Fic: To Boldy Go Where No Action Figure Has Quite Gone Before (2/3)

[rusty_armour]

Title: To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Quite Gone Before (2/3)
Author: Rusty Armour
Pairing: McShep, Sheppard/Spike, Archer/Reed
Summary: Stepping through the Stargate can sometimes lead to some pretty unexpected places!
Category: Slash, Crossover, Action Figures
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Sanctuary, Epiphany, The Tower, Michael, Miller's Crossing, The Kindred (for SGA) and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (for Harry Potter)
Disclaimer: Thou Shalt Not Steal. Even in the interest of fic. Most of these characters aren't mine. I, uh, borrowed them. Yeah.
Author's Notes: I originally meant to post some pictures of my action figures for fun, but then it kind of blossomed into this very surreal fic. While this obviously doesn't measure up to pollitt's and maverick4oz's Action Figure Theatre, I hope it will still give people a laugh.

---

Last time on To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Quite Gone Before, Sheppard found himself in a rather sticky situation. No, not that kind of sticky situation. A sticky situation involving a Dalek.





"Exterminate! Exterminate!" the Dalek shrieked.

It was about to raise its weapon to fire when a voice cried, "Stupefy!" The Dalek froze and toppled over on its side.





Sheppard gaped openly as two men in black walked calmly into Reed's makeshift brig. The one man, with his bleached blond hair and leather jacket, resembled Billy Idol, while the other man, with his longish raven hair and archaic black clothes, looked like a hard core Goth. This second man was older and carrying what appeared to be a wand. When he caught Sheppard staring at it, he quickly tucked it away.





Reed, meanwhile, had stumbled to his feet and was pointing his phase pistol at the two men in black. "Oi! You two can't be in here. The brig is for authorized personnel only."





The Goth sighed and reached for his wand. Reed's finger twitched near the trigger of his phase pistol, but, then, Billy Idol was standing in front of Reed, having pounced so fast that Sheppard had barely seen him move. Reed glared at Billy Idol, then winced when Billy Idol seized his wrist.





Reed's foot lashed out and he managed to kick Billy Idol's legs out from under him. He lifted his phase pistol again, but the Goth was ready for him. He flicked his wand at Reed and shouted, "Expelliarmus!" Then, once the phase pistol had been knocked from Reed's hand, the Goth waved his wand again, saying, "Stupefy!"





Reed collapsed in a heap beside the Dalek.

Sheppard stared at Reed's prone body with wide eyes. "Oh, wow. Thanks for the rescue. I really appreciate--"





The Goth raised his wand, and Sheppard slumped against the wall.


^ ^ ^


When Sheppard woke, he found himself on a huge gold mattress.





He blinked in confusion for a moment before his head swivelled sharply to his left. Billy Idol was lying beside him.





"Uh, hi," Sheppard said. "What the hell's going on?"

Billy Idol smiled. "Yeah, sorry about the whole 'stupefy' thing. Severus was hungry."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "Does Severus always stupefy people when he's hungry?"

"Pretty much," Billy Idol said. "It means less physical contact when he feeds."

"Feeds…?" Sheppard's hand went to his holster before he remembered that Reed had stripped him of all his weapons.

"Relax, mate," Billy Idol said, "I told him that we aren't allowed to eat the people we rescue -- not without their permission, anyway."

"Uh huh." Sheppard tried to inch away from Billy Idol, but then Billy Idol wrapped a hand around his bicep. Sheppard tried to break free, but Billy Idol seemed to possess superhuman strength as well as speed. "What are you?" Sheppard asked. "I mean, you obviously aren't a Wraith, but you're not exactly human either, are you?"





"I'm a vampire," Billy Idol said.

Sheppard swallowed nervously. "As in blood-sucking Dracula kind of vampire?"

Billy Idol grimaced. "Yeah, close enough." He released Sheppard's arm, and Sheppard raised himself up on one elbow.





"So you're not going to stick your hand on my chest and drain my life away?" Sheppard asked.

Billy Idol stared at Sheppard quizzically. "Why would I go to the trouble of rescuing you if I was just planning to kill you? Seems like a big waste of time to me."

Now Sheppard was really confused. "Why did you rescue me? I mean, aren't vampires supposed to be bad?"

Billy Idol rolled his eyes. "You're not a big fan of Anne Rice or Tanya Huff, I take it. I was sure with that hair, you would be." He snorted in amusement at his own joke before growing serious again. "The reason I'm not evil is because I've got a soul. However, unlike Angel Investigations, I rescue people outside of L.A. Spike Unlimited not only serves clients worldwide but intergalactically as well."

"Oh, I see," Sheppard said, though he really, really didn't.

"Of course, unlike Angel Investigations, we only rescue really cool people," Billy Idol said.

Sheppard couldn't help puffing up a little. "You think I'm cool?"

"I'm sorry but have you looked in a mirror lately?" Billy Idol asked. "Have you seen your face? Your hair?"

"Well…" Sheppard said.

"Plus you had a seriously bad ass robot trying to 'exterminate' you," Billy Idol added. "How could you not be cool?" He ran a finger down Sheppard's sleeve, and Sheppard was torn between feeling uncomfortable and incredibly turned on.

"So what's your friend's story?" Sheppard asked. "Does he have a soul too?"

"No, we're still working on that," Billy Idol said, "though I'm not sure if it's going to make much difference. From what I can tell, he's basically the same as before I vamped him."

Sheppard's eyes widened. "You vamped him?"





Billy Idol scowled. "Oh, don't go all holier-than-thou on me, mate," he said. "Severus would have died if I hadn't stepped in. As a matter of fact, he was dead. He was killed by a gigantic snake. Luckily, I got to him in time with this little resurrection spell I picked up in Tibet. Well, that and I let him drink my blood after I fed from him."

Sheppard blinked at Billy Idol. "So Severus was killed by a giant snake, but it's okay because you used some Tibetan resurrection spell on him and let him drink your blood."

"Well, when you put it like that, you make it seem so sordid," Billy Idol said.

Sheppard stared at Billy Idol for an instant then shook his head. "You said he hasn't really changed much. Does that mean Severus was evil before or…?"

"He kinda fell somewhere in the grey area," Billy Idol said. "Now, instead of tormenting brats in the classroom, he feeds on them. Oh, and writes sonnets about some bird name Lily."

"You let him eat children?" Sheppard cried.

"He doesn't eat them," Billy Idol said. "He just nibbles on them a bit. And, then, it's only kids that aren't Muggles. Sev doesn't drink from Muggles unless he's desperate."

"Muggles?" Sheppard asked. Then he raised his hand before Billy Idol could answer. "Never mind. I don't want to know."

Billy Idol shrugged. "Suit yourself."

Sheppard studied the vampire curiously for a moment. "Who do you like to feed on? Were you planning to feed on me?"

Billy Idol grinned. "No, I was planning to seduce you and then feed on you."

"S-seduce me?" Sheppard said.

"Uh huh." Billy Idol placed his hand on Sheppard's arm again and looked deeply into his eyes. "I deserve some kind of reward after rescuing you, don't you think?"

"Uh…" Sheppard said.

Billy Idol sprang on top of Sheppard, pinning him to the mattress.





"I have over a century of sexual experience, so I can definitely make it worth your while, baby."

"Well, what a surprise," an all-too-familiar voice said. "Kirk's at it again."





Sheppard sat up in alarm, knocking Billy Idol off him and on to the mattress.

"Rodney? Is that you?"

Dr. Rodney McKay stepped into view. "Well, I'm sure as hell not the cavalry, Sheppard."







To be continued…



Nah, just kidding. You can find the rest of the saga here, folks:


Part Three

Comments

[ophidiae.livejournal.com]

*giggles maniacally.*

Alas, I don't have quite the action figure collection I used to. OTOH, given what I do to my Sims, this is probably a GOOD thing. ;)

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow! I wasn't expecting anyone to read this so quickly! I've actually been going through and trying to iron out all the kinks! *g* Well, I'm glad you found it funny. It doesn't compare to your Sims 2 Theatre (http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=ophidiae&keyword=SGA%20Sims2%20Theatre&filter=all), but I'm hoping people will find it amusing. It was certainly fun to put together. :-)

[inkscribe.livejournal.com]

The one man, with his bleached blond hair and leather jacket, resembled Billy Idol, while the other man, with his longish raven hair and archaic black clothes, looked like a hard core Goth.

OMG ... Billy Idol! And he turned Severus! *hugs punk-rock Spike and giggles madly*

Truly fab. *off to read pt 3*

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed seeing Billy Idol (Spike) and Severus. They're actually my oldest action figures, so I wanted to get them into the action. Unfortunately, as J.K. Rowling went and killed off Snape, I had to find some way to bring him back, which is where the Tibetan resurrection spell and vamping came into it. *g* Anywaaaaay, I'm happy this has given you a laugh. :-)

[pyrateanny.livejournal.com]

>>>as J.K. Rowling went and killed off Snape<<<

Rusty, that's hilarious! -- After all this time, you've actually managed to be the first person to reveal that spoiler to me. (Don't worry, I'm not devastated. *g*)

Last summer when the book came out, I spent most of my time with my fingers in my ears, worried that my cottage neighbours' hyper foster kid (who was obsessed with HP) would reveal who died before I got a chance to read the book.

But, I've been so busy reading 'Pirate Porn', making vids, and gambling on eBay lately, that I never did get around to reading the final HP. [I actually kinda forgot about it.] Maybe this summer I'll finally get to it. (And by then, I'll probably have forgotten this 'spoiler', given my short attention span.)

In fact, it's been so long since I read the previous book, I think I'll have to read a Wikipedia synopsis to jog my memory as to where things left off.

And you know my memory's weak -- I've seen all of Season 6 & 7 of Buffy, but didn't remember the Billy Idol quip at all!

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

>>>as J.K. Rowling went and killed off Snape<<<

Rusty, that's hilarious! -- After all this time, you've actually managed to be the first person to reveal that spoiler to me. (Don't worry, I'm not devastated. *g*)

Well, I did provide a Deathly Hallows spoiler warning in the headnote and Snape's death was mentioned in the fic. Plus, I sort of assumed that you'd read the book already...Sorry about providing that spoiler when you'd worked so hard not to be spoiled. If it makes you feel any better, there are still a lot more deaths in the book that you don't know about yet. *g*

And you know my memory's weak -- I've seen all of Season 6 & 7 of Buffy, but didn't remember the Billy Idol quip at all!

It wasn't a major plot point -- just a quick humourous exchange. I'm not surprised that you've forgotten it. I'm not sure why I remembered it myself.

[pyrateanny.livejournal.com]

>>>Well, I did provide a Deathly Hallows spoiler warning in the headnote<<<

Oh... note to self: Remember to read the headers before getting distracted by the pretty pictures. LOL!

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Well, I can see why you skipped the header. I mean, you had already read the first part and I did send you the links for the remaining parts. Ergo, you didn't really have a reason to read the headnote. And, hey, in this case, it's great that you were distracted by the pretty pictures. :-)

[inkscribe.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing* While I haven't been avoiding spoilers I haven't actually read the final book yet. No worries though -- I'm not a spoilerphobe.

I haven't read the series in ages so at this point am not entirely sure what's canon and what's insane!epic!HP fic ... there were a handful of these that I found and enjoyed back in the day.

You totally need to do a sort-of-followup to this where Severus hums the tune to Rebel Yell whenever Spike glides into the room. Just because Severus is evil that way. ;-)

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing* While I haven't been avoiding spoilers I haven't actually read the final book yet. No worries though -- I'm not a spoilerphobe.

Aaaarrrgggghhh! I just assumed that everyone had read the final book...or, at least, that's how it seemed last year. *g* Sorry if you were spoiled. However, as I said to pyrateanny, there are still lots of deaths you don't know about. *g*

I haven't read the series in ages so at this point am not entirely sure what's canon and what's insane!epic!HP fic ... there were a handful of these that I found and enjoyed back in the day.

I hear ya. I sometimes get confused about what's canon and what's fic too! *g*

You totally need to do a sort-of-followup to this where Severus hums the tune to Rebel Yell whenever Spike glides into the room. Just because Severus is evil that way. ;-)

LOL! Well, I'll certainly consider it!

[pyrateanny.livejournal.com]

Yay! Shep/Spike slash! (aka: The battle of The Hair.)

And I never thought about it before, but OF COURSE Spike looks like Billy Idol! [Insert gratuitous Gen X vid here:]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=7HTI76H0Ojc


And the plastic Shep figure has the perfect "Kirky" grin.

Now to find out how Shep explains all this to McKay in Part 3!

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Yes, I managed to work in some Shep/Spike (aka: The Battle of the Hair)! As much as I would love to take credit for it, the Billy Idol comparison is something that actually came up in Buffy itself. I can't remember which episode (I believe it was the sixth or seventh season), but Buffy tells someone that Spike didn't copy Billy Idol's style: it was the other way round. *g* In any case, I'm looking forward to checking out that Billy Idol vid.

It's actually kind of spooky how "Kirky" the Shep action figure's grin is. I mean, he's constantly smirking! *g* Hope you enjoy Shep digging himself out of that giant hole in Part 3!

[canadian-jay.livejournal.com]

HEEEEEEEEE OMG ITS SEVERUS *gloms on tightly and doesn't let go* VAMPIRE!SEVERUS. AND SPIKE! EEEEE SPIKE.

*toddles off to the next part*

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Yay! A Snape fan! :-D Yes, I had to throw in Vampire!Severus as I was bummed out after he was killed off in Deathly Hollows. Ironicially, I'm on a Snape kick right now. I've been visiting snarryficfind a lot lately in search of Harry/Snape fic. Oh, and, of course, it's great that you were also excited about Spike! He was a lot of fun to write!

[canadian-jay.livejournal.com]

Certainly a unique kind of fix-it! And are you really? Awesome. You wouldn't know where to find some good Snape/Sirius (or Remus, or James, or, heck, anyone except those of Harry's age, xP)? Spike is always deserving of some squealing!

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Just so you know, I usually only read Snarry fic involving Harry as an adult. *g* And I do like other fic pairings. It's just that snarryficfind has a really good tags system. Anywaaaaay, I'm blanking on fic recs at the moment. However, I found a Harry Potter fic recs community with just about every pairing imaginable. It's called crack_broom and this is its tags page (http://community.livejournal.com/crack_broom/tag/). You could also try Archive of Our Own (http://archiveofourown.org). What I usually do is find the fandom I'm interested in and then scroll down until I find the character and/or pairing I want. Then I click on the link for that character and/or pairing. I know it's not the same as recs, but a lot of good writers post on Archive of Our Own (http://archiveofourown.org) and there are over 5,000 stories in the Harry Potter section (http://archiveofourown.org/tags/Harry%20Potter%20-%20Rowling/works).

Oh, oh, oh! I just remembered a Snape/Lupin story I really like! You may have come across it already, but it's called For Life (http://remembrall.slashcity.net/viewstory.php?sid=155&chapter=1&textsize=1) and it's by McKay.

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I hope you find some fic you like. :-)

[canadian-jay.livejournal.com]

Hee! I wouldn't get bothered either way, I just prefer Snape to be with someone from his generation (or older). (Although I have read some Snarry, tbh. Sometimes you just really need that Snape fix.) One of those things, ya know. And brilliant! Thanks for the links. ^^