Fic: To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Quite Gone Before (1/3)

[rusty_armour]

Title: To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Quite Gone Before (1/3)
Author: Rusty Armour
Pairing: McShep, Sheppard/Spike, Archer/Reed
Summary: Stepping through the Stargate can sometimes lead to some pretty unexpected places!
Category: Slash, Crossover, Action Figures
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Sanctuary, Epiphany, The Tower, Michael, Miller's Crossing, The Kindred (for SGA) and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (for Harry Potter)
Disclaimer: Thou Shalt Not Steal. Even in the interest of fic. Most of these characters aren't mine. I, uh, borrowed them. Yeah.
Author's Notes: I originally meant to post some pictures of my action figures for fun, but then it kind of blossomed into this very surreal fic. While this obviously doesn't measure up to pollitt's and maverick4oz's Action Figure Theatre, I hope it will still give people a laugh.

---

Yesterday, my brother gave me a Colonel Sheppard action figure for my…uh…for a special occasion that dares not speak its name. I've been told by an anonymous source (Okay, it was my mom) that Dr. Rodney McKay should hopefully be joining Colonel Sheppard in a couple of weeks (e.g. when Silver Snail calls her to let her know that the new shipment has arrived). In the mean time, I thought I'd better find a way to keep Sheppard suitably entertained as he becomes bored easily and has severe abandonment issues. Therefore, I decided to send him to the NX-01 to hang out with my Enterprise action figures. However, as this is Sheppard we're talking about, things didn't go as smoothly as I expected…

---

Colonel John Sheppard was a little put out, but not entirely surprised, when he stepped through the Stargate and, instead of ending up in the gateroom on Atlantis, found himself on a shiny silver surface. He looked around in confusion for a moment, wondering why these things always seemed to happen to him.





Although Sheppard knew it would probably be a fruitless gesture, he pulled out his radio and tried to contact Atlantis. However, after several attempts, in which he heard only static, Sheppard was forced to face the fact that he was cut off from Atlantis. Again.





"Well, crap," Sheppard said, lowering his radio. As he did so, he caught sight of a strange object lying at his feet: an object that looked a lot like part of a Stargate. That couldn't be good.





Unable to think of anything else to do, Sheppard set off to explore the rest of his surroundings. He hadn't managed to get far, when a giant hand swooped down and he found himself flying through the air. Next thing he knew, he was standing on the bridge of some kind of spaceship, watching a very bizarre tableau.





"Vroom, vroom, vroom!" the man sitting in the captain's chair said, holding his hands out in front of him as if he were clutching a very large steering wheel. He was wearing a dark blue coverall and it sounded like he had a southern accent. The young man standing behind the chair was wearing an identical coverall, only he had yellow piping around the shoulders instead of maroon. He was swivelling the chair and making "screeech!" noises, though he looked a little embarrassed and kept tossing nervous glances over his shoulder.





"Sir, are you sure we should be doing this?" the man with the yellow piping asked.

The man sitting in the captain's chair stopping "vrooming" and turned his head to look at the man with the yellow piping. "I'm the captain now, Travis. I can do what I damn well please."







"Uh, with all do respect, sir, T'Pol outranks you," Travis said. "She should be the captain now."

The man sitting in the captain's chair rolled his eyes. "And do you see her anywhere? No. So, in her absence, that makes me the captain. And as the captain, I can play make-believe car driver as much as I like." Then, to emphasize his argument, he added a rather pointed, "Vroom, vroom!"

Sheppard debated whether he should ask to play next or back away very carefully. Being Sheppard, he picked the most dangerous path and cleared his throat. "Hi. Sorry to interrupt, but I'm kind of lost and I was wondering if you could help me."





Both men stared at Sheppard in astonishment then leapt away from the chair and raised their arms.







"We, uh, surrender," the acting captain said. "Just take what you want. We won't give you any trouble."

"Please, please, please don't kill me, space pirate," Travis babbled. "I'm too young to die and-and I'm the only sane person on this ship!"

"Shut up, Travis," the other man hissed. "You're just as crazy as me and Malcolm and you know it."





"Whoa, calm down! I'm not a space pirate and I'm not here to kill…" Sheppard trailed off as he got another look at the acting captain of the ship. "Hey, don't I know you?"





"Uh, no, I don't think so," the acting captain said. "I'm Commander Charles Tucker, though my friends call me 'Trip'."

Sheppard narrowed his eyes as he stared at Trip some more. Then it hit him and he knew exactly where he'd seen that face before. He pulled his gun from his holster and pointed it at Trip and Travis.





"Yeah, nice try, Michael," Sheppard said. "You almost fooled me with the good ol' boy routine, but you must have known that I would recognize you eventually."

Trip stared at Sheppard in confusion. "Michael? Who's he?"





Sheppard snorted and shook his head. "And now you're giving me the dumb act," he said. "Well, if that's how you want to play it, fine. Michael is a screwed up Wraith reject who likes to think he's Frankenstein and experiments on pretty much anything that moves."





Trip exchanged a quick glance with Travis, who looked even more baffled than he did. "Uh, what's a Wraith?" Trip asked.





Although Sheppard was seriously tempted to shoot him, he wanted to learn what Michael had done with Teyla. He would continue to play along for now. He reached into his vest and pulled out a photograph. "Here," Sheppard said, flashing the picture at Trip and Travis. "This is a Wraith."





Trip laughed nervously. "Uh, your Wraith looks like a pudgy guy with a receding hairline to me."

"What?" Sheppard looked down at the picture and blushed. "Oh, that's Rodney, but then you knew that." He reached into his vest again and this time he pulled out the right photo. "Now, this -- this -- is a Wraith."





"Sweet Jesus!" Trip cried, backpedalling even further away from Sheppard. "It looks like a cross between a Xindi and a Suliban, only with heavy metal hair!"

Well, he was a good actor. Sheppard had to give him that. It looked like he was going to need a bigger weapon if he was going to bring this curtain down, so he whipped out his P-90.





"Okay, fun's over," Sheppard said. "I want answers and I want them now. Where is this ship going and what have you done with Teyla?"

"Who's Teyla?" Trip asked. "Is Teyla a Wraith too?"





"Oh, come on!" Sheppard shouted. "Enough with the act already! You know damn well who Teyla is, you sick bastard!"

"Now, now, that's not at all nice," a voice with a British accent said from behind him. "I know you're a space pirate, but you could at least try to show some manners."





Sheppard froze. He didn't have to see the man to know that he was armed. Only someone holding a gun could sound that confident. In fact, the Brit sounded downright cocky.

"Drop it, sunshine," the man behind him said.





Sheppard hesitated and was prodded in the back.

"Lower the weapon," the man behind him said, "or I'll blow your bloody head off."

Sheppard sighed and lowered his P-90. "What are you going to do with me?"





"I'm taking you to the brig," Malcolm Reed said.


^ ^ ^





Sheppard stared at his captor incredulously. "This is the brig? You're kidding, right?"





Reed gritted his teeth. "Look, it's not my fault Art Asylum couldn't be bothered to build a brig. I'm doing the best I can under very trying circumstances."





"Huh," Sheppard said. "So you're just going to stand there guarding me while I lounge around in this deck chair? Is that the plan?"







"Pretty much, yes," Reed admitted. "It's not as if there are any doors I can lock, though I have been toying with the idea of building a forcefield. However, I'd have to build an armoury first, so that could take a bit of time."

Sheppard smirked. "And how do you expect to guard me continuously and build your armoury? I mean, even if you don't take the armoury into account, you have to eat, sleep, etc. All I have to do is wait for you to collapse from hunger or exhaustion and I'll be able to make my escape."

"Oh, that won't be an issue," Reed said. "I can take a break any time I like."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really? And who's going to take over for you? One of your friends on the bridge? I wouldn't trust Michael as far as I could throw him and I doubt that kid, who's obviously a Wraith worshipper, is much better."

Ignoring the gibe, Reed said, "Commander Tucker and Ensign Mayweather have other duties to attend to."

"So who's going to relieve you?" Sheppard asked. "I snuck a peek at my life signs detector when you weren't looking. There aren't any other humans on board."

Reed smiled. "Oh, the newest member of security isn't human." He pulled out his communicator and lifted it to his lips. "Sek, please report to the brig."

Sheppard crossed his arms and waited. Then he was gasping in horror and falling backwards in his chair.





"Holy crap!" Sheppard shouted. "What is that thing?"







"It's a Dalek," Reed explained. "It doesn't eat, sleep, or engage in any of those other tedious tasks, so it can remain on guard indefinitely."







"You let that thing on your ship?" Sheppard asked. "What are you? Nuts?"

Reed glared at Sheppard. "No, of course not. It attacked the ship, exterminated the captain, and then took over the bridge. We didn't let it do anything."





"Hold on," Sheppard said. "This-this Dalek killed your captain and you're working with it?"

Reed's grimaced. "All right. I'll confess that I was rather cross at first, but then I decided to negotiate with Sek and we came up with an agreement. If he spared our lives and served on the ship until we could find a new crew, I would become a human Dalek."

"Ugh," Sheppard said. "It sounds like you got the raw end of the deal."

"Oh, I don't know. I'll just need to carry around a plunger and yell, 'Exterminate'. I shouldn't think that should be too terrible." Reed placed a friendly arm around Sek. "Being a Dalek is fun, isn't it, Sek?"





"We are the superior beings," Sek said, as if that were explanation enough.

Reed chuckled. "Ah, who's a clever Dalek, then? If you're a good boy maybe I'll let you exterminate Colonel Sheppard."





"Hey!" Sheppard protested.

"Just kidding," Reed said. "I'm trying to teach Sek the importance of humour. Daleks aren't big on comedy for some reason."

"Gee," Sheppard mumbled, "I wonder why." In a louder voice he added, "You're completely out of your tree. Do you realize that?"

Reed frowned. "Have you been talking to Travis? He's convinced that I became unhinged after the captain was exterminated. Trip claims that I've been unhinged for much longer -- since Hayes died, actually."

Sheppard knew he would probably regret it, but he asked all the same. "Hayes?"

"My boyfriend," Reed said. "And before you ask, no. He wasn't exterminated by a Dalek." He unzipped one of the many pockets on his uniform and yanked out a photograph.







Sheppard looked at the picture and winced. "Is that dried blood?"

"Uh, maybe," Reed said.

"I see." Sheppard was about to pass the photo back to Reed, but then he took a really good look at it and immediately recognized the face. "Oh my God. That's Wallace. That's the sonofabitch who almost got Jeannie killed."





Ignoring Reed's phase pistol, Sheppard lunged towards him. "You dated the man who almost got Jeannie killed!"

Reed was about to stun Sheppard, but Sheppard tackled him before he had the chance.





Sheppard could still picture Jeannie lying still and pale in her coma and Rodney prepared to sacrifice himself to save his sister, so desperate to save Jeannie that he had actually addressed Sheppard by his first name.

"Jeannie is almost like a sister-in-law to me!" Sheppard shouted. He was on the verge of throttling Reed when he heard a sinister metallic voice above him.





"Release the human Dalek known as Malcolm Reed," Sek said.

Sheppard stared up at the Dalek for a moment and then rose to his feet. When Sek began to move towards him, Sheppard quickly backed away until he was standing against the wall.





"You were going to harm the human Dalek known as Malcolm Reed," Sek said. "You will be exterminated."





As Sheppard stared down the rubber cup of the Dalek's plunger, he wondered, once again, why he never saw these things coming.

---

Will Sheppard be exterminated?

Will Reed become a human Dalek?

Will I receive my McKay action figure from Silver Snail?

Stay tuned for the answers to all these questions…and more!


Part Two

Part Three

Comments

[pyrateanny.livejournal.com]

Woo-hoo! This is the best thing ever! Action-figure-illustrated crossover fanfic -- totally brilliant!

I'm ashamed to say I've been too timid to even take my Col. Sheppard action figure out of the package yet!

Your photos are terrific. And the subtle ways that you've positioned the figures really gives them appropriate expressions for the situations in your story.

I particularly like Sheppard in a deck chair! Now, if you could only get those plastic clothes off the action figure and put the deck chair on a sandy beach... LOL

I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment (and the arrival of plastic McKay).

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Woo-hoo! This is the best thing ever! Action-figure-illustrated crossover fanfic -- totally brilliant!

Thank you very much! I'm so happy you enjoyed it! :-) With the possible exception of my brother, I think you're the only person who's read this strange account. I debated whether I should send the link to the sga_noticeboard, but I'm not sure how interested most fans would be. Maybe I'll wait until I'm able to provide a sequel and decide then.

I'm ashamed to say I've been too timid to even take my Col. Sheppard action figure out of the package yet!

No, I think it just means that you've got more control than I do and that you're smart enough to know that the action figure will be worth more with its original packaging! *g*
Your photos are terrific. And the subtle ways that you've positioned the figures really gives them appropriate expressions for the situations in your story.

Thanks again! I was pleasantly surprised by how cooperative the action figures were when it came to positioning, and it's amazing what a simple head tilt can do in terms of trying to change an action figure's expression!

I particularly like Sheppard in a deck chair! Now, if you could only get those plastic clothes off the action figure and put the deck chair on a sandy beach... LOL

Yeah, I know. Unfortunately, the only thing I was able to remove was Sheppard's vest. Maybe they'll release a series of action figures in swimwear. I mean, Atlantis is on the ocean and I'm sure there are a number of Pegasus Galaxy planets with beaches...

I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment (and the arrival of plastic McKay).

Considering how much fun I had with this first installment, I think a second installment is pretty much guaranteed once plastic McKay arrives. Besides, I can't leave everyone (e.g. you) in suspense as to whether or not Sheppard gets exterminated! *g*

[njc2007.livejournal.com]

So this is what happens when universes collide. Very funny. It is apparent that you took great care with positioning the characters. I can just picture Malcolm choosing to become a human Dalek. Ha! And Trip playing on the bridge. Too funny. Man oh man, you have a great imagination *and* the capabilities of bringing your imagination to life for the rest of us. I stand in awe.

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Ahhh! Thank you! Someone else might have questioned my sanity. However, it takes a truly enlightened individual to see this strange post as being a fun exercise in imagination. :-)

Surprisingly, it didn't really take all that long to position the action figures and take the pictures. In fact, despite having the outline of a story in my head, it actually took longer to write that out than anything involving the actual action figures. In any case, I'm glad you thought it was funny. As you can probably tell, I had a lot of fun putting the post together. :-)

Oh! My! God! Too awesome!

[jackycomelately.livejournal.com]

Oh! My! God! I recognize that brig! I own a brig just like it! Hee! Happy day which shall not be named! That was awesome! Seriously my first thought when I read that you only had Sheppard was... but... but... what will he do without Rodney? Noooooooooo!

I think you might have a career in stop motion animation! I agree that you did a terrific job posing the figures! Did you just use your camera phone?

Awww...action figure Sheppard carries a photograph of action figure Rodney! Okay, it's too funny that you used an image of action figure Rodney instead of real Rodney! Way to stay in the ummm reality as it were.

Your two favourite universes cross! I must say that I think Sheppard spent a suspiciously long time being "tackled" — two frames worth!

Re: Oh! My! God! Too awesome!

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Oh! My! God! I recognize that brig! I own a brig just like it!

Oh, cool! I'd forgotten that you own a brig just like that! We totally have to find you some action figures, so you can abuse them too! *VBG*

Hee! Happy day which shall not be named! That was awesome! Seriously my first thought when I read that you only had Sheppard was... but... but... what will he do without Rodney? Noooooooooo!

No doubt, you were concerned about Sheppard's abandonment issues like I was. That's why I was so relieved to have other action figures he could hang out with. And if he gets sick of hanging around with Starfleet officers, I can always bring out Spike and Snape. I'm going to try to work those two into the sequel.

I think you might have a career in stop motion animation! I agree that you did a terrific job posing the figures! Did you just use your camera phone?

Well, I don't know about that, though the pictures did turn out better than I thought they would. And the process was surprisingly quick and simple. I actually did use the camera on my phone. Although it's not always great at taking pictures of people, it works quite well when it comes to close up shots of objects or action figures.

Awww...action figure Sheppard carries a photograph of action figure Rodney! Okay, it's too funny that you used an image of action figure Rodney instead of real Rodney! Way to stay in the ummm reality as it were.

Tee hee hee! I was hoping someone would notice that it was a picture of the action figure and not David Hewlett! :-) I was originally going to find a picture of David Hewlett as McKay, but then I came across an ad for the latest series of action figures at the back of my Stargate magazine and I thought (as you, yourself, said) a picture of the action figure would make more sense in terms of this reality. *g*

Your two favourite universes cross! I must say that I think Sheppard spent a suspiciously long time being "tackled" — two frames worth!

Well, I had to have a frame of the Dalek standing over the pair menacingly. Yeah, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! *g*

[dubghall.livejournal.com]

Yay for action figure theatre! I love that you made the Stephen Culp connection between the two groups of action figures (ok, so Sheppard isn't much of a group yet). It's amazing, but Sheppard seems to have different expressions as the story goes on.

Happy Unspoken Special Occasion!

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Yay for action figure theatre!

I'm so happy you approve! I thought of you and the Plushies when I was putting the action figures into their various positions. *g*

I love that you made the Stephen Culp connection between the two groups of action figures (ok, so Sheppard isn't much of a group yet).

I couldn't resist making the Michael and Wallace references, especially as I knew Sheppard would have negative reactions to both characters. *g* It was nice to be able to throw in Steven Culp as well as Connor Trineer.

It's amazing, but Sheppard seems to have different expressions as the story goes on.

LOL! I know! It's very strange! Well, as I said to pyrateanny, it's amazing what a simple head tilt can do!

Happy Unspoken Special Occasion!

Thank you! :-) I took the day off (Well, three days off, actually), so the Unspoken Special Occasion worked out nicely!

[maverick4oz.livejournal.com]

Giggle. I think everyone should put the action in action figure. This is awesome. And thanks for the shoutout.

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I was more than happy to give a shoutout to Action Figure Theatre (http://pollitt.livejournal.com/tag/action+figure+theatre") because you guys really give people a reason to put the action in action figure! :-)

[inkscribe.livejournal.com]

"Jeannie is almost like a sister-in-law to me!" Sheppard shouted.

*snerks galore* And a DALEK, too!

*heads off to read next parts*

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

I have to confess that I get a kick out of that sister-in-law line too. And, hey, how could I possibly resist including the Dalek? *g* Thanks for reading this. I'm happy you enjoyed the first part. :-)

[unaccompanied-g.livejournal.com]

"Jeannie is almost like a sister-in-law to me!"

*dies* Oh, John. ♥

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Oooooh! Someone else who likes this line! :-) Yeah, as I confessed to inkscribe, I get a kick out of the sister-in-law line too.

[canadian-jay.livejournal.com]

*keels over laughing* OMG!

Utter brilliance, m'dear! I love how you're using the 'sci-fi shows just re-use actors over and over and over again and hey look, there's great-grandma' to fiddle with stuff.

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you found this funny, canadian_jay! :-) It hadn't originally been my goal to point out how actors keep getting re-used over and over again in sci-fi shows. However, when I remembered that Connor Trineer and Steven Culp had been on both Enterprise and Stargate Atlantis, I just couldn't resist pointing it out. It's great that it's something you noticed as it actually makes this sound intelligent! *g*

[canadian-jay.livejournal.com]

Sounding intelligent is always good. xP

(Also, that icon? Major win, right thar.)

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

(Also, that icon? Major win, right thar.)

Thank you very much! :-) It's what I think of as my "bilingual" icon. I've made a few with McKay involving Canadian themes.

[canadian-jay.livejournal.com]

Hee! That's pretty much awesome.

[morganstuart.livejournal.com]

OMG, Malcolm Reed saying, "Ah, who's a clever Dalek, then?" just made my day. I love the visuals!

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow! Thanks for taking the time to read this (and all the action figure fics), morganstuart! That was very kind of you! :-D I'm so glad you like that one photo and line from Reed. I think that might possibly be my favourite pic from the whole story -- and just a favourite pic in general, really. *g*

[morganstuart.livejournal.com]

It was so much fun!

Malcolm Reed was my fave from Enterprise, and seeing him with that Dalek has made my week. SUCH a great picture. SUCH a great idea! These stories tickly me greatly.

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Oh, I used to be a total Reed girl. Malcolm Reed was definitely my favourite character as well. :-) I'm happy this picture has made your week and that you were tickled by all the stories. :-D