and the cat known as Earhart have not been affected. However, they are afraid, master.”
The Doctor’s face fell. “Afraid? Oh, no, we can’t have that, can we, K-9? You’ll have to lead me to them. Allons-y!”
A moment later, the Doctor and K-9 had been deposited on
rusty_armour’s unmade bed, where Lester!Dog and Earhart had burrowed under the quilt. “There, there,” the Doctor said. “It’s all right. You’re safe now. “I’m going to get to the bottom of this once and for all.”
Still trembling, Lester!Dog and Earhart slowly emerged from under the quilt. The Doctor beamed at both of them and was given an affectionate greeting.
“Okay, okay, enough,” the Doctor said. “We have work to do.” He stood up and attempted to straighten out his clothes. “The first thing we need to establish is how we’re going to travel back in time.”
Lester!Dog barked twice and circled around the Doctor.
The Doctor smiled and shook his head. “The TARDIS in this flat is a model made out of cardboard. It can’t move, let alone travel through time and space.”
“Negative, master,” K-9 said.
The Doctor’s head swivelled around in surprise. “What?”
K-9 paused for an instant, retrieving the necessary information. “This is a work of fan fiction, master. Therefore, anything is possible.”
“But how am I supposed to fly her, K-9?” the Doctor asked. “Will the TARDIS be powered by imagination alone?”
“Imagination and me!” Giant Hand bobbed up beside the bed and gave the Doctor a cheeky wave.
The Doctor stared at Giant Hand in disbelief. “You’re going to take us where we need to go?”
“Well, I am attached to the person writing this fic,” Giant Hand said.
The Doctor grimaced. “Ah, right...No, not right! Giant Hand, you might be able to carry the TARDIS around the flat, and possibly through various parts of Toronto, but that doesn’t mean you can send it through time and space.”
Giant Hand twitched impatiently. “Look, just go with it, okay? It’s not as if you’ve ever really worried about the TARDIS landing in the right time and place before, have you?”
“Well…”
Giant Hand floated off to fetch the TARDIS, setting it down on the bed. “Do you have a plan?”
“Of course, I have a plan,” the Doctor said. “I always have a plan, except for when I don’t.” He grinned. “I’m going to stop Fall Out Boy getting together.”
“Uh…are you allowed to do that?” Giant Hand asked. “Doesn’t it screw up some kind of timey-wimey continuum thingie?”
The Doctor shrugged. “Maybe but it will be worth it if the singing stops. If I can go back in time and stop Pete Wentz and Joe Trohman becoming friends then that might just do the trick.”
“You know, for someone who keeps bitching about all the Fall Out Boy songs, you seem to know a lot about the group.” Giant Hand slumped down on the mattress. “Wouldn’t it just be easier to find out why everyone is singing and try to put a stop to it?”
“Easier, yes,” the Doctor said, “but not nearly as much fun.” He walked over to the TARDIS and flung the door open. “All aboard!”
