Fic: The Cardboard Maneuver

[rusty_armour]

Title: The Cardboard Maneuver
Author: Rusty Armour
Summary: The crew of the Enterprise is in for a shocking revelation after Tucker, Reed and Mayweather make a startling discovery during an away mission.
Category: Action Figure Fic – Enterprise style. Yes, I know. I’m one of only five people who actually likes the show.
Rating: PG-13ish with one rather overt and slashy sexual joke.
Word Count: 1,784
Spoilers: A very slight spoiler for “Shuttlepod One” and maybe Enterprise in general.
Disclaimer: With a few exceptions, these characters aren’t mine. They’re owned by smarter, richer people. It’s totally not worth it to sue me. I’m just an editor...and an occasional fanfic writer.

Notes: Unfortunately for you, dear reader(s), this is my annual Action Figure birthday fic offering for jackycomelately. I’m sorry it’s just the one fandom (though, hey, Star Trek for the 50th anniversary, eh?) – and not as flashy as some of the previous stories. Time just wasn’t my friend this year. Also, my digital camera is still packed in one of the boxes at my parents’ place, so I had to use my tablet to take pictures. It, uh, didn’t quite measure up, which is why there are fewer pics than usual. And I’m really giving you all kinds of incentives to read this, aren’t I? *g* jackycomelately, I hope you get a kick out of this story, despite its flaws. Best wishes and many happy returns! :-D

---

“Report,” Archer said.

Tucker squirmed uncomfortably. “It’s worse than we imagined, Captain. Much worse.”

Archer leaned forward in his chair. “Define ‘much worse’.”

Tucker’s eyes shifted to T’Pol, who was sitting at her station and watching their exchange with undisguised curiosity. “I…I think this is something you really need to see for yourself, sir.”

Archer raised his eyebrows. “That bad, is it? Very well. T’Pol, you have the bridge.” He stood and followed Tucker to the transporter room [or the edge of the filing cabinet where Giant Hand was waiting]. “Where are Malcolm and Travis? At the site?”

“Aye, Captain,” Tucker said. “Malcolm insisted on securing it, though I don’t see what good it will do.”

Archer didn’t like Tucker’s morose tone. “Is it really that bad, Trip?”

Tucker nodded reluctantly. “Sir, the whole apartment seems to be disintegrating.”


* * * *

---

Archer turned to Tucker in surprise when, from his perch in the palm of Giant Hand, he spotted Reed and Mayweather standing on a window sill. “This is what you guys wanted to show me? A window?”

“It’s not the window itself, sir,” Tucker said. “It’s what’s outside the window.”

Giant Hand set Archer and Tucker down on the window sill and then hovered nearby, trying to stay out of shot.





Ooops.

“Oh, Captain!” Mayweather cried as soon as he saw Archer. “It’s horrible!”

Archer clasped Mayweather’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Travis. Whatever it is, I’m sure we can handle it.”

Reed cleared his throat, looking even more nervous and twitchy than usual. “I think you’d better look outside the window, Captain.”

Archer frowned. “I can see out the window just fine, Malcolm.”

“No, really look, sir.”





Archer shrugged. “Okay, if you insist.” He pressed closer to the glass and his frown deepened. “Umm…didn’t the ground used to be a lot further away?”

“You mean, like, seven floors below us?” Tucker asked. “Yes, sir, it was.”





“And the other building – the sister building – used to be further away too, didn’t it?”

“Yes, sir,” Mayweather said. “There used to be a whole courtyard and parking lot between the two buildings, but now there’s just this narrow alley. It’s as if everything has vanished.”

“It’s worse than that,” Reed muttered. “The other building has changed colour. It used to be grey.”

Tucker shook his head. “That’s what you’re worried about. That’s nothing compared to what’s happened in this apartment!”

Archer whirled around. “What do you mean, Trip?”

Tucker laughed shakily. “We haven’t been able to find the balcony, Captain. It’s gone.”

Archer’s jaw dropped. “But isn’t that where we kept the brig?”

“Last year’s James Bond super villain set as well, sir,” Mayweather said.





“My God!” Archer shouted. “This is terrible! I-I can’t believe this is happening! The apartment is sinking into the ground, parts of it disappearing altogether, and there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it!” Archer grabbed Tucker by the shoulders, his fingers digging into the plastic. “There’s nothing we can do, right? I mean, you’re the chief engineer. You would tell me if there was something – anything – we could do.”

Tucker sighed and bowed his head. “I think we’re already too late, Captain.”

Archer opened his mouth to wail, but Reed beat him to it. “I knew I should have created a new will! It’s been months since I last wrote one!”

Archer closed his eyes and mentally counted to ten. “Malcolm, we’ve talked about this. You really need to make an effort to be a little less pessimistic.”

“But, sir, rusty_armour’s flat is collapsing in on itself! Who knows what could go next! The whole bloody ship might evaporate!”

Archer’s eyes widened and he grabbed Reed by the front of his uniform. “The ship? My ship?”

Reed gulped then nodded.

“We have to get back to Enterprise,” Archer said. “We’ll chart a course to another sector of…Toronto – somewhere more stable, less sinky.”

Tucker grimaced. “Uh…Captain, the only part of the ship we have is the bridge and that’s plastic. That’s kinda why we’ve been stuck in Toronto all these years.”

Archer glared at Tucker. “You know, I’m getting pretty sick of you telling me what we can’t do. How about you try telling me what we can do?”

“Panic? Repent our sins? Loot the apartment?”

“Giant Hand!” Archer shouted, a note of desperation in his voice.





Giant Hand instantly appeared. “Yeah, boss?”

“We need to beam back to Enterprise right away.”

“Oh, okay. Would you like me to transport you one or two at a time? Should I beam you out first?”

“You can beam us all at the same time,” Archer said.

Giant Hand trembled. “But I’m small and my fingers are short and stubby, Captain.”

Archer crossed his arms and stared Giant Hand down. “I didn’t go into…Toronto to play it safe. I knew there would be an element of danger.”

“I might drop one of you,” Giant Hand said.

Archer nodded gravely. “We understand the risks.”

“Oh, God,” Mayweather moaned. “I’m the black action figure. Giant Hand will probably drop me.”

Tucker leaned towards Mayweather and whispered in his ear. “Throw your arms around me, Travis. If Giant Hand drops you then we’ll both go together.”

“Oh, no, Commander, I can’t ask you to do that.”

Tucker waved away Mayweather’s protests with a quick flick of his plastic wrist. “It looks like we’re all going to die anyway. I figure this will be faster.” He grinned and embraced Mayweather just as Giant Hand scooped them up.





“Oh, Commander Tucker, I’m, uh, pleased to see you too,” Mayweather gasped as he was squeezed against Tucker.

“Hell, Travis, I’m usually pleased to see you,” Tucker said. “It’s just that my uniform hides it most of the time.”


* * * *





T’Pol raised an eyebrow in surprise as Archer, Tucker, Reed and Mayweather were unceremoniously dumped on the bridge.

“What has happened?” T’Pol asked. “Captain, is everything well?”

Archer winced and pulled himself off the ground. “No, everything is not well, Sub-Commander. We need to plot a course out of here and fast.”

T’Pol’s brow creased. “But, sir, that would be impossible. The ship is–”

“Yes, I know. It’s made out of plastic and unicorns and rainbows, but we need to get it moving all the same.”





T’Pol just managed to slide gracefully out of the chair before Archer practically fell into it.

“What is the matter, sir? Is it the Dalek again? The Masters?”

Archer shook his head frantically. “No, no, it’s much worse. It’s the apartment. It’s falling apart.”

T’Pol frowned in confusion. “Falling apart?”

“It’s sinking into the ground, T’Pol. In fact, we’re underground now. The space between the buildings has also dramatically decreased. Who knows how long it will be before they both collide. Oh, and the worst thing of all is that we’ve lost the balcony – and our brig along with it!”

T’Pol’s lips twitched and there was a tiny squeak that emanated from her throat as if she had just smothered a laugh. Of course, that was impossible because she was a Vulcan. All the same, she was forced to turn away from Archer for several seconds as she attempted to rein in her emotions. “Captain, I fear you may be labouring under several false assumptions, the first one being that we are still in rusty_armour’s Yonge and Eglinton apartment.”

“Well, of course we are,” Archer snapped. “Where the hell else would we be?”

“Captain, rusty_armour has moved to a new apartment in a new building,” T’Pol said. “It is a basement apartment, which is why we are underground and there is no balcony.”

“You knew all this and you didn’t tell us?” Tucker shouted.

“I apologize, Commander, but I had assumed it was obvious.”

Tucker rolled his eyes. “Well, it obviously wasn’t obvious to us!”

“Sub-Commander, did you really know all along?” Mayweather asked, looking incredibly sheepish.

“Well, I admit that I did consult with Giant Radioactive Sherlock Holmes to confirm my theory,” T’Pol said. “There was also the prophecy that Herne Bear made several months ago about the great journey we would all embark upon.”

Reed blushed. “Oh! I thought the ‘great journey’ was death. That’s why I wrote the latest version of my will.”

“Well, Herne Bear does tend to speak in riddles, so I cannot entirely blame you for subscribing to a metaphorical interpretation when a more literal one would have sufficed.”

Tucker smiled and shook his head. “I should have known that rusty_armour was planning to move at least a year ago based on all the hissy fits alone. She kept ranting about moving.”

“Oh,” Mayweather said. “I thought she just had anger issues. I didn’t realize she was serious.”

“Well, yeah, she does have anger issues, but she was serious about moving too.”

Archer sighed and slouched further down in his chair. “I really don’t care why she moved. All I know is that we’re down one brig because we don’t have the balcony anymore.”

“Captain, I am sure we could find a substitute for our previous brig,” T’Pol said.

Archer scowled. “Oh, yeah? Like what?”

T’Pol glanced towards the bathroom. “I think the shower stall in the head would function as a satisfactory brig. Might I suggest that you inspect it for yourself to ascertain whether it will meet our requirements?”

Archer was already jumping out of his chair. “Great idea, T’Pol!”

“Shouldn’t I go with you, sir?” Reed asked. “I am head of security after all.”

Archer was waving down Giant Hand. “No, no, it’s fine, Malcolm. I know you have that will to write. I’m sure this is something I can take care of on my own.”

After Archer had been deposited on the bathroom floor, he stared up at the tall glass and metal structure in wonder. “This is the best brig I’ve ever seen. No one could break out of here.”

“Would you care to test it, Captain?” Giant Hand was hovering near the door handle just waiting to open the door. Archer nodded excitedly and Giant Hand let him into the shower stall. As soon as Archer was inside, Giant Hand closed the door again.





“Gee, this new brig is really secure. Malcolm’s going to be overjoyed.” Archer pressed up against the glass and tried to see Giant Hand. “Okay, you can let me out now.”

“No can do, Jonny boy,” Giant Hand said. “Sub-Commander T’Pol insisted that you spend at least a few hours in there in order to conduct a proper inspection. She said she’d let me know when it was time to release you. Byeeee!”

Archer gave a half-hearted wave. “Byeeee.” He hopped off the ledge and sat down. He had to hand it to T’Pol. She really did think of everything.