Birthday Fic: The Walkabout (2/2)

[rusty_armour]

Title: The Walkabout (2/2)
Author: Rusty Armour
Summary: Disaster strikes during a Royal Walkabout on the bridge of the Enterprise.
Category: Action Figure fic first and foremost, but also gen with slight pre-slash overtones and at least one bad sexual joke. Crossover of Enterprise, Primeval, Doctor Who, Sherlock Holmes and Stargate Atlantis.
Rating: PG-13ish, I guess
Spoilers: Nothing too specific, I don’t think. Oh, there’s one spoiler for Sherlock Holmes canon with a reference to “The Final Problem”. There’s also a brief mention of an event from To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Gone Before.
Disclaimer: With a few exceptions, these characters aren’t mine. They’re owned by smarter, richer people. It’s totally not worth it to sue me. I’m just an editor.
Notes: This was written in honour of jackycomelately’s birthday. It’s become an annual tradition to torture her with an Action Figure fic. However, this year, she’s at least partly responsible for the insanity as she’s the one who picked out a birthday card for me with a detachable Queen on the front. She also provided the Union Flag, which came with her meal at The Friar.

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Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes was trying to deduce how long it would take rusty_armour to finish this story based on the length of her fingernails when a small metal dog with a cat on its back landed on the Shelockiana section. Earhart leapt off K-9’s back and stretched.

“Ah, how fortuitous,” Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes said. “I have been writing a monograph on feline language. Would you be amenable to a discourse on the subject? I feel I should warn you, sir. I have yet to master purring.”

Earhart yawned and flopped over on his side.

Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes sighed. “How disappointing.”





“Mr. Holmes, Mr. Holmes.” K-9 was rolling quickly towards Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes. “The feline is inconsequential. It is only here because I was unable to remove it from my back. Dr. McKay has informed me that the feline likes to sleep there because it is warm.”

“I see,” Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes said. “Pray continue. Why have you chosen to consult me?”

“Mr. Lester wishes to hire you to recover the Queen. She has been teleported somewhere by a large red Dalek.”

Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes tutted quietly to himself. “How unfortunate. I wish I could assist you, but I am afraid I cannot possibly accept this case.”

K-9 gave a startled beep. “Negative? Why is your response negative?”

Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes shuddered. “rusty_armour has threatened to wreak terrible acts of vengeance upon my person if I aid any of you in this matter.”

“What terrible acts of vengeance?” K-9 asked.

“Her first threat was feeble at best,” Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes said. “She told me that we would re-enact the incident at Reichenbach with this bookcase standing in for the falls. It was then I pointed out that I would sustain little if any damage from such a plunge as I am composed almost entirely of foam, felt and fabric. I thought this argument might steer her from her course, but she simply resorted to blackmail after that.” Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes raised a little gloved hand to his face. “If I refuse to comply with her wishes, I will be forced to participate in a ménage à trois with Sherlock Bear and Snoopy Sherlock – an event, I might add, which would be documented in dozens of photographs. My reputation would be ruined, my character irredeemably stained. The repercussions to my career – ”





“What’s taking so long?” Lester shouted from the floor. “I could have solved the case in the amount of time it’s taken you to discuss it!”





“You should have done just that, Mr. Lester, as I am unable to offer you my services. To do so would also mean offering my services to someone else.”





“To us! To us! He’d be offering his services to us!”

“Get off me!” Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes snarled.

“I’m sorry, Holmes, but you’re going to have to take one for the team,” Lester said. “The Queen is missing. Sacrifices must be made.”

“Then you must make those sacrifices, sir. I am retiring.” Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes withdrew from the edge of the bookcase, ignoring Lester’s furious cries.





“James.” Jenny had appeared at Lester’s shoulder. “You don’t need to hire a detective to resolve this situation.”

“No?”

“No. You just need to apologize to rusty_armour.”

Lester laughed. “Apologize? Me?”

“Yes!” Jenny said. “I think you’ll find that if you apologize, rusty_armour will set everything right again.”

Lester cleared his throat. “I…I’m not sure if I can.”

Jenny patted Lester’s shoulder. “I find saying ‘I’m sorry’ is usually a good place to start, but, considering that you were such an immense prat, I think a bit of extra insurance might be required.”











“Oi, rusty_armour, I’ve got chocolate!”

“Huh? What? WHERE?” rusty_armour rushed around her apartment until she found Lester standing on the kitchen table. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Where did you get that?”

“Your fridge,” Lester said.

rusty_armour studied the package more closely. “It’s already open.”

“Well, yes. You ate at least half of them last night.”

“I see.” rusty_armour placed her hands on her hips and glared at Lester. “So, this is a hostage exchange, is it? You’ll give me back my chocolate if I give back the Queen?”

Lester almost denied this wild assumption. The chocolate had only been meant to accompany his apology. It was bribery at best. However, if rusty_armour chose to interpret this act of kindness as a trade-off who was he to argue? “Yes, those are the terms. Your chocolate for the Queen.”

rusty_armour sighed and nodded reluctantly. “Very well. She was never in any danger. In fact, she’s on my bed visiting Reed.”

“WHAT?” Lester shouted.





rusty_armour rolled her eyes. “It’s not like that. I felt so guilty after Reed’s nervous collapse that I tucked him in my bed. I told the Queen she was opening a new hospital ward. I think she bought it.”

“And the big red Dalek?”

rusty_armour smiled smugly. “Part of the Doctor Who fiftieth anniversary celebrations, of course.”

“Hmm,” Lester said. “You’re surprisingly devious at times.”

rusty_armour grinned. “Thank you. Truce? I mean, this is for jackycomelately’s birthday after all.”

Lester tried not to grit his teeth. “Yes, I suppose. Fine. All right. A truce…for now.”











“That is the biggest load of shite I’ve ever seen,” Spike said. “I mean, it’s not as bad as some of her other stories, but still…”





Snape shook his head sharply. “No, no, I must contradict you. I’d say it was a brilliant piece of post-modernist humour that provides insight into – ”

“What the bloody hell are you on and where can I get some?” Spike asked. Snape elbowed him sharply and jerked his chin at something Spike had failed to notice.





“Oh…” Spike said.


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