Fic: To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Quite Gone Before (1/3)

[rusty_armour]

Title: To Boldly Go Where No Action Figure Has Quite Gone Before (1/3)
Author: Rusty Armour
Pairing: McShep, Sheppard/Spike, Archer/Reed
Summary: Stepping through the Stargate can sometimes lead to some pretty unexpected places!
Category: Slash, Crossover, Action Figures
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Sanctuary, Epiphany, The Tower, Michael, Miller's Crossing, The Kindred (for SGA) and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (for Harry Potter)
Disclaimer: Thou Shalt Not Steal. Even in the interest of fic. Most of these characters aren't mine. I, uh, borrowed them. Yeah.
Author's Notes: I originally meant to post some pictures of my action figures for fun, but then it kind of blossomed into this very surreal fic. While this obviously doesn't measure up to pollitt's and maverick4oz's Action Figure Theatre, I hope it will still give people a laugh.

---

Yesterday, my brother gave me a Colonel Sheppard action figure for my…uh…for a special occasion that dares not speak its name. I've been told by an anonymous source (Okay, it was my mom) that Dr. Rodney McKay should hopefully be joining Colonel Sheppard in a couple of weeks (e.g. when Silver Snail calls her to let her know that the new shipment has arrived). In the mean time, I thought I'd better find a way to keep Sheppard suitably entertained as he becomes bored easily and has severe abandonment issues. Therefore, I decided to send him to the NX-01 to hang out with my Enterprise action figures. However, as this is Sheppard we're talking about, things didn't go as smoothly as I expected…

---

Colonel John Sheppard was a little put out, but not entirely surprised, when he stepped through the Stargate and, instead of ending up in the gateroom on Atlantis, found himself on a shiny silver surface. He looked around in confusion for a moment, wondering why these things always seemed to happen to him.





Although Sheppard knew it would probably be a fruitless gesture, he pulled out his radio and tried to contact Atlantis. However, after several attempts, in which he heard only static, Sheppard was forced to face the fact that he was cut off from Atlantis. Again.





"Well, crap," Sheppard said, lowering his radio. As he did so, he caught sight of a strange object lying at his feet: an object that looked a lot like part of a Stargate. That couldn't be good.





Unable to think of anything else to do, Sheppard set off to explore the rest of his surroundings. He hadn't managed to get far, when a giant hand swooped down and he found himself flying through the air. Next thing he knew, he was standing on the bridge of some kind of spaceship, watching a very bizarre tableau.





"Vroom, vroom, vroom!" the man sitting in the captain's chair said, holding his hands out in front of him as if he were clutching a very large steering wheel. He was wearing a dark blue coverall and it sounded like he had a southern accent. The young man standing behind the chair was wearing an identical coverall, only he had yellow piping around the shoulders instead of maroon. He was swivelling the chair and making "screeech!" noises, though he looked a little embarrassed and kept tossing nervous glances over his shoulder.





"Sir, are you sure we should be doing this?" the man with the yellow piping asked.

The man sitting in the captain's chair stopping "vrooming" and turned his head to look at the man with the yellow piping. "I'm the captain now, Travis. I can do what I damn well please."







"Uh, with all do respect, sir, T'Pol outranks you," Travis said. "She should be the captain now."

The man sitting in the captain's chair rolled his eyes. "And do you see her anywhere? No. So, in her absence, that makes me the captain. And as the captain, I can play make-believe car driver as much as I like." Then, to emphasize his argument, he added a rather pointed, "Vroom, vroom!"

Sheppard debated whether he should ask to play next or back away very carefully. Being Sheppard, he picked the most dangerous path and cleared his throat. "Hi. Sorry to interrupt, but I'm kind of lost and I was wondering if you could help me."





Both men stared at Sheppard in astonishment then leapt away from the chair and raised their arms.







"We, uh, surrender," the acting captain said. "Just take what you want. We won't give you any trouble."

"Please, please, please don't kill me, space pirate," Travis babbled. "I'm too young to die and-and I'm the only sane person on this ship!"

"Shut up, Travis," the other man hissed. "You're just as crazy as me and Malcolm and you know it."





"Whoa, calm down! I'm not a space pirate and I'm not here to kill…" Sheppard trailed off as he got another look at the acting captain of the ship. "Hey, don't I know you?"





"Uh, no, I don't think so," the acting captain said. "I'm Commander Charles Tucker, though my friends call me 'Trip'."

Sheppard narrowed his eyes as he stared at Trip some more. Then it hit him and he knew exactly where he'd seen that face before. He pulled his gun from his holster and pointed it at Trip and Travis.





"Yeah, nice try, Michael," Sheppard said. "You almost fooled me with the good ol' boy routine, but you must have known that I would recognize you eventually."

Trip stared at Sheppard in confusion. "Michael? Who's he?"





Sheppard snorted and shook his head. "And now you're giving me the dumb act," he said. "Well, if that's how you want to play it, fine. Michael is a screwed up Wraith reject who likes to think he's Frankenstein and experiments on pretty much anything that moves."





Trip exchanged a quick glance with Travis, who looked even more baffled than he did. "Uh, what's a Wraith?" Trip asked.





Although Sheppard was seriously tempted to shoot him, he wanted to learn what Michael had done with Teyla. He would continue to play along for now. He reached into his vest and pulled out a photograph. "Here," Sheppard said, flashing the picture at Trip and Travis. "This is a Wraith."





Trip laughed nervously. "Uh, your Wraith looks like a pudgy guy with a receding hairline to me."

"What?" Sheppard looked down at the picture and blushed. "Oh, that's Rodney, but then you knew that." He reached into his vest again and this time he pulled out the right photo. "Now, this -- this -- is a Wraith."





"Sweet Jesus!" Trip cried, backpedalling even further away from Sheppard. "It looks like a cross between a Xindi and a Suliban, only with heavy metal hair!"

Well, he was a good actor. Sheppard had to give him that. It looked like he was going to need a bigger weapon if he was going to bring this curtain down, so he whipped out his P-90.





"Okay, fun's over," Sheppard said. "I want answers and I want them now. Where is this ship going and what have you done with Teyla?"

"Who's Teyla?" Trip asked. "Is Teyla a Wraith too?"





"Oh, come on!" Sheppard shouted. "Enough with the act already! You know damn well who Teyla is, you sick bastard!"

"Now, now, that's not at all nice," a voice with a British accent said from behind him. "I know you're a space pirate, but you could at least try to show some manners."





Sheppard froze. He didn't have to see the man to know that he was armed. Only someone holding a gun could sound that confident. In fact, the Brit sounded downright cocky.

"Drop it, sunshine," the man behind him said.





Sheppard hesitated and was prodded in the back.

"Lower the weapon," the man behind him said, "or I'll blow your bloody head off."

Sheppard sighed and lowered his P-90. "What are you going to do with me?"





"I'm taking you to the brig," Malcolm Reed said.


^ ^ ^





Sheppard stared at his captor incredulously. "This is the brig? You're kidding, right?"





Reed gritted his teeth. "Look, it's not my fault Art Asylum couldn't be bothered to build a brig. I'm doing the best I can under very trying circumstances."





"Huh," Sheppard said. "So you're just going to stand there guarding me while I lounge around in this deck chair? Is that the plan?"







"Pretty much, yes," Reed admitted. "It's not as if there are any doors I can lock, though I have been toying with the idea of building a forcefield. However, I'd have to build an armoury first, so that could take a bit of time."

Sheppard smirked. "And how do you expect to guard me continuously and build your armoury? I mean, even if you don't take the armoury into account, you have to eat, sleep, etc. All I have to do is wait for you to collapse from hunger or exhaustion and I'll be able to make my escape."

"Oh, that won't be an issue," Reed said. "I can take a break any time I like."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really? And who's going to take over for you? One of your friends on the bridge? I wouldn't trust Michael as far as I could throw him and I doubt that kid, who's obviously a Wraith worshipper, is much better."

Ignoring the gibe, Reed said, "Commander Tucker and Ensign Mayweather have other duties to attend to."

"So who's going to relieve you?" Sheppard asked. "I snuck a peek at my life signs detector when you weren't looking. There aren't any other humans on board."

Reed smiled. "Oh, the newest member of security isn't human." He pulled out his communicator and lifted it to his lips. "Sek, please report to the brig."

Sheppard crossed his arms and waited. Then he was gasping in horror and falling backwards in his chair.





"Holy crap!" Sheppard shouted. "What is that thing?"







"It's a Dalek," Reed explained. "It doesn't eat, sleep, or engage in any of those other tedious tasks, so it can remain on guard indefinitely."







"You let that thing on your ship?" Sheppard asked. "What are you? Nuts?"

Reed glared at Sheppard. "No, of course not. It attacked the ship, exterminated the captain, and then took over the bridge. We didn't let it do anything."





"Hold on," Sheppard said. "This-this Dalek killed your captain and you're working with it?"

Reed's grimaced. "All right. I'll confess that I was rather cross at first, but then I decided to negotiate with Sek and we came up with an agreement. If he spared our lives and served on the ship until we could find a new crew, I would become a human Dalek."

"Ugh," Sheppard said. "It sounds like you got the raw end of the deal."

"Oh, I don't know. I'll just need to carry around a plunger and yell, 'Exterminate'. I shouldn't think that should be too terrible." Reed placed a friendly arm around Sek. "Being a Dalek is fun, isn't it, Sek?"





"We are the superior beings," Sek said, as if that were explanation enough.

Reed chuckled. "Ah, who's a clever Dalek, then? If you're a good boy maybe I'll let you exterminate Colonel Sheppard."





"Hey!" Sheppard protested.

"Just kidding," Reed said. "I'm trying to teach Sek the importance of humour. Daleks aren't big on comedy for some reason."

"Gee," Sheppard mumbled, "I wonder why." In a louder voice he added, "You're completely out of your tree. Do you realize that?"

Reed frowned. "Have you been talking to Travis? He's convinced that I became unhinged after the captain was exterminated. Trip claims that I've been unhinged for much longer -- since Hayes died, actually."

Sheppard knew he would probably regret it, but he asked all the same. "Hayes?"

"My boyfriend," Reed said. "And before you ask, no. He wasn't exterminated by a Dalek." He unzipped one of the many pockets on his uniform and yanked out a photograph.







Sheppard looked at the picture and winced. "Is that dried blood?"

"Uh, maybe," Reed said.

"I see." Sheppard was about to pass the photo back to Reed, but then he took a really good look at it and immediately recognized the face. "Oh my God. That's Wallace. That's the sonofabitch who almost got Jeannie killed."





Ignoring Reed's phase pistol, Sheppard lunged towards him. "You dated the man who almost got Jeannie killed!"

Reed was about to stun Sheppard, but Sheppard tackled him before he had the chance.





Sheppard could still picture Jeannie lying still and pale in her coma and Rodney prepared to sacrifice himself to save his sister, so desperate to save Jeannie that he had actually addressed Sheppard by his first name.

"Jeannie is almost like a sister-in-law to me!" Sheppard shouted. He was on the verge of throttling Reed when he heard a sinister metallic voice above him.





"Release the human Dalek known as Malcolm Reed," Sek said.

Sheppard stared up at the Dalek for a moment and then rose to his feet. When Sek began to move towards him, Sheppard quickly backed away until he was standing against the wall.





"You were going to harm the human Dalek known as Malcolm Reed," Sek said. "You will be exterminated."





As Sheppard stared down the rubber cup of the Dalek's plunger, he wondered, once again, why he never saw these things coming.

---

Will Sheppard be exterminated?

Will Reed become a human Dalek?

Will I receive my McKay action figure from Silver Snail?

Stay tuned for the answers to all these questions…and more!


Part Two

Part Three

Comments

[rusty-armour.livejournal.com]

Oh, I used to be a total Reed girl. Malcolm Reed was definitely my favourite character as well. :-) I'm happy this picture has made your week and that you were tickled by all the stories. :-D