Fic: You Say Goodbye and I Say Hello
Mar. 5th, 2012 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Title: You Say Goodbye and I Say Hello
Author: Rusty Armour
Fandom: Sherlock
Characters: Lestrade, Sherlock, John
Category: General, humour, a smidgen of hurt/comfort
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,945
Summary: Lestrade doesn’t react well to the news of Sherlock’s resurrection.
Spoilers: A minor spoiler for “The Hounds of Baskerville” and a much bigger spoiler for “The Reichenbach Fall”.
Notes: This idea first popped up on Friday morning when I was fuming at my manager. It reared its ugly head again on Saturday, and I attempted to crush it. Then I found out on Sunday that
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This was written quickly and hasn’t been beta’d, though I’ve now done some quick revision and
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Disclaimer: With great power comes great responsibility. Thankfully, I have neither. Sherlock and its characters are owned by other people, though I feel fortunate to have been allowed to play in this wonderful sandbox.
Disclaimer: With great power comes great responsibility. Thankfully, I have neither. Sherlock and its characters are owned by other people, though I feel fortunate to have been allowed to play in this wonderful sandbox.
As the Chief Superintendant stepped inside Lestrade’s office, Lestrade prepared himself for the worst. Even when the suspension had been lifted, Lestrade had known he was still on shaky ground. No, his days at Scotland Yard had been numbered since Sherlock Holmes had been declared a fraud. Lestrade was relieved in a way. He had been able to handle the whispered rumours and sidelong glances. It was waiting for the inevitable that took the greatest toll.
Lestrade met his superior’s eyes calmly. He was determined to be completely stoic about the whole thing. He wouldn’t give those bastards the satisfaction of seeing him suffer. He steeled himself for the blow, but his boss didn’t utter the words Lestrade had been expecting.
“Um, yes. Lestrade. I think you’d better come out here. There’s something you should see.”
Lestrade stared openly at his boss for a moment before rising from his desk. He had only just stepped outside his office when he froze, his eyes widening in shock. Sherlock Holmes was perched on a desk, with John Watson, looking weary and uncomfortable, sitting beside him. Everyone had stopped what they were doing and stood gaping at this man who was supposed to be dead and buried. Sherlock ignored all of them.
“Ah, Lestrade. So nice of you to join us. It took some time and effort on my part, but I successfully cleared my name and proved that it was Moriarty who was the fraud, something that was obviously beyond your limited capabilities.” Sherlock cocked his head and smiled. “Miss me?”
Lestrade couldn’t move. He was rooted to the spot, numb and paralyzed. Then Sherlock winked, and Lestrade closed the distance between them, planting a fist in Sherlock’s face.
“Yes,” John said as Sherlock’s head snapped back and he swayed on the desk, “that was my reaction as well.”
“I’m not finished yet,” Lestrade growled, launching himself at Sherlock a second time, knocking him clean off the desk.
There were gasps and cries of amazement from the other personnel in the department, but Lestrade barely heard them. He was too busy trying to pummel Sherlock into a pulp, only Sherlock kept deflecting his blows by raising his arms over his face and wrenching his body away from Lestrade’s fists. “Fight back, you conceited little coward!” Lestrade shouted.
“No.” Sherlock blocked another punch and gazed up at John through his forearms. “A little help would be appreciated.”
“Why?” John asked. “Lestrade seems to be doing just fine on his own.”
“JOHN!”
“Lestrade, I order you to stop this nonsense at once!” The Chief Superintendant, who had remained a safe distance from the fight, had finally decided to speak up.
Lestrade’s head turned sharply, dark eyes blazing. “Oh, shut up, you great pillock!”
“Oh, God,” John said, putting his head in his hands. The Chief Superintendant opened and closed his mouth a few times, but had apparently been rendered speechless. He settled for crossing his arms and glaring at the two men wrestling on the floor instead. However, John had seen enough. He grabbed one of Lestrade’s arms and pinned it behind his back, sitting down on top of him. Lestrade winced then continued to clobber Sherlock with his free hand. Thankfully, John’s action seemed to jolt everyone out of their collective daze as Anderson and Dimmock rushed over to subdue Lestrade as well. Sherlock managed to crawl out from under the pile, but lay, panting, on the floor.
Lestrade struggled furiously beneath the three men on top of him. “Get off me, you stupid prats! I’m trying to do you a favour!”
“Sorry, Lestrade,” Dimmock said, “but this department is in enough trouble without you committing homicide.”
Lestrade howled in frustration. “Oh, come on! He already offed himself once! Who’s going to notice if he dies a second time?”
Sherlock still lay on the floor, staring at Lestrade in confusion. “Why are you trying to kill me?”
Lestrade practically bared his teeth at Sherlock. “Because you’re a liar and a thief!”
“Okay, I can understand ‘liar’,” John said, “but ‘thief’?”
Lestrade managed to twist his head enough to glance at John over one shoulder. “He’s a thief because he stole my integrity!”
Sherlock snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous. I just told you that I cleared my name. Your reputation should be repaired in the process.”
John gritted his teeth as Lestrade bucked again, almost throwing him off. “Sherlock, this really isn’t the time or place to discuss this. I’ll admit that I was hoping we could go down the pub and talk about it over a few pints, but that’s not going to happen now that Lestrade has flown into a homicidal rage and has quite likely been suspended.”
“Oh, he’s definitely been suspended,” the Chief Superintendant said. “In fact, I’d fire him if I thought there was any chance that Mycroft bloody Holmes wouldn’t pull strings and have him reinstated.”
“A pint of bitter and a packet of crisps would go down a real treat,” Lestrade muttered to himself, but no one was really listening.
“Please go, Sherlock,” John said. “Just piss off, will you?”
Sherlock drew himself to his feet haughtily. “Fine. I’ll go.”
Lestrade’s eyes flew to Sherlock. “Go? Go where? Where is he going? Come back here, you wanker!”
Once John was sure that Sherlock had been given sufficient time to escape, he got off Lestrade, Anderson and Dimmock doing likewise. Lestrade had barely stood up when the Chief Superintendant began delivering a lecture on proper office etiquette, placing great emphasis on the importance of appropriate language and behaviour in the workplace. John lasted almost two minutes before he decked him. That was when he decided that going down the pub might not be such a bad idea after all. Lestrade went with him, so he could get his beer and crisps.
“Could you please stop punching my boss?” Lestrade said. “It’s hard enough working with the man as it is.”
John fixed Lestrade with a stony glare. “You tried to kill my best friend.”
“He was already dead! I was just attempting to restore the balance, to return him to his natural state!” Lestrade leaned across the table, ignoring the beer mat sticking to his elbow. “It’s not right, John. It’s not human. He’s not human. He couldn’t have survived a fall like that if he was.”
John laughed, torn between amusement and concern. “For God’s sake, Greg! Have you heard yourself? Have you actually been listening to what you’ve been saying?”
Lestrade clutched at John’s jumper, desperate to make him see reason. “He can’t be allowed to live, John. He has to die. He’s-he’s evil.”
“Right. Okay. Fine. Sherlock is the Antichrist, and you’re having a psychotic breakdown.” John glanced frantically at the bar and stood up, pulling away from Lestrade. “I’ll get the next round. I think you could use another pint...or maybe three.”
“Ah, John. I’d wondered where you’d got to. If you’ve finished picking fights with Scotland Yard officials and drinking away the afternoon, perhaps you could assist me.” Sherlock was sitting cross-legged on the carpet of their flat among a sea of newspapers.
John eyed the mess critically, but refrained from commenting. “Before either of us do anything, you need to speak with Greg.”
Sherlock stared at John, his forehead creasing. “Greg?”
John sighed in resignation. “Sorry. Lestrade. You need to speak with Lestrade.”
Sherlock leapt to his feet. “You brought my would-be murderer to our flat?” He peered eagerly around John, unable to hide the boyish glee in his eyes. That was when John realized Lestrade was missing and swore under his breath.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” Lestrade moaned as John hauled him off the stairs leading to their flat. He had only made it about halfway up when he’d been overtaken by dizziness and had needed to sit down.
“Well, I did warn you to stop after four pints,” John said as he dragged Lestrade up to the second floor. Then Lestrade was standing before Sherlock, tilting to his right to compensate for the alarming angle of the flat.
Sherlock raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Six pints, Lestrade. I am impressed. However, I should warn you that if you plan to attack me again, I will defend myself.”
Lestrade squinted at the ridiculously tall man in front of him. “Sherlock?”
Sherlock rolled his eyes. “Brilliant deduction, Lestrade. Yes, it’s me. I thought we had established that a few hours ago.”
Lestrade’s bottom lip began to tremble. “You’re not dead.”
Sherlock’s expression softened a bit. “No, I’m not dead, Lestrade.”
Lestrade’s eyes welled up with tears and he threw his arms around a startled Sherlock.
“Well, that’s a relief,” John said. “I was afraid he might try to kill you again.”
“I think I would have preferred that.” Sherlock’s eyes had widened in panic and he couldn’t quite keep the squeak out of his voice. “He’s hugging me. Why is he hugging me? You’re a doctor. Can’t you make him stop? John, help me. What do I do?”
John grinned. “You could try patting him on the back and say, ‘There, there. There, there’.”
Sherlock was so desperate that he didn’t even question the advice. “Yes, all right.” He thumped Lestrade on the back a few times. “There, there, Lestrade. There, there.” He waited expectantly for several seconds then shot a look of pure horror at John. “It didn’t work. He hasn’t let go of me and he’s still sobbing drunkenly on my chest.”
“That’s because it was meant to make Lestrade feel better. It was never about you.”
“But I’m the one being smothered!”
“Well, perhaps you should have thought of that before you faked your death,” John said. Then his tone grew more sympathetic when he saw the stricken look on Sherlock’s face. “All actions have repercussions, Sherlock, and I’m afraid these are the repercussions of yours.”
Sherlock gazed at John beseechingly. “Okay, fine. I accept that. I take full responsibility for my actions. Now, will you please get him off me?”
“I’ll try.” John moved closer and attempted to pry Lestrade’s arms apart. Lestrade had stopped crying, but he had tightened his grip on Sherlock. “Greg, please. This is becoming rather awkward, don’t you think?”
Lestrade shook his head. “Don’t care. I’m not letting go. He might jump off another building and disappear again.”
“Oh,” John said. “I hadn’t thought of that.” He stood digesting this new piece of information for a moment before inspiration struck. “I have an idea. Just wait here a minute.”
“As if I have a choice!” Sherlock shouted after him as John bounded out of the room.
Ten minutes later, Sherlock was seated on the sofa. He had been liberated from Lestrade, only to find himself being tied up with a length of rope: rope that had been leftover from one of his experiments.
Ignoring Sherlock’s furious glare, John was finishing off the last knot. “There. That should do it. He won’t escape from you now, Greg.”
“Good work, John,” Lestrade said before tipping over. Fortunately, Sherlock broke his fall.
“Ooopsy daisy!” John leaned over and arranged Lestrade in a more comfortable position. Then, he snapped a few pictures with his mobile.
“Shouldn’t you be fetching Lestrade a blanket?” Sherlock grumbled.
John gaped at Sherlock for an instant before managing to recover. “A blanket. Yeah. Great idea, Sherlock.” He headed out of the room again, this time heading down to 221A to see what he could borrow from Mrs. Hudson.
Lestrade nestled down in Sherlock’s lap, one cheek rubbing against the fabric of Sherlock’s trousers. “Did miss you,” he murmured.
“Yes,” Sherlock said. “Of course you did.”
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Date: 2012-03-06 05:09 am (UTC)I want to check this one out again in the morning and say something more clever, but I wanted you to have a comment right away.
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Date: 2012-03-06 05:14 am (UTC)It was sweet of you to comment right away because I'm a tiny bit terrified. This story is so weird that I wasn't sure if anyone would like it. I'm happy it made you giggle. Knowing that has calmed me down a lot. :-)
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Date: 2012-03-06 12:49 pm (UTC)More please.
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Date: 2012-03-06 04:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-06 01:49 pm (UTC)Thank you so much for this. It was a wonderful read, and I know I'll be going back and reading it multiple times!
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Date: 2012-03-06 06:01 pm (UTC)Oh, please don't worry about it! I should have mentioned that there was no rush to read or comment. I mean, you've seen how long it takes me to leave feedback -- and that's when I'm perfectly healthy! *g* In any case, I'm very sorry you had a rough time last night. I hope you're feeling a bit better now and can catch up with your rest. :-)
But my dear, you have nothing to be worried about! This story is fantastic, it's very funny, and it definitely served to cheer me up!
That's so kind of you to say! Thank you very much! :-D I'm happy the fic amused you and helped cheer you up!
I love Lestrade's reaction to Sherlock's return (and Sherlock's greeting to him, which is so in-character). John punching the CI again was so perfect - I was cheering him along!
I have to admit that I struggled with how and exactly when Lestrade's reaction would be triggered. I didn't think Sherlock's words alone would be enough, as Lestrade would be used to his insults. *g* As for John, I decided that it was impossible for him to be in the same room with the Chief Superintendant without resorting to violence. ;-)
But the best part was drunk!Lestrade clinging to Sherlock and John tying him up so he can't go and jump off of any more buildings.
Oh, I'm glad this was the part you liked best! Actually, it's kind of ironic because drunk!Lestrade is one of the things I've worried about the most. Well, that and John tying up Sherlock. In both instances, I was afraid I might have gone a bit too far. *g*
Oh, and Lestrade admitting that he missed Sherlock was so sweet.
And I'm glad you liked this too. I thought of you when I wrote it as you're so good at portraying touching moments with these two.
Thank you so much for this. It was a wonderful read, and I know I'll be going back and reading it multiple times!
Well, considering how much I've loved reading your stories, it seemed only fair to give a bit back, especially at a time like this. Anyway, I'm very happy you enjoyed this, especially if it helped lift your spirits.
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Date: 2012-03-06 03:10 pm (UTC)It was good to know I had this to greet me this morning.
This is in that category of humor that my brother and I both love. The type of man humor where there is lots of fight action and then maudlin Irish weeping. You've captured it gloriously.
Sherlock's wink triggers the first punch, lol.
John calmly, still seated, in agreement with L's actions.
Lestrade, not being done yet. [i just snorted and i'm doing the silent shaking giggle]
Then Sherlock asking for help and John's feigned misunderstanding that Lestrade needs help which John thinks he doesn't.
Then now that Lestrade is started up, he is taking all comers and barks at his Chief.
John puts L in a hold but he continues to clobber S with his free hand. [out loud giggle]
Yes, I think this is commute worthy. My brother and I talk on his commute every night so I don't take up his family time, and I try and find funny or interesting things to share with him esp. while I'm jobless and he will love this.
Sherlock crawls out fr under the pile but can only lie there panting. [snickering]
Lestrade, after constant pummeling and at least 3 men having to pull him off S, saying that he's hungry for bitters and crisps.
John hits the chief instead. Now that he's gotten used to hitting ppl, I think he quite likes it.
Tiny brilliant wonderful detail. Lestrade has beermat stuck to his elbow.
Lestrade in the serious, pseudo philosophical stage of his drunk. I once asked, "Do you think the fish at the aquarium get lonely? What if they have an issue with another fish? It would have to play it out in front of these huge crowds of ppl just staring."
But intellectual always moves to weepy and affectionate.
Sherlock doesn't remember his name. Lestrade nearly sick on the seventeen stairs.
Lestrade tilting to the right to compensate for the listing flat. lol
Sherlock's alarm at being hugged, John's advice and then, "this is your punishment, old boy, if you will be going around faking your death."
In the logic of the drunk, tying S up so he won't jump again
Lestrade falls on Sherlock and I think it's over and then John is taking pix
then L cuddling and nuzzling Sherlock's TROUSERS!
You can see that i thought every word of it was funny and I havne't commented really but given a play by play but i hope that shows you that i loved it and why i couldn't comment until i had rested. I am so thankful that you are writing original fic because you've got what it takes and the world needs your words.
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Date: 2012-03-07 02:04 am (UTC)I really appreciated receiving that comment from you last night! I really wasn't expecting to receive any feedback so quickly, so it was such a pleasant surprise! I honestly would have understood if you'd waited until the next day considering how tired you were -- not that I'm complaining! I'm touched that you would go to the trouble of commenting in order to make sure I didn't experience that yucky feeling. :-)
You have gone way above and beyond duty with this incredibly generous feedback! Thank you so much! :-D It's really much more than I deserve! In fact, I think I'd have to write at least three or four stories before I could say that I'd earned it!
I'm delighted that we share a similar sense of humour! Usually anything ridiculous (e.g. Monty Python) makes me laugh. I'm never sure if anyone is going to share my twisted sense of humour, so I was relieved when you told me the fic had given you a laugh. Oh, and it's good to know that the fight action and maudlin Irish weeping worked for you. I was afraid I might have pushed it too far, even in terms of comedy. *g*
You can see that i thought every word of it was funny and I havne't commented really but given a play by play but i hope that shows you that i loved it and why i couldn't comment until i had rested.
No, this totally counts as a comment as far as I'm concerned! I absolutely loved your play by play and would respond to each part if there wasn't a space limit on comments. *g* Seriously, though, I'm touched that you would go to the time and effort to list everything that worked for you! It really means a lot to me! :-D
I am so thankful that you are writing original fic because you've got what it takes and the world needs your words.
You really are too good for me! I don't deserve this kind of praise! I wish I shared your faith in my writing abilities! *g* I have to confess that the original fic has suffered lately -- first because I was too busy to work on it and then because I came down with a bad cold. However, I'm going to get back on track this week and I'll remember your very kind words when I do. Thanks again,
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Date: 2012-03-06 08:02 pm (UTC)Lovely, with just the right amount of angst and humour! In this, both John and Lestrade are able to exhibit their anger and relief at Sherlock, getting a little revenge at the same. :)
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Date: 2012-03-07 02:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-06 08:57 pm (UTC)I love it when you come out of 'retirement!"
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Date: 2012-03-07 02:25 am (UTC)Thanks for not only reading and commenting, but listing the lines that worked for you. I was actually hoping that at least one of these might get a reaction from readers, so it's wonderful to know that you liked them. :-)
It's so sweet of you to say that you're happy whenever I come out of "retirement". I always assume that most people groan and cover their eyes if they see a new
Thanks again for your kind words,
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Date: 2012-03-06 10:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-07 02:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-07 04:28 am (UTC)Lestrade howled in frustration. “Oh, come on! He already offed himself once! Who’s going to notice if he dies a second time?”
Heeeeee!
“He was already dead! I was just attempting to restore the balance, to return him to his natural state!”
This is hilarious! And an oddly convincing argument.
“Well, perhaps you should have thought of that before you faked your death,” John said. Then his tone grew more sympathetic when he saw the stricken look on Sherlock’s face. “All actions have repercussions, Sherlock, and I’m afraid these are the repercussions of yours.”
Sherlock totally deserved to be hugged and cried on...wait...that didn't come out right.
I think you invented a new form of kink...bondage cuddling. Good job!
Poor Lestrade. He totally earned a psychotic breakdown.
This is awesome! I love your dialogue.
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Date: 2012-03-08 01:44 am (UTC)Sorry I didn't respond to your comment earlier. I was at the law library today and didn't have a lot of time to go online during work hours. I hope the fic didn't spoil you. I wasn't sure if I should tell you about it in case you hadn't been able to watch the rest of the second series yet. Well, that and I'm still questioning my sanity as this fic is weird, even for me. *g* Anywaaaaay, I'm glad it provided some hilarity. I wasn't actually sure if anyone would find it funny.
Lestrade howled in frustration. “Oh, come on! He already offed himself once! Who’s going to notice if he dies a second time?”
Heeeeee!
I'm glad you found that funny. This is probably a good indication of why Lestrade shouldn't attempt to commit murder. *g*
“He was already dead! I was just attempting to restore the balance, to return him to his natural state!”
This is hilarious! And an oddly convincing argument.
I'm happy you think so. Unfortunately, I don't think it's quite logical enough to convince Sherlock. It certainly didn't seem to work on John. *g*
“Well, perhaps you should have thought of that before you faked your death,” John said. Then his tone grew more sympathetic when he saw the stricken look on Sherlock’s face. “All actions have repercussions, Sherlock, and I’m afraid these are the repercussions of yours.”
Sherlock totally deserved to be hugged and cried on...wait...that didn't come out right.
That's okay. I get what you're saying. *g*
I think you invented a new form of kink...bondage cuddling. Good job!
Oh, Herne, no! Please say it isn't so! I feel so...dirty. Surely, this is wrong.
Poor Lestrade. He totally earned a psychotic breakdown.
I actually think he earned it about a year after he met Sherlock... *g*
This is awesome! I love your dialogue.
Thank you so much! I'm very happy you enjoyed this crazy fic -- especially the dialogue as that was a lot of fun to write! :-D If you read my author's note, you'll see that this was a rush job and something I wrote on the spur of the moment. I'll do a bit of revision in the next couple of days, which will include incorporating two changes my Britpicker suggested. Then we'll see if I have enough courage to post this beyond my flist. *g*
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Date: 2012-03-09 08:55 am (UTC)Favourite lines “Right. Okay. Fine. Sherlock is the Antichrist, and you’re having a psychotic breakdown.” “He’s hugging me. Why is he hugging me? You’re a doctor. Can’t you make him stop?" “Ooopsy daisy!” John leaned over and arranged Lestrade in a more comfortable position.
This should really be what happens at the beginning of Series 3.
May I friend you so I don't miss out on any further gems?
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Date: 2012-03-09 05:57 pm (UTC)Oh, thank you,
Favourite lines “Right. Okay. Fine. Sherlock is the Antichrist, and you’re having a psychotic breakdown.” “He’s hugging me. Why is he hugging me? You’re a doctor. Can’t you make him stop?" “Ooopsy daisy!” John leaned over and arranged Lestrade in a more comfortable position.
And favourite lines too! Thanks again! I'm happy you like all of these! :-D
This should really be what happens at the beginning of Series 3.
LOL! Somehow, I don't think this is what Steven Moffatt and Mark Gatiss have planned, but it would be hilarious. *g*
May I friend you so I don't miss out on any further gems?
Yes, of course! I'd be honoured! And I'd friend you back, of course! However, I should probably point out that I'm not very prolific. I'm actually supposed to be retired from writing fic and wouldn't have written this at all if
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Date: 2012-03-09 04:30 pm (UTC)Unfortunately, last I heard, poor
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Date: 2012-03-09 07:51 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2012-03-09 11:21 pm (UTC)I love your use of the word 'nestled' in connection with Lestrade in Sherlock's lap. Extra slice of tasty cake for that one!
The Lady 529
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Date: 2012-03-10 05:16 am (UTC)I keep expecting people to say the exact opposite, so thank you! ;-)
I love your use of the word 'nestled' in connection with Lestrade in Sherlock's lap. Extra slice of tasty cake for that one!
The Lady 529
Thanks again,
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Date: 2012-03-11 05:51 pm (UTC)Loved Lestrade trying to kill Sherlock and then the crying and the hugging and *flaily hands*.
Fantastic stuff. :D
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