Birthday Fic: The Walkabout (1/2)
Sep. 22nd, 2013 11:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rusty_armourTitle: The Walkabout (1/2)
Author: Rusty Armour
Summary: Disaster strikes during a Royal Walkabout on the bridge of the Enterprise.
Category: Action Figure fic first and foremost, but also gen with slight pre-slash overtones and at least one bad sexual joke. Crossover of Enterprise, Primeval, Doctor Who, Sherlock Holmes and Stargate Atlantis.
Rating: PG-13ish, I guess
Spoilers: Nothing too specific, I don’t think. Oh, there’s one spoiler for Sherlock Holmes canon with a reference to “The Final Problem”. There’s also a brief mention of an event from To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Gone Before.
Disclaimer: With a few exceptions, these characters aren’t mine. They’re owned by smarter, richer people. It’s totally not worth it to sue me. I’m just an editor.
Notes: This was written in honour of
jackycomelately’s birthday. It’s become an annual tradition to torture her with an Action Figure fic. However, this year, she’s at least partly responsible for the insanity as she’s the one who picked out a birthday card for me with a detachable Queen on the front. She also provided the Union Flag, which came with her meal at The Friar.
“I know what you mean, Trip,” Archer said. “I’m constantly worried about him. I was worried about him even before the Dalek attacked the ship and he descended into madness. I’ve been worried about him since the day we first met.”
“Riiiight. Okay, I get that, I guess, but I’m talking about something that goes beyond his usual brand of Malcolm Reed…eccentricity.”
“Captain, I believe that Commander Tucker is referring to the flag that Lieutenant Reed is holding.”
“And has been holding for over a month!” Tucker exclaimed.
“Really?” Archer gazed across the bridge to where Reed was chatting with Mayweather.
“Huh,” Archer said. “Would you look at that? I never even noticed. Well, you know how patriotic he is and he’s really looking forward to the Queen’s visit.”
Tucker snorted. “I don’t know why he’s so excited. The real Queen died long before he was even born. This one’s just a model.”
Archer quickly clamped a hand over Tucker’s mouth, glancing nervously at Reed. “Don’t you dare say that to Malcolm,” he whispered. “If he wants to wave the Union Jack around and pretend that the real Queen is visiting Enterprise then we’ll let him. I don’t think any of us could survive another Malcolm Reed breakdown.”
“Captain, the official flag of the United Kingdom is referred to as the ‘Union Flag,’ not the ‘Union Jack’,” T’Pol said. “The ‘Union Jack’ is the name of a flag flown on a Royal Navy ship.”
Archer slowly removed his hand from Tucker’s mouth. “Fine. Whatever. Who cares what it’s called?”
“Oi, that’s my flag you’re talking about!”
Archer groaned inwardly then flashed a forced smile. “Mr. Lester. To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“Captain, I’m rather concerned about the current canine situation.”
Archer raised an eyebrow. “The canine situation?”
Lester nodded. “We don’t have any corgis on the bridge, even though
rusty_armour’s mother told her where she might procure some small plastic dogs.” “Last year, she was complaining that we only had one cat and now she wants me to double the number of dogs,”
rusty_armour said. “I wish she’d make up her mind.” Lester scowled at her. “Yes, thank you. If I desire your input, I’ll ask for it.”
rusty_armour’s bottom lip trembled and she sniffed loudly after failing to produce tears. “How can you say that after everything I’ve done for you?” Lester laughed. “Everything you’ve done for me? Jenny and I were kidnapped and shipped across the pond to live in a cluttered, claustrophobic fangirl flat in Canada.”
“Hey!” McKay shouted from where he and Sheppard were attempting to build a sculpture out of paperclips.
“Oh, please,” Lester said. “You loved your country so much you went off to another galaxy to get away from it.”
Master 1.0 raised his hand and waved it excitedly. “Oh, oh! I’d like to register a complaint as well. I resent being cast as the villain in all of
rusty_armour’s surreal melodramas.”
“Yeah, me too,” Master 2.0 said.
rusty_armour stared at them both in disbelief. “You are villains. You’ve always been villains.” Master 1.0 glared at her in his own unique maniacal fashion. “Maybe I’d like to be the protagonist for once. Did you ever think of that? The sensitive but extremely rugged hero.”
“Yeah, me too,” Master 2.0 said.
The Doctor cleared his throat. “I think you’ll find that I’m the sensitive but extremely rugged hero. However, as much as it pains me to admit it, I find myself agreeing with the Masters. We’re just puppets to you. Time and time again, you cast us as the players in your ridiculous farces.”
rusty_armour crossed her arms and pouted. “You say that as if it’s a bad thing.” “It is when you’re at the mercy of a self-indulgent hack,” Lester said.
rusty_armour hissed, baring her teeth. “How dare you describe me so accurately! You’ll regret this, tiny plastic man. You’ll all regret this!” She stormed off, hitting her shin on the bed as usual. Sheppard shook his head. “Way to go, genius. That self-indulgent hack literally has our fates in her hands.”
“We’re so screwed,” McKay said.
An oppressive silence descended. It was silent for several seconds, in fact. Then Reed shattered it. “But the Queen’s still coming, right?”
“The Queen! The Queen! The Queen! The Queen! TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!”
“She’s here! She’s here! Oh, Trip! She’s here! The Queen! The Queen!” Reed started jumping up and down again, knocking Tucker clear off his feet in his excitement.
“Ma’am, I must apologize for the distinct lack of corgis. I did emphasize the importance of the corgis, but you know what commoners are like.”
“Oh, what a lovely beagle!” the Queen said.
“Ma’am, if you like the beagle, there’s a German shepherd you absolutely must meet.”
The Queen began cooing at Aramis. “Goochie-goochie!”
“Lester! Here boy!”
“Ah, there you are. Come on, the Queen wants to meet you.”
Lester!Dog remained fixed to the spot, a growl emanating from his throat.
“I realize that Her Majesty has displayed a preference for smaller dogs, but I really think we could change all that, perhaps even persuade the Queen to make German shepherds the official royal dog instead of corgis.”
Lester!Dog barked loudly. Lester turned to see what all the commotion was about and gasped.
“Oh dear God!”
“Your Majesty, watch out!" Lester cried.
“GRAVITATE! GRAVITATE!”
There was a bright flash of light, and the Queen disappeared.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Reed screamed.
“Hey, it’s okay, Malcolm,” Tucker said. “Dalek Sek did the same thing to the Captain, remember? The big ol’ red Dalek has just teleported the Queen somewhere. She’ll turn up again…eventually.”
Reed dug his fingers into Tucker’s uniform. “We have to find her, Trip. Now.”
“But – ”
“NOW!”
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no subject
Date: 2013-09-24 08:22 pm (UTC)I love it! It's my favourite! I love the crown icons! Too pretty! You used the Queen! Heeeeeee! And the Union Flag! (See you taught me something.)
Okay, feedback on Part I!
Oh my god! The way Mayweather is looking at the flag! His expression is so...like what the fuck, dude? I know I've said this before, but I do not know how you get action figures to be so expressive!
THE FACT THAT ARCHER NEVER NOTICED THE FLAG!!! Seriously I do not have words for how perfect that is.
McKay squirmed uncomfortably. “That’s…not entirely true.” Yes, it is! It so is! You just know that McKay has had a to-do list since he was two and at the top of the list is: ESCAPE FROM CANADA!
Tell me the sculpture McKay and John made is of some abstract math concept!
Oh my god! The rotating gif! That is the best thing ever!
“The Queen! The Queen! The Queen! The Queen! TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!”
Poor Reed!
On to Part II, which is ever better!
no subject
Date: 2013-09-24 09:28 pm (UTC)Hey, Birthday Girl! :-D No worries. I thought things might be crazy at work, or you might be having computer problems, or you might be busy with family. I hadn't realized it would be all three. *g* Sorry you were forced to work on your birthday. Same goes for the stress that was involved in playing catch up. If I'd known all that, I would have encouraged you to hold off on the feedback. My main concern was that you see the fic (or, at least, know about it) on your special day. :-)
I love it! It's my favourite!
Really? I was actually going to apologize because I was thinking it didn't measure up to some of the others! *g* Well, I'm thrilled that you're happy with your story! :-D
I love the crown icons! Too pretty!
Ah, thanks! I'm glad you like them! :-) I probably shouldn't say it, but they literally took five minutes to make. They were the easiest part of the whole story. *g*
You used the Queen! Heeeeeee!
Well, as soon as you pointed out that the Queen could be used as an action figure, I knew she would be appearing in the next Action Figure story. *VBG*
And the Union Flag! (See you taught me something.)
I have to confess that I wasn't entirely sure about that and actually had to look it up. I mean, I knew that the "Union Jack" wasn't the official name of the flag, but I've always had trouble remembering "Union Flag" for some reason.
Oh my god! The way Mayweather is looking at the flag! His expression is so...like what the fuck, dude? I know I've said this before, but I do not know how you get action figures to be so expressive!
As the photographer/writer, I really shouldn't say this, but that's my favourite picture from the story. It turned out so much better than I had ever imagined, and I crack up whenever I Iook at it.
THE FACT THAT ARCHER NEVER NOTICED THE FLAG!!! Seriously I do not have words for how perfect that is.
I'm glad that amused you. It seemed so Archer somehow. *g*
McKay squirmed uncomfortably. “That’s…not entirely true.” Yes, it is! It so is! You just know that McKay has had a to-do list since he was two and at the top of the list is: ESCAPE FROM CANADA!
Oh, thank Herne! I was afraid that might offend you, but I just couldn't resist. And I think McKay probably did have that on the top of his to-do list by the age of two, so it's not as if it's really that big a stretch...or any stretch at all, really. *g*
Tell me the sculpture McKay and John made is of some abstract math concept!
Uh, sure! Yes, it's some abstract math concept. That's why I hadn't noticed the theme until you pointed it out. ;-)
Oh my god! The rotating gif! That is the best thing ever!
It didn't turn out as well as I would have liked. For one thing, the image quality went to hell for some reason. I was also hoping I could incorporate more crazy shots. However, it serves its purpose and you like it. That's what counts. :-)
“The Queen! The Queen! The Queen! The Queen! TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!TheQueen!”
Poor Reed!
Yeah, I should probably feel guilty about that, but Reed is a character that was made to be tortured. *g*
On to Part II, which is ever better!
Oh, awesome! I'm glad it didn't disappoint! :-D