Birthday Fic: The Walkabout (1/2)

[rusty_armour]

Title: The Walkabout (1/2)
Author: Rusty Armour
Summary: Disaster strikes during a Royal Walkabout on the bridge of the Enterprise.
Category: Action Figure fic first and foremost, but also gen with slight pre-slash overtones and at least one bad sexual joke. Crossover of Enterprise, Primeval, Doctor Who, Sherlock Holmes and Stargate Atlantis.
Rating: PG-13ish, I guess
Spoilers: Nothing too specific, I don’t think. Oh, there’s one spoiler for Sherlock Holmes canon with a reference to “The Final Problem”. There’s also a brief mention of an event from To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Gone Before.
Disclaimer: With a few exceptions, these characters aren’t mine. They’re owned by smarter, richer people. It’s totally not worth it to sue me. I’m just an editor.
Notes: This was written in honour of jackycomelately’s birthday. It’s become an annual tradition to torture her with an Action Figure fic. However, this year, she’s at least partly responsible for the insanity as she’s the one who picked out a birthday card for me with a detachable Queen on the front. She also provided the Union Flag, which came with her meal at The Friar.

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“Captain, I’m really worried about Malcolm.”







“I know what you mean, Trip,” Archer said. “I’m constantly worried about him. I was worried about him even before the Dalek attacked the ship and he descended into madness. I’ve been worried about him since the day we first met.”

“Riiiight. Okay, I get that, I guess, but I’m talking about something that goes beyond his usual brand of Malcolm Reed…eccentricity.”







“Captain, I believe that Commander Tucker is referring to the flag that Lieutenant Reed is holding.”

“And has been holding for over a month!” Tucker exclaimed.

“Really?” Archer gazed across the bridge to where Reed was chatting with Mayweather.





“Huh,” Archer said. “Would you look at that? I never even noticed. Well, you know how patriotic he is and he’s really looking forward to the Queen’s visit.”

Tucker snorted. “I don’t know why he’s so excited. The real Queen died long before he was even born. This one’s just a model.”

Archer quickly clamped a hand over Tucker’s mouth, glancing nervously at Reed. “Don’t you dare say that to Malcolm,” he whispered. “If he wants to wave the Union Jack around and pretend that the real Queen is visiting Enterprise then we’ll let him. I don’t think any of us could survive another Malcolm Reed breakdown.”

“Captain, the official flag of the United Kingdom is referred to as the ‘Union Flag,’ not the ‘Union Jack’,” T’Pol said. “The ‘Union Jack’ is the name of a flag flown on a Royal Navy ship.”

Archer slowly removed his hand from Tucker’s mouth. “Fine. Whatever. Who cares what it’s called?”





“Oi, that’s my flag you’re talking about!”

Archer groaned inwardly then flashed a forced smile. “Mr. Lester. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Captain, I’m rather concerned about the current canine situation.”

Archer raised an eyebrow. “The canine situation?”

Lester nodded. “We don’t have any corgis on the bridge, even though rusty_armour’s mother told her where she might procure some small plastic dogs.”

“Last year, she was complaining that we only had one cat and now she wants me to double the number of dogs,” rusty_armour said. “I wish she’d make up her mind.”

Lester scowled at her. “Yes, thank you. If I desire your input, I’ll ask for it.”

rusty_armour’s bottom lip trembled and she sniffed loudly after failing to produce tears. “How can you say that after everything I’ve done for you?”

Lester laughed. “Everything you’ve done for me? Jenny and I were kidnapped and shipped across the pond to live in a cluttered, claustrophobic fangirl flat in Canada.”





“Hey!” McKay shouted from where he and Sheppard were attempting to build a sculpture out of paperclips.

“Oh, please,” Lester said. “You loved your country so much you went off to another galaxy to get away from it.”





McKay squirmed uncomfortably. “That’s…not entirely true.”





Master 1.0 raised his hand and waved it excitedly. “Oh, oh! I’d like to register a complaint as well. I resent being cast as the villain in all of rusty_armour’s surreal melodramas.”





“Yeah, me too,” Master 2.0 said.

rusty_armour stared at them both in disbelief. “You are villains. You’ve always been villains.”

Master 1.0 glared at her in his own unique maniacal fashion. “Maybe I’d like to be the protagonist for once. Did you ever think of that? The sensitive but extremely rugged hero.”

“Yeah, me too,” Master 2.0 said.





The Doctor cleared his throat. “I think you’ll find that I’m the sensitive but extremely rugged hero. However, as much as it pains me to admit it, I find myself agreeing with the Masters. We’re just puppets to you. Time and time again, you cast us as the players in your ridiculous farces.”

rusty_armour crossed her arms and pouted. “You say that as if it’s a bad thing.”

“It is when you’re at the mercy of a self-indulgent hack,” Lester said.

rusty_armour hissed, baring her teeth. “How dare you describe me so accurately! You’ll regret this, tiny plastic man. You’ll all regret this!” She stormed off, hitting her shin on the bed as usual.

Sheppard shook his head. “Way to go, genius. That self-indulgent hack literally has our fates in her hands.”

“We’re so screwed,” McKay said.

An oppressive silence descended. It was silent for several seconds, in fact. Then Reed shattered it. “But the Queen’s still coming, right?”










“The Queen! The Queen! The Queen! The Queen! TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!”





“MALCOLM! Malcolm, calm down. You’re going to wear yourself out before she even – ”





“She’s here! She’s here! Oh, Trip! She’s here! The Queen! The Queen!” Reed started jumping up and down again, knocking Tucker clear off his feet in his excitement.





“Ma’am, I must apologize for the distinct lack of corgis. I did emphasize the importance of the corgis, but you know what commoners are like.”





“Oh, what a lovely beagle!” the Queen said.

“Ma’am, if you like the beagle, there’s a German shepherd you absolutely must meet.”

The Queen began cooing at Aramis. “Goochie-goochie!”

“Lester! Here boy!”





“Ah, there you are. Come on, the Queen wants to meet you.”

Lester!Dog remained fixed to the spot, a growl emanating from his throat.

“I realize that Her Majesty has displayed a preference for smaller dogs, but I really think we could change all that, perhaps even persuade the Queen to make German shepherds the official royal dog instead of corgis.”

Lester!Dog barked loudly. Lester turned to see what all the commotion was about and gasped.

“Oh dear God!”





“Your Majesty, watch out!" Lester cried.

“GRAVITATE! GRAVITATE!”

There was a bright flash of light, and the Queen disappeared.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Reed screamed.





“Hey, it’s okay, Malcolm,” Tucker said. “Dalek Sek did the same thing to the Captain, remember? The big ol’ red Dalek has just teleported the Queen somewhere. She’ll turn up again…eventually.”

Reed dug his fingers into Tucker’s uniform. “We have to find her, Trip. Now.”

“But – ”

“NOW!”





Part Two