Fic: Dogsbody (1/13)
May. 2nd, 2010 09:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rusty_armourTitle: Dogsbody (1/13)
Author: Rusty Armour
Pairing: Lester/Quinn
Summary: Lester is forced to depend on the people around him when he finds himself in a strange and startling predicament.
Word Count: 1,960
Rating: Slash, PG-13
Spoilers: S3 in general
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters or the shiny prehistoric creatures. I just played with them for a while and then returned them to the toy chest.
A/N: I was inspired to write this fic after reading
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knitekat’s Under the Moonlight, the first story in the Under the Moonlight wolfverse. Although I had intended to post this as a serial, the original plan was to finish the story first, as I swore to myself that I wouldn’t commit another crime of WIP. However, as so often happens, this story ended up being longer and more complicated than I’d imagined. Reality has also been rearing its ugly head and there are other commitments I can’t put off any longer, so…WIP. Well, at least this time, a large portion of the story has already been written, so I think most of the posts should be delivered in a timely fashion. This is a sequel to Ps & Qs and Better Late Than Never, though this could probably be read as a stand-alone. As you’ll quickly realize, this story is complete crack and unapologetically self-indulgent. I’ve had a lot of fun writing this – probably too much fun. *g*
He hadn’t originally intended to return to his flat that night. He had, in fact, been hoping to spend the evening with Danny. Then an anomaly had opened up just outside Chesterfield and they’d had to cancel their plans. Lester had stayed late at the ARC to catch up with some paperwork and be available in case the team needed him. They hadn’t. In the end, Lester had headed home, alone. As he entered his flat, his only desire was to watch some news on the telly before going to bed.
That all changed when he saw Helen Cutter sitting on the settee.
She smiled as Lester’s briefcase slipped from his fingers. “Hello, James.”
“You’re dead.” As far as witty rejoinders went, it was lacking in both originality and subtlety, but the sentence had popped out of Lester’s mouth before he could stop it.
The woman leaned forward, her dark eyes glinting. “It’s funny you should say that because from where I’ve come from, you’re the one who’s dead.”
Lester’s brow furrowed. “From where you’ve come from?” he asked. He decided to ignore the question of his obituary for the time being.
“I’m from a parallel universe,” the woman said.
She sounded calm and matter-of-fact, as if she truly believed what she was saying. Somehow, that made the situation even worse.
The woman tilted her head when her statement was met with silence. “You don’t believe me.”
“I believe you’ve got a few more screws loose, Helen,” Lester said.
The woman arched an eyebrow. “Oh, now that’s interesting.”
“You think it’s interesting that you’ve reached a new level of insanity?” Lester asked.
The woman shook her head. “No, it’s interesting that you called me ‘Helen’. My name is Anna. Anna Taylor.”
Lester didn’t want to believe her, to even listen to her, but he couldn’t help noticing the slight differences between the woman sitting on the settee and Helen – as he last remembered seeing her. Anna was wearing a grey trouser suit and heels, an ensemble Lester had never seen on Helen before. Her hair was also longer and almost auburn in colour. Of course, Helen could have grown out her hair and dyed it since he had last seen her – and it would have been simple enough for her to change her style. However, Anna seemed different on more than just a physical level: it was something Lester could see in her eyes.
Despite his better judgment, Lester sat down on the settee. “For the sake of argument, let’s say I believe your story. Let’s say I believe your name is Anna Taylor and you’re from some parallel universe.”
“Great,” Anna said. “I was sure you’d need more convincing.”
Lester raised a hand. “This is purely hypothetical.”
Anna pouted and fiddled with a ring on her right hand. “Then you don’t believe me.”
“I haven’t committed myself either way.” Lester sighed and ran a hand over his face. “Why come to me? What do you want?”
“Oh, James, I would have thought that would be obvious.” Anna tapped on the ring and a tiny needle sprang up. Then she flicked her hand and the needle embedded itself in Lester’s thigh.
Lester jumped off the settee, clutching his leg. “What the hell did you…?” His vision swam and dark spots danced before his eyes. He had no memory of hitting the floor.
“Hello again.” Anna was staring down at Lester with the same cold smile he had seen on Helen Cutter’s face more times than he would have liked. Lester looked away, which is when he realized that he wasn’t in his flat anymore. He appeared to be in some derelict and, no doubt, abandoned lab. He tried to sit up and discovered that he’d been strapped to a camp-bed. He wondered whether or not he should be grateful that the bitch hadn’t killed him outright.
“What exactly did I do to you in this parallel universe of yours?” Lester asked.
Anna’s smile disappeared. “You betrayed me, but, worse than that, you tried to have me killed.”
Now why didn’t I think of that in this universe? Lester thought. Aloud, he said, “Now why would I do that?”
Anna shrugged. “I’ve no idea. Up until then, our relationship had been most…satisfying.”
Lester grimaced. “Relationship?”
Anna rolled her eyes. “We were business partners, James.”
“Actually, I think that’s probably worse,” Lester said. “Sleeping with you would have been one thing, but working with you…What an incredibly stupid decision on my part.”
Anna glared at Lester. “I made you a lot of money, James. You should treat me with a little more respect.”
Lester snorted. “Well, perhaps if you hadn’t broken into my flat, drugged me, kidnapped me, and tied me down, I’d be feeling a little more charitable,” he said. “Oh, and could you stop calling me by my first name? The Helen I knew always called me ‘Lester’.”
Anna frowned. “But I’m not the Helen you knew.”
“No, the Helen I knew wasn’t interested in money and preferred to work alone.” Lester’s eyes flicked to the bindings on his wrists. “What kind of business were we involved in? I take it that whatever it was didn’t involve paleontology.”
Anna’s nose wrinkled. “Paleontology? No. We had our eyes set on the future, not the past.” She sat down on the edge of the camp-bed, and Lester tried to hide his discomfort. “You’ll probably find this difficult to swallow, James, but I discovered a way to travel to the future through a system of…Well, I suppose the best description for them would be time portals.”
“You mean ‘anomalies’,” Lester said. “Yes, I know all about them.”
Anna’s eyes widened and she looked taken aback. Then she quickly recovered her composure and nodded. “Yes, ‘anomalies’ would be another word for them. By travelling through these anomalies to the future, I’ve been able to acquire technology that scientists and engineers in the present haven’t even dreamed of.”
Surely, she didn’t, Lester thought. “Please tell me you didn’t,” he said.
“Didn’t what?” Anna asked. “Sell what I found to the highest bidder?”
Lester closed his eyes and nodded. “Yes.”
“Then the answer is no,” Anna said. “I didn’t. You did.”
Lester’s eyes flew open. “I did?” He frowned. He couldn’t say that he was too impressed by this other incarnation of himself. He knew what could happen when someone tampered with time. He had experienced such interference firsthand when Leek had unleashed that future predator on him.
“We had an ideal partnership,” Anna said. “We each played our roles to perfection. It was an extremely lucrative business.”
“What happened?” Lester asked.
Anna scowled. “Christine Johnson happened.”
Of course, Lester thought. Christine Johnson would plague me in more than one universe.
Anna must have seen the look of disgust on Lester’s face because she said, “You didn’t seem to have a problem with her at the time. You practically welcomed her with open arms.” Anna rose from the camp-bed, which made Lester more nervous than relieved. “She offered to take a smaller cut if you accepted her as your partner – your sole partner. Of course, you couldn’t do that until I was out of the picture – a service Christine was only too happy to provide.” Anna’s eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms. “She’s imaginative – I’ll give her that – but she’s sloppy, James. She left me for dead when I wasn’t. She apparently learned her lesson by the time she decided to turn on you because you stayed dead.” Anna bared her teeth in an almost feral grin. “I made sure of that: I checked the body.”
Lovely, Lester thought. “If I’m dead in your universe then why are you here?” he asked. “Why come after me? Why not go after Christine?”
“I did,” Anna said. “It wasn’t enough.” She ran a well-manicured fingernail across Lester’s cheek. “I was robbed of what should have been mine: revenge against you.”
Lester felt a chill go down his spine. “I’m not him. You know that.”
Anna favoured Lester with that cold smile again. “Yes, but you’re the closest thing I’ve got.”
“You’re mad, Helen…Anna – whoever the hell you are,” Lester said. “You’re completely barking.”
Anna laughed. “It’s ironic you should mention barking, James.” She walked away from the camp-bed, and Lester craned his neck to follow her movements, not wanting to take his eyes off her if at all possible. He saw her approach a cart covered by a white cloth. Then she was wheeling the cart over and parking it beside the camp-bed.
There was a large lump under the cloth, and Lester wondered what kind of horrific torture implements Anna had procured from the future. When Anna whipped off the cloth, Lester stared at the cart in surprise. “It’s a dog,” he said.
Anna nodded. “Very good. It’s a German shepherd, to be exact.”
“Is it dead?” Lester asked. The dog was lying motionless on its side, and Lester couldn’t tell if it was breathing.
Anna tutted at Lester. “Now, James, what possible use would a dead dog be to either of us? No, our furry friend has merely been sedated.” She stroked the dog’s head, ruffling black and tan fur. “I didn’t want the poor thing to suffer during the procedure.”
Lester fought a wave of panic. “Procedure?”
Anna’s teeth flashed. “Oh, you’ll like this,” she said. “I tracked down a group of scientists that have discovered a way to transfer a human consciousness to an animal’s brain.”
Lester’s brow furrowed. “But why would anyone do that? What would it accomplish?”
Anna shook her head. “Oh, James. You have no imagination. Have you never wondered what it would be like to, say, fly like a bird?”
“No,” Lester said. “You see, there’s this wonderful invention called an airplane. In fact, if you close your eyes and flap your arms–”
“It’s not the same,” Anna snapped, “but you’ll learn that soon enough.” She moved out of Lester’s line of sight again, and Lester tried to keep a firm grip on his fear. However, he couldn’t help jerking when Anna smeared gel on his temples. He tried to twist away when Anna began attaching a pair of electrodes to his skull, but Anna grabbed a fistful of hair and wouldn’t let go until the electrodes were in place. Then Anna was sticking electrodes on the dog, and Lester found it was a struggle to hide his anxiety.
“Wouldn’t it just be easier to kill me?” Lester asked.
“Easier, yes, but not nearly as much fun.” Anna studied Lester thoughtfully, pursing her lips. “You’d rather die than have your consciousness transferred to an animal’s brain.” She laughed. “You should be flattered that I chose you to be the first subject in this groundbreaking experiment.”
“First subject?” Lester couldn’t quite keep the squeak out of his voice.
“Oh, didn’t I tell you?” Anna said. “This will be the first practical application with a human being. When I acquired the technology, the scientists were still testing it on rats and bunnies.”
Lester started struggling furiously. “You deranged homicidal bitch!”
“Now, James, if I were homicidal, I would have just killed you. Please take more care when throwing those big adjectives around.” Anna laid a hand on Lester’s chest, gazing down at him in amusement. Lester drew as much saliva from his mouth as he could and spit on her. Anna wiped her face calmly, never breaking her sphinx-like stare. “Just relax. This shouldn’t hurt or, at least, I don’t think it will.” Anna walked over to the large machine that Lester had been eyeing with growing trepidation. “I realize I’m probably not the first person to say this to you, James, but just lie back and think of England.”
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Date: 2010-05-02 02:46 pm (UTC)Although I imagine James will be too in the near future... *g*There was some lovely snappy dialogue in this, and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next!
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Date: 2010-05-02 02:56 pm (UTC)I'm so glad you liked the dialogue. It flowed out of me quite easily and it was a joy to write. :-) Thanks for reading this,
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Date: 2010-05-02 02:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-02 03:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-02 03:08 pm (UTC)Mad, mind you, but brilliant.
My response to this line: "I tracked down a group of scientists that have discovered a way to transfer a human consciousness to an animal’s brain.”
Oh no they didn't!
And then... They did! Glee!
Can't wait for more. ^^
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Date: 2010-05-03 12:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-02 03:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-03 12:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-02 03:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-03 12:34 am (UTC)There will be more soon and that question of yours should be answered... ;-)
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Date: 2010-05-02 06:28 pm (UTC)Couple of Brit points, if you're interested -- it'd be trouser suit and not pant suit, and camp bed and not cot (in the UK babies sleep in cots!)
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Date: 2010-05-03 12:43 am (UTC)Ah, thanks,
Couple of Brit points, if you're interested -- it'd be trouser suit and not pant suit, and camp bed and not cot (in the UK babies sleep in cots!)
Thanks for drawing my attention to these Brit points! I really appreciate it! :-) I thought I had been doing a fairly thorough job of checking words on yahoo.co.uk, but I obviously missed these two. It's embarrassing because I know that "pants" are underwear in Britain and I've heard the term "cot" to describe a baby's crib. Anywaaaaaay, I've gone in and made these corrections. If you come across any other Brit terms I miss, please let me know.
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Date: 2010-05-03 12:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-03 02:39 am (UTC)*Heaves a sigh of relief* Oh, thank Herne! I was afraid you'd think I'd finally lost it. I mean, really lost it. However, considering all the crack we've both read over the years, I probably shouldn't have worried. *g*
Evil brain-transferring villain for the win.
I can't take full credit for the villain as she's an AU version of an existing villain (Helen Cutter) who was killed off...I think. Somehow, I'll be more surprised if she doesn't turn up again (in some way) in a future episode (or episodes) of the show.. Anywaaaay, I'm glad you liked the evil brain-transferring villain. She was a lot of fun to write. :-)
Also tying Lester to a camp bed (love the Britain-isms) is always a good thing :)
I love Brit terms too, especially if Lester can be tied down to one of them...Yikes! Am I really that kinky? *g*
Oh, god! You're going to have to have a dog's brain in Lester's body as well! Oh my god! Can't wait to read more! This is some fine quality crack bay-be!
I can't tell you how much fun I've had with this particular concept. It's been a blast to play around with the idea. I hope people will enjoy reading about Lester's little dilemma. I'll probably post the next part on Friday night or Saturday morning. I know you're going to be crazy busy, but I'll send you the link and you can read the second installment when you've got time.
Thanks for taking the time to read this! I'm very happy you liked the first part! :-D
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Date: 2010-05-03 08:38 pm (UTC)It's a brilliant start, you've got me intrigue with where this is going to go. Anna/nonHelen is totally barking, and it will be interesting to see how Lester copes with life as a dog, and, of course how the dog copes with life as a human.
*pokes for more and feeds the bunnies*
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Date: 2010-05-04 03:07 am (UTC)It literally did inspire me. As soon as I'd read your story, the tiny cogs in my head started turning.
It's a brilliant start, you've got me intrigue with where this is going to go.
Oh, thank you! :-) I'm glad you're curious to know what's going to happen next. I was hoping this first part might draw people in.
Anna/nonHelen is totally barking, and it will be interesting to see how Lester copes with life as a dog, and, of course how the dog copes with life as a human.
Yeah, Not!Helen is really quite insane...but so much fun to write. *g* I hope Lester's attempts to cope with life as a dog will be interesting. I won't say much about how the dog will actually cope, but he definitely makes his presence known.
*pokes for more and feeds the bunnies*
I'll probably post the next installment on Friday night. Oh, and I did manage to get a tiny bit of writing done on the bus tonight, so the story is that much closer to completion. *g*
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Date: 2010-05-04 09:25 pm (UTC)*pokes* for more, I want to see Lester coping as a dog, and the dog as a human.
Is it Friday yet?
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Date: 2010-05-05 04:56 pm (UTC)I had originally planned to post the next installment Friday night, but that would have been Friday night Toronto time, which means the wee hours of the morning for any Brits. Ergo, I'll probably post the next part on Thursday night to keep my Friday promise. However, future installments will probably only be posted once a week (e.g. every Friday or Saturday).
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Date: 2010-05-05 10:33 pm (UTC)Although, I do hope Barking-Mad-Anna/NotHelen is taking care of Lester's human body. At least I (and no doubt Lester and probably Danny) hope you will be putting him back in his own body by fic end.
I'm sure I can wait for early Saturday for an update (PS, did you know it is now Saturday *bg*)
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Date: 2010-05-06 03:24 pm (UTC)The next part is formatted and ready to go, so tonight (Toronto time) won't be a problem. I think I'll be posting it around 9:00ish (Toronto time) at the earliest, so it will probably be about 2:00 am across the pond.
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Date: 2010-05-07 09:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-09 07:37 am (UTC)The thought to get punished for crimes he didn't even committed himself must drive Lester mad.
Anna really has a very creative way of punishment.*claps hands* ;)
Perhaps Lester afterwards has a little more understanding for animals in generally.:)
Just out of scientific curiosity. Is the dog a male or a bitch?
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Date: 2010-05-09 11:02 pm (UTC)The thought to get punished for crimes he didn't even committed himself must drive Lester mad.
Thanks,
Anna really has a very creative way of punishment.*claps hands* ;)
I'm so glad you approve! :-) I mean, it's totally twisted and insane, but just too much fun to resist! *g*
Perhaps Lester afterwards has a little more understanding for animals in generally.:)
I'd say it was certainly a possibility. In fact, I'd say it would be impossible for Lester not to have a better understanding of animals after all this.
Just out of scientific curiosity. Is the dog a male or a bitch?
LOL! Good question! While I was briefly tempted to make the dog a bitch, I decided that it might be a little too weird. The dog is a male. *g*
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Date: 2010-05-13 02:03 pm (UTC)LOL, I can just hear parallel-universe-Helen sneering that line!
This is like a 1940s serial -- "Will our hero escape the evil clutches of psycho-Anna, or will he soon be barking mad himself? Stay tuned for Part Two!"
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Date: 2010-05-13 03:29 pm (UTC)LOL, I can just hear parallel-universe-Helen sneering that line!
Oh, good! I'm glad it's easy to picture her delivering such a line! :-) She was just too much fun to write, especially in this scene. *g*
This is like a 1940s serial -- "Will our hero escape the evil clutches of psycho-Anna, or will he soon be barking mad himself? Stay tuned for Part Two!"
I think I may have had something like that in mind when I decided to leave people hanging with this little cliffhanger. I'm not sure if such a completely insane plot would have been acceptable in a 1940s serial, but hey. *g*
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment,
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Date: 2010-05-21 07:37 pm (UTC)I just had a wonderful time re-reading Ps and Qs and Better Late Than Never, which are hot and cute and funny, too!
Lester as a German Sheppard, this is going to be good! Mad Helen-like person was cool *g*
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Date: 2010-05-21 08:15 pm (UTC)I'm so happy you've been enjoying this,
Huzzah for the awesome hound *g*
I had no idea that
I just had a wonderful time re-reading Ps and Qs and Better Late Than Never, which are hot and cute and funny, too!
Oh, thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed re-reading the first two stories! It was sweet of you to do that! :-)
Lester as a German Sheppard, this is going to be good! Mad Helen-like person was cool *g*
I hope you still feel that way about Lester as a dog and the mad Helen-like person after reading the other parts. *g* Well, I've certainly had a lot of fun writing this story, so it will be great if readers also have some fun. :-)