Birthday Fic: The Walkabout (2/2)

[rusty_armour]

Title: The Walkabout (2/2)
Author: Rusty Armour
Summary: Disaster strikes during a Royal Walkabout on the bridge of the Enterprise.
Category: Action Figure fic first and foremost, but also gen with slight pre-slash overtones and at least one bad sexual joke. Crossover of Enterprise, Primeval, Doctor Who, Sherlock Holmes and Stargate Atlantis.
Rating: PG-13ish, I guess
Spoilers: Nothing too specific, I don’t think. Oh, there’s one spoiler for Sherlock Holmes canon with a reference to “The Final Problem”. There’s also a brief mention of an event from To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Gone Before.
Disclaimer: With a few exceptions, these characters aren’t mine. They’re owned by smarter, richer people. It’s totally not worth it to sue me. I’m just an editor.
Notes: This was written in honour of jackycomelately’s birthday. It’s become an annual tradition to torture her with an Action Figure fic. However, this year, she’s at least partly responsible for the insanity as she’s the one who picked out a birthday card for me with a detachable Queen on the front. She also provided the Union Flag, which came with her meal at The Friar.

---

Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes was trying to deduce how long it would take rusty_armour to finish this story based on the length of her fingernails when a small metal dog with a cat on its back landed on the Shelockiana section. Earhart leapt off K-9’s back and stretched.

“Ah, how fortuitous,” Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes said. “I have been writing a monograph on feline language. Would you be amenable to a discourse on the subject? I feel I should warn you, sir. I have yet to master purring.”

Earhart yawned and flopped over on his side.

Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes sighed. “How disappointing.”





“Mr. Holmes, Mr. Holmes.” K-9 was rolling quickly towards Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes. “The feline is inconsequential. It is only here because I was unable to remove it from my back. Dr. McKay has informed me that the feline likes to sleep there because it is warm.”

“I see,” Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes said. “Pray continue. Why have you chosen to consult me?”

“Mr. Lester wishes to hire you to recover the Queen. She has been teleported somewhere by a large red Dalek.”

Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes tutted quietly to himself. “How unfortunate. I wish I could assist you, but I am afraid I cannot possibly accept this case.”

K-9 gave a startled beep. “Negative? Why is your response negative?”

Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes shuddered. “rusty_armour has threatened to wreak terrible acts of vengeance upon my person if I aid any of you in this matter.”

“What terrible acts of vengeance?” K-9 asked.

“Her first threat was feeble at best,” Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes said. “She told me that we would re-enact the incident at Reichenbach with this bookcase standing in for the falls. It was then I pointed out that I would sustain little if any damage from such a plunge as I am composed almost entirely of foam, felt and fabric. I thought this argument might steer her from her course, but she simply resorted to blackmail after that.” Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes raised a little gloved hand to his face. “If I refuse to comply with her wishes, I will be forced to participate in a ménage à trois with Sherlock Bear and Snoopy Sherlock – an event, I might add, which would be documented in dozens of photographs. My reputation would be ruined, my character irredeemably stained. The repercussions to my career – ”





“What’s taking so long?” Lester shouted from the floor. “I could have solved the case in the amount of time it’s taken you to discuss it!”





“You should have done just that, Mr. Lester, as I am unable to offer you my services. To do so would also mean offering my services to someone else.”





“To us! To us! He’d be offering his services to us!”

“Get off me!” Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes snarled.

“I’m sorry, Holmes, but you’re going to have to take one for the team,” Lester said. “The Queen is missing. Sacrifices must be made.”

“Then you must make those sacrifices, sir. I am retiring.” Giant radioactive Sherlock Holmes withdrew from the edge of the bookcase, ignoring Lester’s furious cries.





“James.” Jenny had appeared at Lester’s shoulder. “You don’t need to hire a detective to resolve this situation.”

“No?”

“No. You just need to apologize to rusty_armour.”

Lester laughed. “Apologize? Me?”

“Yes!” Jenny said. “I think you’ll find that if you apologize, rusty_armour will set everything right again.”

Lester cleared his throat. “I…I’m not sure if I can.”

Jenny patted Lester’s shoulder. “I find saying ‘I’m sorry’ is usually a good place to start, but, considering that you were such an immense prat, I think a bit of extra insurance might be required.”











“Oi, rusty_armour, I’ve got chocolate!”

“Huh? What? WHERE?” rusty_armour rushed around her apartment until she found Lester standing on the kitchen table. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Where did you get that?”

“Your fridge,” Lester said.

rusty_armour studied the package more closely. “It’s already open.”

“Well, yes. You ate at least half of them last night.”

“I see.” rusty_armour placed her hands on her hips and glared at Lester. “So, this is a hostage exchange, is it? You’ll give me back my chocolate if I give back the Queen?”

Lester almost denied this wild assumption. The chocolate had only been meant to accompany his apology. It was bribery at best. However, if rusty_armour chose to interpret this act of kindness as a trade-off who was he to argue? “Yes, those are the terms. Your chocolate for the Queen.”

rusty_armour sighed and nodded reluctantly. “Very well. She was never in any danger. In fact, she’s on my bed visiting Reed.”

“WHAT?” Lester shouted.





rusty_armour rolled her eyes. “It’s not like that. I felt so guilty after Reed’s nervous collapse that I tucked him in my bed. I told the Queen she was opening a new hospital ward. I think she bought it.”

“And the big red Dalek?”

rusty_armour smiled smugly. “Part of the Doctor Who fiftieth anniversary celebrations, of course.”

“Hmm,” Lester said. “You’re surprisingly devious at times.”

rusty_armour grinned. “Thank you. Truce? I mean, this is for jackycomelately’s birthday after all.”

Lester tried not to grit his teeth. “Yes, I suppose. Fine. All right. A truce…for now.”











“That is the biggest load of shite I’ve ever seen,” Spike said. “I mean, it’s not as bad as some of her other stories, but still…”





Snape shook his head sharply. “No, no, I must contradict you. I’d say it was a brilliant piece of post-modernist humour that provides insight into – ”

“What the bloody hell are you on and where can I get some?” Spike asked. Snape elbowed him sharply and jerked his chin at something Spike had failed to notice.





“Oh…” Spike said.


Previous Part

Comments

[karen9.livejournal.com]

jackycomelately is so lucky! Two of your infamous action figure stories! I love them.

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Thanks, karen9. I'm happy you enjoyed the story. :-)

[jackycomelately.livejournal.com]

I am very very lucky!

Me too!

[jackycomelately.livejournal.com]

Feedback on Part II—the hilarity continues!

"It was then I pointed out that I would sustain little if any damage from such a plunge as I am composed almost entirely of foam, felt and fabric."

I bow before your ability to alliterate! That is brilliant!

rusty_armour rolled her eyes. “It’s not like that. I felt so guilty after Reed’s nervous collapse that I tucked him in my bed. I told the Queen she was opening a new hospital ward. I think she bought it.”

I howled!

“If I refuse to comply with her wishes, I will be forced to participate in a ménage à trois with Sherlock Bear and Snoopy Sherlock – an event, I might add, which would be documented in dozens of photographs. My reputation would be ruined, my character irredeemably stained. The repercussions to my career – ”

You remembered my love of noncon! My kinky heart thanks you!

Oh my god the photograph! How long did it take you to pose all three of them like that?

“Huh? What? WHERE?” rusty_armour rushed around her apartment until she found Lester standing on the kitchen table. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Where did you get that?”

I love this paragraph! Answering the call of chocolate!

Reed is still clutching the flag even in bed! Too too funny!

Hello Spike! Nice to see you even if you have terrible tastes in judging stories! Of course we've heard his poetry. It would probably be a bad thing if he like it!

Snape shook his head sharply. “No, no, I must contradict you. I’d say it was a brilliant piece of post-modernist humour that provides insight into – ”

I'd say that clearly Snape has the best survival instincts, but canon suggests otherwise :( :( :( Okay, now I've made myself sad.

Psycho rusty_armour!!! That's a damn impressive looking bread knife! Whole wheat loaves quiver in their pans! Come to think of it, it probably would be pretty effective against the plushies!

In short, I loved it! Apologies for the long delay responding to both parts. I had fully intended to do the second part last night, but I basically collapsed in a pile of exhausted nerves. I was Reed without the Queen and a flag!

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

My comment is so long, I have to post it in two parts!

"It was then I pointed out that I would sustain little if any damage from such a plunge as I am composed almost entirely of foam, felt and fabric."

I bow before your ability to alliterate! That is brilliant!

Thank you kindly! I was on a bit of a roll with GRSH in that scene! :-D

rusty_armour rolled her eyes. “It’s not like that. I felt so guilty after Reed’s nervous collapse that I tucked him in my bed. I told the Queen she was opening a new hospital ward. I think she bought it.”

I howled!

Oh, good! I wasn't sure if it would get a laugh or not, so I'm glad you found it funny. :-D

“If I refuse to comply with her wishes, I will be forced to participate in a ménage à trois with Sherlock Bear and Snoopy Sherlock – an event, I might add, which would be documented in dozens of photographs. My reputation would be ruined, my character irredeemably stained. The repercussions to my career – ”

You remembered my love of noncon! My kinky heart thanks you!

LOL! Well, my kinky heart must have been right there with you as I didn't put up much of a fight when the Threesome Muse reared her kinky head... *g*

Oh my god the photograph! How long did it take you to pose all three of them like that?

It didn't take that long, actually. The challenge was finding the best angle from which to snap a photo. I think I must have taken at least four or five stabs at it.

“Huh? What? WHERE?” rusty_armour rushed around her apartment until she found Lester standing on the kitchen table. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Where did you get that?”

I love this paragraph! Answering the call of chocolate!

Sadly, it required very little in the way of inspiration or imagination as it was all very true to life. *g*

Reed is still clutching the flag even in bed! Too too funny!

I was hoping you'd notice that. I knew the picture would be funnier if poor Reed was still clutching the flag. :-)

Hello Spike! Nice to see you even if you have terrible tastes in judging stories! Of course we've heard his poetry. It would probably be a bad thing if he like it!

Well, someone had to play bad cop reviewer...though, actually, both Spike and Snape usually take on that role. *g* I won't comment on whether Spike's opinion was warranted or not, though I have to agree with you about his poetry. ;-)

Snape shook his head sharply. “No, no, I must contradict you. I’d say it was a brilliant piece of post-modernist humour that provides insight into – ”

I'd say that clearly Snape has the best survival instincts, but canon suggests otherwise :( :( :( Okay, now I've made myself sad.

Well, in canon, the poor guy never really had much choice. However, he lives on in a way as Harry Potter named his second son Albus Severus. Of course, in fic, lots of writers have resurrected him. :-) Thank Herne for fic. I'm getting sick of losing my favourite characters in canon.

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Psycho rusty_armour!!! That's a damn impressive looking bread knife! Whole wheat loaves quiver in their pans!

Imagine how much worse it would have been if I'd had PMS... *g* You weren't the only one who was impressed by that knife. pyrateanny also commented on it in an email. If it makes you feel any better, it's a knife I almost never use as I seem to do a good enough job bashing myself up without overly sharp implements. ;-)

Come to think of it, it probably would be pretty effective against the plushies!

Oh, I could never do that! Okay, I threatened two action figures with the knife, but that was for the sake of fic. Honest.

In short, I loved it!

I'm so happy to hear that! I'm glad it didn't disappoint! :-D

Apologies for the long delay responding to both parts. I had fully intended to do the second part last night, but I basically collapsed in a pile of exhausted nerves. I was Reed without the Queen and a flag!

Please don't worry about it. There wasn't any rush for comments (especially as you always provide such generous comments). This is supposed to be fun, so I'd rather hear from you when you aren't stressed and exhausted. Never worry about putting off something like this when you're in a bad place. Your mental and physical health should always be top of the list. :-)

And I'm sorry that last night you were Reed without the Queen and a flag. :-( I hope tonight will be better. Take care of yourself, okay? :-)